My Five Senses

Sight: I love watching my puppy sleep soundly, I love seeing the crinkles form around my boyfriend's eyes when he smiles, I love seeing a clean kitchen after turning it into a huge mess, I love looking out at the still and beautiful lake across from my parents' house because no matter what it calms me, and I love looking around at all the Vol Orange in Neyland Stadium.

Hearing: I love hearing the sound of my mom's laugh, I love the sound of the piano, I love city sounds outside my window like cars whizzing past, sirens blaring and trucks stumbling over potholes, I love hearing my boyfriend say "I love you" especially when it seems to come out of nowhere, I love the sound of the ocean but doesn't everyone, and I love hearing my tiny shih tzu do her "big girl bark" when she hears a sound that scares her.

Smell: My favorite smell is olive oil mmm, I love Glade Plug-Ins, I love the smell of clean clothes coming out of the dryer, I used to love my Papaw's smell but sadly I can't remember it as clearly anymore, I love the smell of good red wine, I love the smell of the mountains after rain and the smell of hotdogs at Yankee Stadium.

Touch: I love touching my legs after a shave, I love running my hands on my boyfriend's back and shoulders, I love using my hands to cook and touching the food with my fingers, I love feeling a sharp knife cut easily through vegetables, I love it when my boyfriend touches me anywhere but mostly when his lips touch mine and it's like time freezes in that moment, I love how the hot sun feels on my skin, and I also love cuddling up with one of my best friends on the couch.

Taste: I could go on and on about my favorite foods but I'll try to pick just a few like steak, ripe tomatoes, peanut butter, melted cheese, I think my most favorite taste of all is a bite into a Patsy's pizza, I love how the taste of saltwater is on your lips hours after you were in the ocean, I love how clean my mouth tastes after I gargle Listerine and I love the taste of cold, domestic, light beer cuz it tastes so good when it hits your lips.

I Miss You, Manhattan

I miss Gristedes and its miniature aisles and miniature shopping carts.

I miss skyscrapers and a real city skyline.

I miss Smalls, JJ's Diner, B-Bar, Brother Jimmy's, St. Mark's, the Chelsea Hotel and East Sixth's Indian Row.

I miss hailing cabs.

I miss brunch every Sunday no matter what.

I miss walking on city streets on busy days and energetic evenings.

I miss everyone wearing black.

I miss street fairs.

I miss jackets in September...sort-of.

I miss the smells! I'm not a good sniffer. My answer is always, "No," to "Ew! Do you smell that?!" but NYC I can smell. I miss the smell of the subway and the leather of the cabs. I miss the smell of Gray's Papaya and Ray's slices.

I miss the flower stalls on the corner and the flaky croissants from the street vendors.

I miss the pigeons!

I miss street performers that are actually talented.

I miss endless possibilities.

I miss never being alone.

I miss the corner store.

I miss bridges that look like works of art...instead of concrete monstrosities painted yellow.

I miss small artsy theater and bars with gimics.

I miss nights out in the Bowery and SoHo on Saturday afternoons.

I miss you, Manhattan, and I promise to visit soon. Cheers to you and your inextinguishable spirit eight years later.

My Top Ten Deal Breakers

Ok, now I'm answering questions posed by Date Girl and A Fair Fairy. Both great girlie blogs so take a peek.

My Top Ten Deal Breakers

I want to start by saying that I know how I want to be treated, and how I need to be treated, but none of that is listed here. I'm not high maintenance, I don't need a lot, but I know what is enough. I need enough. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

1. Tsk! Temper Temper!

I cannot be with a man with a temper. I recently told my aunt that I can't end up with a guy who has a bad temper, and she told me they all have them. I'm taking my chances and betting that isn't true. This is a major deal breaker, the number one deal breaker, but it's a hard one to spot usually. I mean, at first it's all lovey-dovey, honeymooney, "He can do no wrong," so you don't have your first fight or see the temper flare up until you're already in deep. But eee gads, once it does, I can't shake my mind off it.

The most important things I've learned about relationships in my sorted dating history is that I need someone who communicates in similar ways and who resolves conflict in similar ways. The reason I am single is that I have not yet met a man who possesses these two traits. X communicated like me, but didn't resolve conflicts in a compatible way. He's the closest I've gotten so far.

2. I don't do bald.

I'm 5' 6", and I've dated guys as short as 5' 4" and as tall as 6' 5". I've dated skinny, lanky, meaty, musclely, with a hairy chest, with a hairless chest, brown haired, blond haired, black haired, red haired, men with facial hair, men who couldn't even grow facial hair if their life depended on it...you get the picture. But bald is where I draw the line. Bald just doesn't do it for me.

3. I'd rather take a guy with a sketchy past than one with no past at all.

I've dated guys who were wild, dated crazy girls, had weird hangups about their ex's, whatever it is - I'm sure I've dated it. But when I meet a guy who hasn't had a girlfriend in a few years or yikes ever, I see flashing red lights and hear loud ass sirens. I see it as a warning of potential problems. I've got a complicated past, and I've had a lot of complicated experiences. I'm not looking for a fixer-upper or someone who's not into commitment.

4. Just Say No - to Sloppy Seconds.

I've never dated a guy who's dated one of my friends. The only exception to this in my 16 years of dating is that I dated a guy that Lass had one date with two years before I even met the guy. And I didn't know about that until I told her we were dating. I'm a big believer in girl code.

5. Get back, loud breathers and close talkers! You creep me out.

I don't even like to be around people who do either of these things. Gross gross gross!

6. I would never date a non-Christian seriously.

I've had a few serious relationships, and one thing I've learned is that it's important to date people who want the type of life that you want. When I meet their families, I'm thinking about what it would be like to share a life with this family and be a part of it. I don't want to marry someone who wants to move somewhere new every year or so. I don't want to marry a guy who wants to live way out in the country, far from a big city. And I don't want to marry someone who doesn't share my faith because I want us to share that faith with our children. And I want someone to pray with when things get rough. That's all part of the life I want, and I know I can't settle for less. Not to mention it's a part of who I am.

7. A Republican...sort of

The more I think about this one, the less it matters. What it boils down to is values. If someone shares my values, but votes in a different direction, I think that's ok. I just need someone who sees eye to eye with me on my core values, and as long as we share that foundation, I think we'll be alright. I think. ;)

8. Non-meat-eaters need not apply.

I love to cook, and I love to eat. Cooking is my therapy, and I love having someone to cook for. But if my guy is a vegetarian or even worse - vegan! - I have no freaking clue what I'd cook for him, and whatever it was, it wouldn't be as yummy as something with lots of meat and cheese.

9. Mama knows best.

I could never get serious about someone that my family or my closest friends didn't approve of or didn't get along with. Never. Period.

10. Please observe the No Smoking!! sign.

I could never date a smoker. Never. I watched my sweet everloving grandfather die slowly and painfully of lung cancer, and every time I smell cigarettes, that's what I think of. I think smoking is careless, weak and selfish.

* I had to add two more!

11. I wanna hold your hand.

Some guys are not into PDA, but I am big time. I'm all about some affection. I don't like slimey hand holding so if your hands are sweating, wait til they aren't covered with goo. Also, I don't like it when a guy puts his hand in the back pocket of my jeans. I was just trying to explain this to someone last weekend, and he thought I was weird. Maybe I am. But it makes me feel like a possession, like a dog being held by the collar, and I'm a wild, independent woman that you can't tame.

12. No love for football, no love from me.

I just think it's weird when a guy doesn't like football. And, like, what would we do on Saturdays in the fall if we were a couple? Do I have to explain the difference between offsides and false start to you? Do you have a real opinion about the BCS? I just don't get it, dude.

Tagged Again! 15 Questions and 15 Answers.

Yay I got tagged by The Alleged Ringleader at The Mean Girls' Guide to Glory. Such a fun blog. It makes me wish I lived in sunny, fabulous LA. And though they may be mean, they're more sassy and glorious. Check it out.

1. Were you named after someone?

Nope. My mom had a tough time coming up with my name, though. She wanted to name me Daphene (ugh), but worried kids would tease me and call me Daffy Duck. Then she thought about Danielle, but decided kids would call me Danny, and I'd end up a tomboy. Heaven forbid. She's a funny one, that mama of mine. She did manage to spell my name in such a way that I've never met anyone who spelled it right the first time. Not sure what that was about, but even I had a hard time learning how to spell my name as a child because no one spelled it the same way. It was very confusing.

2. Do you still have your tonsils?

Nope again. Got em taken out when I was 8. All I remember was getting to stay home from school and eat popsicles.

3. Would you bunjee jump?

Hells no. I'm too chicken. In fact, I'm too scared to even ride rollercoasters. I was the scared little girl that climbed the ladder to jump off the high dive, and then chickened out and climbed back down. Pitiful.

4. What is your favorite cereal?

Kashi Krunch! It's healthy and yummy. And I like it with Silk Vanilla Soy Milk. Yum.

5. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

This implies I wear shoes with laces. I almost never do, but when I do wear sneakers, I just throw them off and toss them. I'm a mess, but love my chaos. Ha X's favorite shoes that I wore are a pair of heels that look like tennis shoes. Hard to explain, but they're darn cute. He always joked that they summed up my personality. Not sure what that means, but it's a fun memory.

6. What is your favorite ice cream?

I love ice cream! My favorite would be either New York Super Fudge Chunk or Peanut Butter Cup. Both of which have a week's worth of fat intake. Ooo I also like the one with the chocolate covered pretzels filled with peanut butter. That was a good idea.

7. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Hmm. Hair, I think. I notice whether a guy's bald or going bald, and I always check out girls' hair because I like everyone's hair better than my own.

8. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

I don't like my boobs. Poor little girls never got enough love from me.

9. What was the last thing you ate?

I had Key Lime Pie for breakfast.

10. What are you listening to right now?

Well, actually Steel Magnolias is on TV, but Shelby's about to die so I'll probably turn it off before that happens. I've seen this movie so many times I have it memorized. Probably the question was about music, but I posted about that already.

11. Last movie you watched?

I stayed in last night because tonight's gonna get rowdy and watched P.S. I Love You. I saw it in the movie theater last New Year's Eve day, but wanted to see it again. I'm still drawn to movies about how we heal from loss.

12. What did you dream about last night?

Shoe shopping. True story. I love me some shoes.

13. What book are you reading?

Hooked: Buddhist Writings on Greed, Desire and the Urge to Consume. It's for my Cultural Studies class. Can't wait til this semester ends, and I can read for fun again! Until the next semester begins, that is. Boo school.

14. Summer or Winter?

That's an easy one. Summer. I'm a summer girl. I love warm sunshine, the beach, summer dresses, flipflops, I love how happy and relaxed everyone is. I do love the snow, though. And knee boots. So winter has a few charms.

15. Do you have any special talents?

I can stick my whole fist in my mouth. And I have big hands so it's quite special, my talent.

I tag my new internet friend, Date Girl. You're it, girlfriend!

What I Know So Far About My Partner in Crime

Folks, I've been dating for roughly...16 years now. And I think I'm getting close to figuring out my mystery man's identity. My first date was with a guy named Trey, and we went to see Wayne's World. Ohhh yeah. And in the 16 years since then, I think I've done a good job of ruling out the bad qualities and sorting out the good. Bit by bit, I'm narrowing in on this elusive man of my dreams. Tonight, I had an epiphany that takes me one step closer, and I'd like to share this bit of sacred knowledge with you.

There are some things I know already about my P.I.C. (get it? And I'm pick-ing him...I'm so lame). Here's a sampling to get you up to speed. In high school, I learned that my guy...

• Knows Nirvana could beat Pearl Jam in a battle of the bands to the death! (this became null and void after Kurt Cobain took himself out of contention in 1994 and my coming to grips with the fact that I am not nor ever will be a grunge chick)
• Doesn’t smoke pot (my high school boyfriend did, and I wish I learned my lesson then because that would have saved my living room from being burned down)
• Likes cats…which really translates to likes animals because evidently I’m allergic to cats
• Is taller than me (a quality not as tough to find now, but at 14 it made for some awkward school dances)
• Has his own car (this was crucial for my social life at 16)
• Likes football (some things never change)
• Drives a truck (some things do)
• Makes me mix tapes
• Buys me one of those roses for Homecoming that the Key Club delivers during 3^rd period

As I grew up and matured, my list became more complex. Now I know that my guy...

• Makes cheese omelets for me for breakfast (though I'm still a big fan of the mix tape, I'd prefer to have my coffee first)
• Tolerates my dog who is really a cat that gets very excited when you come home
• Likes football and beer
• Can arch his eyebrows - how cute is that?!?
• Knows how to work my lady parts (less important when I was younger cuz I was such a sweet little angel but hella important now)
• Loves to travel and have all sorts of adventures
• Remembers to buy me something for gift-giving holidays (surprisingly tough to find)
• Does man things like drilling holes into walls and fixing shit I’m too lazy and impatient to learn how to fix
• Grabs my ass in public (I love that. And yes, a quick smack will do.)
  
• Takes me to Graceland because he loves me, and as wrong as it is, I’ve never been
• Always does the f-ing dishes after I slave over a hot stove for his slack ass
  

So you get the drift. I’m getting close, I can feel it!

I have high ambitions for this hunky man I've yet to meet, and I'm pretty sure he's also smart and successful. And, of course, I'll be there to help him realize his full potential. This I've always known. But tonight, I know what my P.I.C. does for a living. He is a writer for either The Daily Show with John Stewart or The Colbert Report. Those shows are so clever and funny, my soulmate just has to work for one of them. He'd be perfect at it. Yet. I'm definitely making a dent in this lifelong mystery. Any day now...

* Alright. So maybe my family is right, and I am too picky. My partner in crime at least watches those shows and wishes he worked for them. Geez. Lowering my standards already, and I'm not even finished with this post.

I Really Do Heart NY

I don’t know what it is, but lately, I’ve really been missing the Big Apple. I think because I was supposed to visit my friend there for Halloween, and she had to bail on me last week. Since then, New York’s just been on my mind.

Every once in awhile, someone asks me where I’m going to go after I finish school. I always tell them I don’t know, that I’ll go anywhere, because that’s true and who knows where I’ll find a job. And that's the easy thing to say. But the truth is – I do think about it. And actually, as part of my new “I just want to be honest all the time” thing I’ve been testing out, I did give someone the real answer Saturday night.

Sometimes I imagine living in a small beach town somewhere on the East Coast. Maybe North Carolina because I like it there – the beach and the mountains, who can beat it? Maybe Virginia or on the water in Maryland somewhere. Savannah is heaven. But other times, I think I’d move back to DC or New York in a heartbeat. There’s something about New York that really sticks with you. It becomes a part of you. It’s a person, really, and it’s easy to get attached to a person as great as New York. It has so much energy, so much possibility. A lot of adventure and magic. I even love the dirt. It’s gritty and real. Unapologetic.

Here are a few reasons I miss living in the greatest city on earth…

• Gristedes. Even the tiny carts.
  
• Loud city birds outside my window at all hours of the day and night. I love the loud of the city.
  
• People of all shapes, sizes, colors and backgrounds coexisting side by side.
• $19.99 mani/pedi Tuesdays.
• Art is all around you – visual art, the theater, amazing music venues – even the musicians in the Subway are better than you’d find in middle America.
• There's a good reason New York is called "The City That Never Sleeps." Because it doesn't. There's always something going on and everything's open late. My kind of town.
  
• Pizza by the slice 24 hours a day.
  
• Mmm pizza perfection – John’s and, my personal love, Patsy’s.
• Central Park – my bridge (yes, it’s mine), Poets’ Walk and the ducks. I love the ducks.

• I love that you can take a walk in the middle of the night. I miss that a lot. You can’t even do that in DC because the District has a bedtime.
• I love old, misshapen apartments. One of my apartments slanted downward slightly. I had notepads propping up my furniture.
  
• Buying coffee and a croissant on the corner.
• Being in the center of the universe. When your feet are on a sidewalk in Manhattan, you’re standing on the pulse of the world’s heartbeat.
• I love that you can find furniture and shit to decorate your apartment just hanging out on the sidewalk waiting for someone to pick it up and take it home. My old roommate still uses the kitchen table and chairs I found on 28th Street between 7th and 8th.
  
• Taxis! I freaking love New York cabs. And the cab drivers really are the best in the world. When I'm drunk, I always tell them and I think they like that.
  
• The Queensburo Bridge.
• 7^th and 10^th. You are a part of my heart.
• I don’t care if it is cliché, Chumley’s is the best bar.
• Lazy Sundays walking through galleries in SoHo or Chelsea.
• Chocolate popcorn! The only reason to go to Times Square besides the theaters, of course.
• Yankees games. Aw it’ll be so different in the new stadium. Boo.
• The Chelsea Hotel.

• New York City makes me feel more alive by just being in it.
• You can spend a very lot or a very little on everything. We got Gucci, and we got Century 21. We got Cipriani, and we got Ray's.
• Duane Reade.
• I kinda do want weird city kids that ride public transportation, go to museums and know how to navigate around homeless people and crackheads.
  
• You can have anything you want delivered to your door. Sushi, hamburgers, DVDs from the video store, even KFC delivers in the Big Apple (trust me – I’ve tried it).
• I miss the subway. There was a guy in the 77^th Street station (6 train) who always sang “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone.” It was beautiful.
• Most apartments have window AC units, but it can get pretty hot and humid in the city…which makes for some sticky, sweaty nights. Hot.
• I'm not the only one who loves New York. My favorite songs about my favorite city - "Heart in New York" (Paul Simon), "New York State of Mind" (Billy Joel...come on now), "New York, New York" (Ryan Adams), "The Only Living Boy in New York" (Simon & Garfunkel), "Marching Bands of Manhattan" (Death Cab for Cutie), "Hotel Chelsea Nights" (Ryan Adams), "Chelsea Morning" (Joni Mitchell) and "I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City" (Harry Nilsson).
  
• Knowing New York is like being part of a club that the city just welcomes you into. You are a part of something because you are a part of that city. And no matter what happens, the city will always be there to pick you up and keep you moving on. I remember the city after 9/11. Everyone looked you in the eye. Everyone hurt. Everyone cared. Because the city hurt and the city cared. Living in New York is like being part of a big, loud, honest, passionate family.

My First Confession

A few weeks ago, I had a Catholic question. So I asked Goofer because after 17 years of Catholic schooling, he should know every answer. And he did, but it led to an interesting conversation, one in which he explained the sacrament of confession. It was the best explanation I've heard, and now I really do get it. So I’m gonna try out a little confession right now. Bear with me, it’s my first.

I confess…

• Every once in awhile, I still lie to my mother. (Stop looking at me like that! You don’t know her. And anyway they’re little white lies…)
• A friend of mine did a favor for me once, and I promised to make him cookies as a thank-you. I didn’t have time so I bought some at a bakery and pawned them off as my own. He said they were the best he’d ever had.
• I have faked orgasms…with probably every boyfriend I’ve ever had and then some.
• I have apologized for things I didn’t understand.
• Sometimes, I use my girlish charms to my advantage. I’ll bat my eyes, smile a flirty smile and even turn up my Southern accent. I recently got free windshield wipers for doing this. And once I sweet-talked the security guard at the Peace Corps building into bending a rule for me. I’ll stop when it stops working.
• I really can’t stand close talkers or loud breathers. Those are the rudest, grossest things ev-er.
• I have broken hearts needlessly and been unkind to guys that I knew cared for me. I am not proud of this.
• I have a shoe fetish. My closet literally cannot hold all of my precious little treasures.
• I tell people I like their haircuts when I don’t.
• Sometimes I’d rather just stay on my couch and watch a movie.
• I always say a prayer every time an ambulance or firetruck passes me. And when I drive past accidents.
• I really like my arms and my eyes, I even like my stomach, but I don’t like my breasts.
• I have made up excuses as to why I can’t go out with someone to avoid flat out rejecting them. In high school, if a guy asked me out and I didn’t want to go, I would say, “Hold on, I have to ask my mom.” Then I’d ask her so he could hear through the phone while shaking my head to instruct her to say “No.”
• I can’t fall asleep while my feet are cold. Sometimes it takes a long time to warm them up. I hate it when I have cold feet. But I really love it when I can stick them under someone’s legs on the couch.
• Size does matter.
• I once kissed a guy that I knew had a girlfriend (he kissed me, I kissed back).
• One time, I kissed someone first. I was drunk, he was timid, and I knew it was a sure thing. I decided never to do the first kissing again. I like to be pursued.
• I did naked things on my roof in New York once with a guy I was dating. I didn’t even care if someone was watching. The idea of it was actually kind of exciting.
• I am a feminist and a liberal, but there are a few things I’m weirdly old-fashioned about. I think it’s because of my Papaw. He taught me what a man is supposed to be. At the beginning of a relationship, I like it if the guy pays all the time. After we’ve been dating awhile, I pitch in but still expect him to pay for things most of the time. I’m totally turned off by guys who can’t take initiative. If a guy doesn’t lead, I assume he’s a wimp. I kind of want my guy to be the breadwinner. I want to work, but I like the idea of my man being the provider (as retro as that is). It doesn’t matter either way really, like right now my best friend is working while her husband is in law school. He tells everyone she’s his sugar mama. I won’t care if I’m the sugar mama, but there is something about it being the other way around, and I know this comes from Papaw.
• I could never marry anyone who’s not a Christian so I don’t date non-Christians.
• Ditto for Republicans.
• I know every word to the musical RENT.
• I would love to write a book some day, but I’m not sure I have the discipline or something interesting enough to say that would fill 200 pages.
• I really miss my Papaw.
• On bad dates, I pretend to be having fun and that I’m interested in seeing him again. It’s my desire to please, I think, and it’s terrible.
• I kiss and tell.
• I often make fun of the idiots and weirdoes I’ve dated. Many laughs are had at their expense.
• If I’m in my late 30s and not married, I’d have artificial insemination because I really want to be a mom and to experience the whole pregnancy thing.
• I have never read the Bible cover to cover because a lot of the Old Testament is super weird and not that interesting. But I should read it and want to.
• I don’t speak a foreign language, and I don’t actually care.
• I have my entire wedding planned out because I am ridiculous and have been in and to a million weddings. My favorite is a night or two before, I want to have a Roast where all our friends can tease us and tell all the crazy things we’ve done that they couldn’t talk about at the Rehearsal Dinner.
• I once had the nickname “Kissing Bandit.” Though that’s not the worst nickname I’ve had…no, I’m not confessing that one!
• I buy underwear that says things. Today I’m wearing little boyshorts that say, “I heart geeks.” I really heart nerds, but they didn’t have those.
• I am very impatient.
• I have sex dreams. Sometimes about someone I’m dating or have dated. Sometimes I can’t see the guy’s face, and I like to imagine I’m dreaming about my soulmate but it’s probably more likely that my subconscious is lazy. Sometimes I dream about famous people, and two nights ago, I dreamed about having sex with Ryan Gosling. Then had a second dream about sex with Justin Timberlake. I rode two celebs in one night!
• I stole the cookie from the cookie jar, I shot J.R. and I was on One Eyed Willy’s pirate ship as it sailed out into the distance. I also lie sometimes to make you laugh.

My Top Fives

I’ve been talking to a guy for a few weeks and until last night, I was just mildly interested. But now I have to admit, I have a bit of a crush. We’d been emailing about movies, and I think you can tell a lot about a person from their favorites. I like all the movies he listed, own some of them, and a few even took me pleasantly by surprise. But what clinched it all was that he loves Rocky. I love Rocky! He wrote a few sentences about why he loves the Rocky movies, and I couldn’t help but find myself smitten.

Personally, "opposites attract" never worked well for me. Opposites are necessary because I do want a man who compliments my weaknesses with his strengths, but when it comes to most things, I’m looking for a man I have a lot in common with.

What are your favorites? Here are a few of mine, and out of my love for High Fidelity, I’ve compiled them in lists of top fives with no particular rank or order.

Top 5 Songs (selected because I feel the same feelings every time I hear them)

1. Come Pick Me Up – Ryan Adams
2. Cain and Able – Josh Kelley
3. Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
4. Baby Girl – Will Hoge
5. I’m Alright – JoDee Messina

Alternates (there are a lot, but it’s so hard to pick just five!)

* Razor – Foo Fighters
* Colorblind – Counting Crows
* Back Where I Come From – Kenny Chesney
* Rocky Top – The Osbourne Brothers (what kind of East Tennessean would I be if I didn’t love that song?? There’s just no comparison - it’s above all the rest.)

Top 5 Movies

1. Almost Famous
2. Elizabethtown
3. Little Miss Sunshine
4. Rocky I
5. Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Alternates

* Happy Gilmore! I still love Adam Sandler.
* Elf (so cute and happy!!)

Top 5 Dude Celebrities I’d Do

1. Justin Timberlake
2. Derek Jeter
3. Joaquin Phoenix
4. Ryan Adams
5. Ryan Gosling

Top 5 Girl Celebrities

1. Kate Hudson
2. Katherine Heigl
3. Shirley Manson (ooo I have a dirty girl crush on her!)
4. Julia Roberts
5. Cameron Diaz

Top 5 Foods

1. Ravioli
2. Pizza
3. French fries!!
4. Anything with crab meat
5. Broccoli

Top 10 Favorite Things to Do (cuz five is too few)

1. A night in my favorite, secret spot in New York on the corner of 7^th and 10^th
2. Reading in Central Park (or in Bloomsbury Square where inspiration is like a ghost in the air)
3. Water skiing
4. Anything at the beach – I love being in the ocean, walking through the surf, sitting in a chair letting the tide roll over my feet, playing a little football, girl talk while tanning, anything at all really
5. Eating dinner in Italy with a neverending glass of red wine
6. Long dinners with good friends
7. Cooking
8. Watching the sunset over the ocean
9. Staring at the water – any body of water, it doesn’t matter, it’s the most relaxing and centering thing there is
10. Anything as long as I’m with any of my favorite people

Top 5 Things That List Says About Me

1. I love water.
2. I love cooking and eating.
3. I love New York.
4. Good people to share experiences with is the secret to happiness.
5. I'm pretty ease to please - just food and water are all it takes to make this girl happy.

Top 5 Things I Can’t Live Without

1. My hairdryer
2. High heels
3. The Bible
4. My iPod
5. Football

Alternate – beer!

I Want.

We lost our sweet PaMa. Her name was Katherine, and she was married for 65 years. She lost her husband two years ago, and she died late Thursday evening a day shy of the date he passed. They did everything together. She always smiled. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone or a complaint to make. She always laughed and always prayed. Her obituary said, “She taught us how to grow older with dignity and grace.” She was indeed a dignified, graceful woman with a good sense of humor and a kind heart. She was the perfect example.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot these past few days and what a wonderful woman she was. She was 93 and had a good, long, happy life. I don’t know if I’ll get 93 years, but I know what I want out of life. Since I graduated from college, I feel like all I’ve done is look back at past mistakes or heartaches, look forward trying to imagine what I think I should be or my life should be, and in the present moments, I’ve wasted a lot of time worrying and fretting. A lot of the things I’ve worried about really didn’t matter. Of the ones that did, they worked themselves out eventually. Making the most of the time we’ve been given is what matters.

I want…

I want to always laugh loud and be loud and shrug off people who shush me. I am loud, and I like it.

I want to see more sunsets.

I want to keep all my old friends and always make new ones.

I want to read more for fun. I read so much for school it’s exhausting, but I used to love reading. It used to be hard for me to put a book down. I want to re-read Crime and Punishment.

I want to spend more time with my family.

I want to always make my mom proud.

I want to take more bubble baths.

I want to take more chances.

I want to never be afraid to speak up.

I want to forgive myself more easily.

I want my heart to always be open. And to never be afraid to love.

I want to do laundry more often! I always let it pile up, and it’s just awful!

I want to travel.

I want to take better care of my health.

I want more sexy underwear for days that need a little spice!

I want a perfect New York date. I’ve had one planned out for years, and oh is it perfect. I want to show someone why I love that city and why it’s the best city on earth.

I want to be more patient.

I want to read the Bible every day.

I want to watch less TV.

I want a little boy and a little girl one day.

I want to trust my instincts about people. I’m a terrible judge of character because I just like everyone. But sometimes I notice things that I push aside and out of my mind, and I should listen to my gut more often.

I want to enjoy my work.

I want to learn how to make crabcakes.

I want to always see the good.

I want to never let the sun go down on my anger and always talk things out.

I want to exercise more.

I want to save more.

I want to always make sure my loved ones know how loved they are.

I want to always help. And I want to always be at the back of the line so everyone goes before me.

I want to be a good friend.

I want to always try new things.

I want to learn from suffering and heartache. And I want to be thankful every time my heart hurts because something good will come of it.

I want to wake up earlier.

I want to teach my students well.

I want people to always feel good when they’re around me.

I want to be outside more.

I want to find my guy, my partner in crime, and have 65 years of marriage too!

I want to worry less and trust myself more.

I want to always increase and strengthen my faith.

I want to listen better and surround myself with people who challenge me.

I want to walk in the rain and play in the snow.

I want to make more funny stories. And I want to find the funny in every situation. It’s always there – you just have to look and let yourself go.

I want to love well.

I want to leave a mark on this world somehow and do my small part in making it a better place.

I want to hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” and for everyone to say I had a good, long, happy life like sweet PaMa. I want to follow her perfect example.

We're Sonic Fucking Death Monkey

Top Five Reasons Why I Love High Fidelity

I love that movie. And the book. And believe they’re each brilliant in equal but different ways.

So in a tribute to their collective awesomeness, I’d like to create a list of the top five reasons why I love them. Sure, I could keep it simple by saying it’s clever, funny, witty, dead on and real, but why keep it simple for a movie/book that’s all about how fucking complicated and messed up love is? (And how fucking complicated and messed up men are)

There’s even a warning right on the back of the book cover. It’s from a review in Details magazine: Keep this book away from your girlfriend – it contains too many of your secrets to let it fall into the wrong hands. Hilariously true.

1. Rob Gordon is a combination of every man I’ve ever dated, and I've seen all his weird little characteristics before. It’s eerie, in fact, and I think all the ladies in the house will agree. The guy who can’t keep his eyes on one woman, the needy guy who’s self-doubting, the over-analyzer, the obsessive, the guy who always thinks the other side is greener, the one who’s not over his ex, the selfish guy, the jealous guy…but also the guy who’s trying to learn and improve, the guy who wants to fix the relationship, the guy who’s always there when you need him no matter what, the guy who loves you the best way he can, and hopefully one day - the guy who finally figures it out.

2. It’s all so totally shameless and unapologetic. It says: “Yes, this is who I am, I am fixated and disturbed, I think about sex with other women constantly, I imagine a life with other women that’s better and easier, I am insecure and need lots of reassurance. Take it or leave it.” I respect its honesty and candor.

3. Music is so important in this movie/book, it’s like a character and finally gets the acknowledgment it deserves. Music is important. Music matters. It can cheer us up on a bad day, make us even happier on a good day, express thoughts and feelings we can’t find the way to express ourselves and serves as a thumbtack for all our biggest moments. I can remember songs I was listening to when all the big things happened to me, and I’m sure you can too. And when we hear those songs, we’re instantly transported back to those moments. Because music has magical powers.

[3b – Greatest shoutout ever to the compilation tape. I’m a big fan of mixes, and take them very seriously. I just love hearing people’s reactions. The making of a great compilation tape is a very subtle art. There are many do’s and don’ts…]

4. High Fidelity holds a mirror up to us so we get a close-up of all the ugly things we hate admitting about ourselves. But it softens the blow of reality and lets us feel better because we’re not as bad as the crazy people in that movie/book.

5. At last, of course, is the message. We all have to grow up in our own time and in our own way. There is not just one path to being the best version of ourselves that we can be. We have to first acknowledge our faults and weaknesses before they can be overcome. And we have to keep moving forward. For everything there is a season. And if Rob can eventually get his shit together, so can we.

I saw this movie in the theater when it first came out because ever since I saw him hold that boombox over his head, I’ve had a thing for John Cusack (Where are you, Lloyd Dobbler?!?). I pretended to like it, but I didn’t really get it. I thought he was a jerk and a jackass, and mistakenly thought they broke up in the end. Then a year or so later, I read the book. Again pretended to like it, but still didn’t quite get it. I liked him a little better, but not enough, and still felt confused by the ending.

But a year or so after that – I got it. I think I needed more life experience, more boy experience and more failed relationships to really understand everything that was going on. And since that day, I’ve just loved it. It’s one of those movies/books that reveal something new every time you see/read them again. Yes, we’re not perfect. Yes, relationships are messy and painful. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, and sometimes you never truly know what you had until it’s gone. And yes, we can figure it out.

So here’s to you, Nick Hornby. Thank you for teaching us that our guts have shit for brains, compilation tapes are about the people we make them for and that fantasy never delivers.

100 Things About Me

It's the get to know you dance...hello again, new friends, here's everything you never wanted to know about me and more!

Today I visited a blog I’ve been reading for a few years, and she had a list of 100 random things about her. I thought that’d be a fun challenge so here ya go…whether you like it or not! But oh my goodness is 100 a big number. Try to stay awake, if you can.

1. My favorite color is pink. Yes, I am that girlie.
2. I once shoplifted when I was 4. Mom wouldn’t buy me toys so I stuffed a few into my tights. I still remember lifting my skirt and pulling each one out.
3. Red wine makes me feel sexy. And no, I didn’t fall off the bed as I said that like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.
4. I once met Mr. Big from Sex and the City, and he told me I have “great tits.”
5. I bought a fish with a guy I dated in high school and starved it to death when he stopped calling. All the water dried up, and there was just a tiny fish skeleton left in the fishbowl.
6. When I get horny and have no one to make out with, I eat chocolate and pretend it’s a better substitute. Sometimes it really is.
7. I can’t whistle. And believe me, you can’t teach me.
8. I like camping, but hate the sleeping on the ground part. I’m like the princess and the pea when it comes to sleeping.
9. I have a crush on a CNN war correspondent. He’s Australian and his nose looks like it’s been broken about a billion times. He’s tough and smart and it’s wicked hot.
10. Sometimes when I drink too much, a Yankee accent comes out of this Southern girl’s mouth. I think it’s because when I lived in New York, I drank a lot so my drunken state has an accent from its natural origin.
11. I like text flirting.
12. Last year on my birthday, I had 4-5 beers, three shots of SoCo and lime…I think a lemon drop too…and threw up in my childhood friend’s sink.
13. The first time I got drunk, I was 16 and tried to convince my friend it would be ok to let me take a nap on the bathroom floor at her brother's engagement party.
14. My favorite foods are: peanut butter, pizza, fried chicken, and anything with crab meat. Yum. And if french fries were a man, I'd marry em. Oh sure, I like filet mignon and lobster ravioli too, but these are my faaaavorites.
15. I’m a big fan of onomatopoeia.
16. I get energy from being around people so I hate living alone. Sometimes I talk to myself or my dog just to have someone to talk to. Aw poor me. (Do you see the example of onomatopoeia? I didn’t even do that on purpose. I just love it that much.)
17. My new favorite song is called “Johnny & June.” Look it up, take a listen. I do want a love like Johnny and June! But without all the addiction and adultery.
18. I love shoes. Especially high heels because they make me feel tall and pretty. And I’d have Steve Madden’s love child in a heartbeat for a lifetime supply of his shoes.
19. I think my high school boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn’t give him a blowjob. I was an angel...or a prude.
20. I am 1/8 Cherokee Indian. Some woman tried to get me to apply for all these Native American scholarships for college, and I thought that was shady. I’m just thankful I tan nicely in the summer.
21. I have never smoked a cigarette.
22. My mom is my best friend.
23. I hate it when a guy does “baby talk.” You’re a man. You should be grunting or something.
24. Ooo but I do love to be called “baby.” I am a paradox.
25. I used to want to marry young, travel the world, be poor and live off of peanut butter sandwiches and sex. I dream big alright.
26. I like cheese omelets, but am too lazy to learn how to make them. I just assume one day God will give me a man who can grill (I don’t do that either, but did I mention I bake?) and make cheese omelets.
27. I prefer ceiling fans and open windows to air conditioning.
28. I used to love coloring books, but thought I had to make things the “right color” and make outlines on all the pictures. I didn’t like that. My creativity is messy and unique.
29. I believe that the universe talks to us.
30. I have a hard time with the “boyfriend” word. I’m picky about that. You will be corrected if you use the boyfriend word before I want you to be my boyfriend.
31. Sometimes I end sentences with “yo.” I don’t know why.
32. I once had two dates with two guys in one day. I also had two dates with one guy in one day.
33. Virginia Woolf is my favorite.
34. I was an English major and read only half of the books I didn’t like. James Joyce’s Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man…you bore me.
35. Dixie Carter once told me “Go Vols!”
36. I cannot name all the Supreme Court Justices. It is hard. You try.
37. I secretly want a black baby because they’re so gosh darn cute.
38. I can climax from intercourse.
39. I could never live in Alaska. Or [substitute place with cold climate here].
40. My favorite city in all the world is Florence, Italy, and it’s my dream to retire there. What? Mamma said dream big.
41. I ordered a steak in London and sent it back because I thought it was overcooked. They sent a new one, and I was wrong. It wasn’t overcooked. Their meat is just funky. I started going to Burger King when I craved red meat over there.
42. Before 2008 is up, my goal is to learn how to make the perfect crab cake.
43. I’m not afraid of bird flu. Even if Fox News and Lou Dobbs think I should be. Seriously, Lou, why are you always gettin’ the people riled up?
44. My first kiss was in the 6th grade with a guy whose nickname was Sergeant Slobber. I had nothing to do with the nickname, but he sure did live up to it.
45. I don’t do bald, and in fact, I inspect every guy I date for clues as to whether or not he’ll ever be bald. Scalp is icky.
46. I have never been to Chicago, Boston, New Orleans or Austin. But I want to.
47. I love surprises.
48. I love margaritas and tequila shots and think tequila is my happy juice.
49. I like packing and hate unpacking. Sometimes I wait days.
50. I saved every love letter I’ve ever been given. It’s been…5 years since I got one. Emails don’t count. Why don’t people write letters anymore?
51. I have danced on bars. Many.
[I just remembered I threw that last love letter away. Shit. Hope it’s not the for reals last!]
52. After having a fight with my boyfriend about Adam Sandler, he burned my living room down. It's a long story, but that's the gist.
53. I hate that with cell phones it’s so easy to track me down. Sometimes I don’t answer just cuz I’m not in the mood to be found and wanna be all incognito.
54. I’ve been a maid of honor three times. Four if you count the time I was the only friend invited to one friend’s wedding. And five if you count when my friend whose boyfriend is ring shopping gets married. I am the girl from 27 Dresses, and it is eerie and troubling when you personally identify so much with a cheesy romantic comedy.
55. Rachel Ray annoys me. And what’s with her boobs? They change size and sometimes disappear entirely.
56. I’ve never had sex outdoors.
57. I have a long, thin neck and sometimes it gets sore when I wear a necklace that's slightly heavy...or turtlenecks. Superman had kryptonite, Achilles had his heel...I have a pansy of a neck.
58. My cousin, JEM, and I used to play a game where we’d race to get home from the school bus and whoever got there first would lock the other out. I got locked out a lot. He also used to pee in front of me until we were like 13.
59. I always run water when someone I don’t know well can hear me pee. I blame JEM for this.
60. I was in a showchoir. We had two costumes. One was gold lamme, and the other was blue sequins. I have great jazz hands.
61. I pray often.
62. I hate my hands, but love my fingernails.
63. I always wanted to be a ballerina despite my flat feet and spelled my name the French way for all of 5th grade because that was how my French ballet teacher spelled it.
64. At the end of each year, I count up how many times I cried. So far this year, it’s been 4, which is rather a lot for me. Once when my last boyfriend and I had a bad fight (he had a temper...do they all?), once when one of my very best friends got married, and twice about my sick Papaw.
65. I scream when I orgasm and have a hard time climaxing if I’m concentrating on being quiet. Many roommates have heard me…it’s embarrassing…
66. I love road trips. The first road trip I ever took was with two friends, and we drove from Knoxville to Atlanta for a weekend. When we left, I scraped the garage with my car. And when we were in Atlanta, we missed our fancy dinner reservations because we got lost and went around the 285 loop all night. "Look, kids, Big Ben! Parliament!"
67. I like to eat bread when I get drunk.
68. When I was little, I loved to watch Pinwheel on Nickelodeon (shut up to those of you who are too young to remember this show). There was a man who captured sounds in boxes, and I wanted to capture a cloud in a box because I thought it’d be pretty. Until I learned clouds are really just air and not as soft or thick as they look.
69. I dance a lot. On the subway, when I’m walking along the sidewalk, in my kitchen, when I’m driving. I can’t help it. I was born to boogie.
70. I love to throw dinner parties. It’s my favorite.
71. Twice I’ve gone to work still drunk from the night before.
72. I hate close talkers. Get outta my face! I also hate it when people I don’t know touch me. These two may be related.
73. I hate drunk Marines. And no, I will not buy you a Bud Light!
74. My dog uses puppy pads. I know it’s gross, but she’s really little and when I first got her, I was gone for ten hours a day.
75. I believe in true love and soulmates.
76. I am not good at sports, but I love to watch. I played softball for one year in the 6th grade and never caught the ball or hit it once.
77. I’m a sucker for Central Park. And the Capitol. Two different cities. Two inspiring landmarks.
78. I’m a great cook and love it when people finish their plate and ask for seconds.
79. Identical twins totally creep me out. They’re like natural clones. Remember those scary ghost girls from The Shining? How scary were they? I have a serious fear God will give me twins just for having this ridiculous phobia.
80. I’m suspicious of anyone who’s not passionate about something.
81. I turned a guy down for senior prom. He showed up on my front porch wearing a suit and had a bouquet of flowers. It was the sweetest thing, but I already had a date. We didn’t talk for five years, but now we’re friends. Sorry!!
82. I briefly dated a premature ejaculator. It’s not as funny as it was in American Pie cuz you’re actually not supposed to laugh. And I also almost asked another guy if he was hard before realizing he was just that small. Managed to stop myself after saying, “Oh no, are you not…” Yikes. Guess it’s tough to be a dude.
83. I’m just as scared of rollercoasters at 29 as I was at 9.
84. I think the most romantic things that have ever been done for me have been done by guys I didn’t have romantic feelings for. No fair.
85. My mom had a driving contract she made me sign when I got my first car. It had 20-something rules on it, and I broke almost all of them. Oops.
86. A friend and I used to sneak out all the time just to walk around the neighborhood. Yeah. We were bad to the bone.
87. I don’t get Family Guy.
88. I love it when a guy kisses me and holds my face in his hands. Like he’s saying, “You. I want to be kissing you.”
89. I went to the O Town album release party.
90. I once did speed dating because it was free, and I thought it’d be funny. It was. All the dudes were engineers, and all the girls (except me and my friend) were teachers. Aw stereotypes are true!
91. Every day, I try to match my underwear to my mood. Today I’m wearing little boy shorts cuz I feel playful and sporty.
92. I prefer men in boxers. Briefs make me giggle.
93. A friend and I used to always give each other’s guys nicknames. She’s married now, but still makes time to come up with nicknames for my dates. Timeless classics are Condom Pocket Guy, Tupperware Thief and Quick-Draw McGraw. Aren’t we clever? If you name the puppy, you’ll get attached to him, but nicknames work great.
94. Every time I see water, I wish I was in it.
95. My high school health teacher told all the girls we need to marry a man who’s not afraid to walk in the rain. I think lectures like this and about how the establishment (e.g. the Boy Scouts) was always getting him down led to his forced retirement. Thanks for the good times, Herky. Yes, that was his real name.
96. I make the yummiest chocolate chip cookies, but somehow my aunt’s are better even though we use the same recipe. This makes me crazy.
97. I do not like Grand Marnier.
98. A guy has never bought lingerie for me. This is wrong and must be fixed.
99. I own all the Rocky movies because I love him and he makes me believe in myself! But I'm ashamed to admit I've never seen Rocky 5. I have to watch it, no matter how bad you say it is. He’s my Rocky, and I shall do it for him.
100. I can stick my whole fist in my mouth.

Let's Hear It For the Boys!

I love my guy friends. They spoil me to bits, and I just eat it up. In Atlanta, I have some girl friends, but my closest friends are all guys. And I was thinking today about how great dude friends are. I thought I’d make a list why.

1. They never cease to amaze.

One of my guy friends periodically sends me picture messages of his hairy ass. Such fun.

2. They really know how to knock a girl off her feet.

I do like being picked up. I don’t know what it is about that, but no matter who’s doing it, I get all giddy. I have one friend that picks me up and throws me over his shoulders sometimes. It’s good fun unless we’re both drunk. Alcohol makes him want to spin me around and ignore my pleas for “Heeeelllpppp!” and alcohol makes me want to throw up.

3. You can always count on your guy friends to tell you the truth.

If I want to be coddled, I call up a gal pal, but if I want the truth, I talk to a dude. My dude friends will always tell me when a guy’s just not that into me or if my date acted like an absolute douche. And if one of my guys doesn’t like someone I’m dating, they’re never afraid to tell me just how they feel - e.g. "He just sucks," "His shoes were fruity," and "That's what you get for trying to date a guy who thinks like a girl." Of course, they also tell me when I’m having a bad hair day or when my outfit is so stupid they won’t stand next to me.

4. My guy friends will eat up whatever I make, even if it’s bad.

Sometimes I go through cooking fits where I cook and cook and cook way too much food for this little person. And when I do, I can always count on a guy to eat it all up for me. In college, I tried to make chocolate mousse, but unfortunately, it wasn’t the right consistency and actually bent spoons. Never fear. My friend ate up not only his serving, but everyone else’s too, saying it was yummy and chewy like taffy.

5. They have good ideas.

My friend, Goofer, visited me in NYC for New Year's and told me he always wanted to pee on a New York sidewalk. He wanted a picture of him realizing his dream so now I have a photo displayed in my home of my friend peeing on his shoes, giving the thumbs-up. Another friend thought it'd be funny to steal a booster seat from Taco Bell. He was right. It was funny to see him run out the door with a plastic child seat hidden under his shirt. He's such a sweetheart, he even gave it to me as a birthday present.

6. They often give bad advice, but it's always good for a laugh.

Gems like, "Don't be dumb - get you some," "You don't have to pick. Just date them both," "Three shots of So-Co will be ok," "The next time a guy does that to you, kick him in the nuts," and "Don't smell it, just drink it."

7. They teach me about sports.

For instance, I've learned: "They're not points, they're runs," "You don't throw a basketball, you shoot it," "Offsides = false start, It doesn't matter they have different names, it's the same thing," and "You can never be too loud while watching a game." I do have to say, though, there is one thing I've heard over and over again that they're just wrong about - "It doesn't matter how hot Derek Jeter is, he's still overrated." In my expert opinion, it's his cuteness that puts him over the top and will ensure he has a spot in every All-Star Game until he's in a walker.

8. I never have to worry about what I wear when I'm with my dude friends because I know I'll always look better than them.

They don't iron. They do the "sniff test" to decide if something's clean enough to wear. They think socks are optional. They think there's never a time or place where it's not ok to wear a baseball hat.

9. Sometimes they use their cock-block powers for good, not evil.

For instance, when a bar guy asked me where I was from, and after I answered "Tennessee," told me, "Well, you're the only ten I see." As if he had a sixth sense, my dude friend showed up just in time for me to say, "Have you met my boyfriend?" And when the guy in the mullet, black sweatshirt and Air Jordans asked my dude friend if I was his girl, he thankfully was smart enough to say yes.

10. I'll always be their favorite girl. Aw.

Red Flag!! Warning!! Alert! Alert!

Last night, I had dinner with a good friend. We laughed a lot. I'm still laughing, in fact. And between the two of us, we've had many many bad dates, failed relationships, failed attempts at relationships, stalkers...you name it. And all of those left us with hilarious stories and clues for the next go-round.

It all started because she was in a relationship recently where there were plenty of red flags just screaming at her, but she ignored them all. I told her not to worry about that because we've all put blinders on at one point or another. We talked about how sometimes the flags have been obvious, like loud blinking sirens, but other times we only noticed them with our 20/20 hindsight. I do it on purpose sometimes. I see the red flags, know what I'm getting into but do it anyway because I want to and then I'm prepared for what happens.

Eventually, we listed the classics, and here's what we put together. I had 1-13 and A wrote 14-26. We make quite a team, and together may actually be able to avoid having loser boyfriends ever again.

Red Flags

1. He doesn't have friends. If no one wants to hang out with this guy, then I shouldn't either.
2. He double fists on a first date. Drunkeness is so not hot.
3. He lies for a living.
4. He doesn't clip his toenails or fingernails. Any man who can't groom himself needs a mommy, not a girlfriend. And honestly, if he can't groom something so visible to others, how does he attend to what's less visible?
5. He picks a fight with a stranger. Anger management much?
6. He professes his love for you or proposes marriage before you've even agreed to have dinner with him. Seriously, what is a first date like after that? Picking out china patterns?
7. He's wearing black sweatpants and a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Trust me, it happened. I'm from Tennessee.
8. He asks you out in a text message...and in fact only communicates via text. Uh...any dude who's too scared to man up couldn't handle a sassy, independent woman like me.
9. He proudly tells you stories about being so drunk he slept on park benches and on a roof in a thunderstorm. This is especially alarming if he's currently consuming alcohol. You worry he's going to sleep on your front stoop.
10. He doesn't like to leave the house. If he has a reason he can't be seen in public, you should probably worry about being alone with him.
11. If he only wants to talk about himself, he's just not that into you. And let's face it, if he's selfish in conversation, he's not gonna be a giver in bed...
12. He cries during the date. I'm all for sensitive men, but I prefer dudes with hairy chests sans sobbing.
13. He doesn't like comedy. Anyone who's against laughter is probably a terrorist.
14. While in the middle of a relationship, he cries, but no tears actually come out.
15. His daily interactions with you seem eerily similar to advice given in a book you picked up once from the sale rack in Borders.
16. He doesn't watch TV. Is he a communist?
17. He claims he doesn't drink, but then gets very excited at the prospect of Belgian beer.
18. When you first meet, he tells you he's from Portland. Upon further conversation months later, you discover he is actually from Atlanta.
19. He hoards boxes of muscle enhancing pills that have previously been taken off the market. He tells you they are not steroids, but you know better.
20. He doesn't know who Paris Hilton is. Seriously, is he a communist?
21. He tells you that he's slept with an absurd amount of people. He is proud of this.
22. He is a Republican.
23. He is a Libertarian.
24. Because he is so high-strung, he honestly needs to smoke pot "to relax." And then he burns down your apartment. Not a fitting punishment for ignoring a red flag, if you ask me.
25. The only thing he does on your first date is tell jokes. Bad jokes.
26. He is noticeably disgusted when you pass a billboard for Dove's real beauty campaign. He prefers fake beauty.

I Heart Me.

I have been too hard on myself, and those days are over. I just have to stay grounded in who I am, and I'll be ok. I know myself, and that's all that really matters.

I think that for a long time, I blamed myself for not being able to say "yes" to something that seemed so perfect. In the end, it was actually that it was never perfect or right. And I didn't do anything wrong, except not trust my instincts. More often than not in my life, I have let people make me feel a certain way. Make me feel wrong. But just because someone tells me something is true, that doesn't mean it is.

And the truth is - I rule. I am great. And I know it. The people who love me know it. It's just a fact. I am strong. I am resilient. I am optimistic and positive. I am sensitive and honest. And a freaking blast.

Oh, birthdays. You can sure beat a sista down. And I'm wobbling a lot on this one. But I just feel more confident and more centered than ever before. There are little things about me that I really love. And I need to remind myself of them more often. So let me just talk about myself for awhile, k?

• I love to scratch backs. People seem to like having their backs scratched, and I like being the one making someone feel happy and relaxed.



• I love brunch. It is by far my favorite meal. I love Bloody Marys, Mimosas, and some yummy cheesy eggs to go with great conversation and company. And brunch, like everything, is always better with sunshine.



• I need coffee in the morning. And I need to snooze. I am a night owl, not a cheery, perky morning person.



• I love my family. Even though they're crazy and make me feel like a black sheep sometimes. I love how loud they are, I love that we're always there for each other, I love that we're so close. I feel a little sorry, truly, for people who don't have close, big, loud families.



• I am a damn fine cook. And I freaking love it. I cook lavish meals for just little ol' me sometimes if I need a little relaxation and pampering. It's like therapy. And I love cooking for other people. I think it's such a giving, generous act to spend so much time putting love and goodness into a meal.



• I have dualities. I like to water ski and snow ski. I like the beach and the mountains. I like beer and champagne. Dressing up and dressing down.



• I am good at taking care of other people. I am really good at loving. It's our purpose in life, isn't it?



• I have great taste in music and movies. Totally.



• I am a great hostess. I always throw fun parties and I'm always the life of the party anywhere I'm at. If I ever get married, we will be the cool couple who have nights out on the town and drink to excess. And one day, I'm gonna have a sweet old house with wood floors, a porch and lots of character. Maybe even a ghost! If I want one. He'd probably come around for the parties too.



• I would get in a car right now and drive to a beach. One thing I have learned is life is what you make it. I thought I couldn't take a chance, but no, I could. I just didn't want to. And that goes to show me that I should trust myself more. I am courageous and impulsive.



• I love my loud laugh, and that I got so excited watching a football game at a party a couple years ago that someone told me to use my inside voice. As if I have one. Loud and proud!



• I like walking in the rain and bubble baths and long dinners and movie days. And now I feel like I'm writing a personal ad...

I have honestly never felt better about myself, what I want and how to live my life. I feel like everything I've experienced in my life is culminating into this one moment. 29 is gonna be great. Because I will make it great.

Hi, Have You Met My Boyfriend?

My mother used to nag me about marrying some guy who sat in front of her at church every Sunday. Some guy I've never had a conversation with or know at all. Nor has she. It broke her heart when he got a girlfriend. She said that his girlfriend and her mother started sitting with him in church every day and she said to me, "That could have been me!" Now, he's enaged. Aaron, I think, is his name. When I was talking to my mother this morning, she told me I shouldn't be so picky. Whereas I actually think that I shouldn't settle. That's something that has always been important to me. So in honor of Aaron the guy who sits in front of my mother at church getting engaged, I'd like to dedicate the following impossible list of perfection -

My boyfriend likes to watch bad scary movies on the couch with me at one in the morning.
My boyfriend likes to make cheese omelets for me for breakfast.
My boyfriend likes Tennessee football and at least watches baseball. He definitely says "Go Vols" and sings Rocky Top at games.
My boyfriend is nice to my dog and gives her all the attention she deserves.
My boyfriend likes the music in my iPod, and I like the music in his.
My boyfriend doesn't smoke. Ick.
My boyfriend thinks I'm cute when I'm drunk. "You're so cute when you're slurring your words, but they're closing the bar and they want us to leave..."
My boyfriend knows the band who sang the lyric I just quoted. And how awesome they are.
My boyfriend is not a Republican. Ick.
My boyfriend's a great kisser, and we really just can't keep our hands off each other.
My boyfriend reads the newspaper (ooo sometimes curled up with me!) and has intelligent things to say about it. And he absolutely knows what global warming is.
My boyfriend makes me laugh a lot.
My boyfriend loves my cooking. Maybe he likes to watch me cook, maybe he cooks with me, but he always helps with the dishes and sometimes has two helpings. Mmm!
My boyfriend is fun on road trips and always gets me Red Bull when we stop.
My boyfriend always makes time for me because he likes being near me.
My boyfriend and I do sexy things in fun, interesting places!
My boyfriend likes back scratches. And maybe head scratches too aw.
My boyfriend is not perfect, but he's perfect for me. And he is out there somewhere. Even if it's not on the pew in front of my mother at church. :P

My Fantasy Boyfriend Says...

Everyone has fantasies. I took mine a step farther and now have a photo of George from Grey's Anatomy up in my cubicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But at least I have clean fantasies!

I also have a fantasy boyfriend. All my friends know about him. We always make jokes about it. Like, "Oh, I hope my boyfriend will be out tonight." Or "Is your boyfriend going to the show on Saturday?" It's pathetic, but amusing. This week, I came up with things that my fantasy boyfriend would say to me.

"Who cares about her big, beautiful round breasts? Your tiny ones are the most beautiful in the world. And you have a great ass."

"Good morning, beautiful. Your voice just had to be one of the first sounds of my day."

"Good night, beautiful. Your voice just had to be the last sound I heard before I fell asleep."

"I like that band too! Let's go to their concert!" (because my boyfriend and I have a lot of music fun together.)

"Let's dance!" (he loves to dance.)

"I have a surprise for you, baby! We're going to New York for the weekend! I sure do love it there."

"Go Vols!"

"When do I get to see you again?" (he loves being around me.)

"I love your cooking - everything you make is perfect."

"Anything you want, baby."

"I love going down on you. Can I do it again? I just want to see how many orgasms I can give you!"

"I would set myself on fire for you." (No, I don't want that, but it is the funniest band name I've ever heard.)

::sigh:: Alas, I haven't met my boyfriend yet. We keep missing each other. But doesn't he seem swell?

Aw man, don't judge me! You have fantasies too! And ok, ok, fine. There are two pictures of George from Grey's Anatomy in my cubicle. But he's just so darn funny and nice! And fictional, I know, just like my fantasy boyfriend. Hmph. My fantasy love life is just way better than reality, and at least it's keeping me entertained while I wait.