All You Need is Love, Love is All You Need.

2009 is a great year so far. It's just been fun and full of good company. I've been so busy the past few weeks it's crazy. Not just with the sweet, wonderful new boyfriend, but also with lots of friends. I don't know why I didn't feel like I had good friends in Atlanta. I have great friends in Atlanta.

Last fall was interesting for me. I pulled away from most people because I just needed to deal with everything on my own. I do that, whether it's healthy or helpful, it's part of who I am. There were friends that pushed through the barriers I set up. People who called or emailed relentlessly despite the fact that I took days or even weeks to respond. Those were people who knew what I was doing but regardless they pushed my boundaries to let them in.

There were people that dropped back and let me have my alone time. They also knew what I was doing and why. There were friends I barely talked to for 2-3 months, but who completely understood and loved me anyway. I was grateful for the space and for the understanding, and we're close again now as though there was never a beat skipped.

I also had a few problems, though, with people who I don't think understood or well, the truth is I guess I don't understand the problems and probably never will. I know that there were a couple of friends who expected me to lean on them more than I did and resent me for it still. I think they took it personally when it really had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. One friend I did talk to frequently interpreted that as me coming onto him. I haven't heard from him in awhile, and I wonder if that's why. And yet another who I tried to lean on, but every time, he made a move because he thought by asking for his friendship, I was saying I was open to something more. That one I don't talk to much now.

Early on, soon after my grandfather passed, someone told me that through the experience, I would learn who my real friends are. I think that's true to an extent, but I would phrase it a little differently. I learned who the people are who really, truly know me. And who love me. That was not something I expected out of the grieving experience. My friends do really know me, though, and looking back, I'm grateful for the friendships that withstood all the strain and the ones that deepened because of it.

The night that I drove home praying I would arrive before he passed, I had 6 hours in the car alone. I tried to call a few friends, sent texts to one or two others, but had a two hour long conversation with one friend. This friend and I had a hiccup in our friendship about a year prior, a big hiccup that we had talked our way through and worked through, but one that left both of us a little cautious. In my moment of need, I don't think there would have been anyone better to talk to. So while other friends didn't answer or weren't around, the one I did talk to that night was the person I was meant to. And we are so much closer now because of it.

The biggest lessons (if lesson is the right word) I learned in the past few months are how important the people in my life are and how important it is to form true and deep relationships. I don't want to waste time trying to force friendships or being the only one keeping the friendship going. I've spent way too much time doing that in my life. I want to foster and nurture the friendships I have. I want to always show the love and support for my friends that they gave to me in these past few months.

The only thing that matters in life is love, true love. It's easy to say, it's catchy, it might even be a Beatles song, but there's very real, core-shaking truth to that statement. I am absolutely nothing without the people I share my life with. And if those people don't truly know and understand me, what friendship or love we have cannot withstand a test. Life is only worth living if we love and are loved in return. And to not thank God every single day for the love overflowing in my life would be a disgrace.

Eeeee!!

This has been a great week. I made it through and actually finished my papers. May have even kicked their little paper asses. And had two GREAT dates with a GREAT guy!

I actually like him. He's so sweet and cute and fun. The dates were so good, I never wanted them to end aw. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think this one really has potential. He seems mature and...just different from the others...I don't know. Maybe I'm different. But I never would have expected this in a million years. A million!

Fingers crossed!!

Down with Dope. Up with Hope!

I stumbled upon this quote today by Georgia O’Keefe, who I’m mad at but that’s a whole other story. The quote is brilliant:

I don't see why we ever think of what others think of what we do - no matter who they are - isn't it enough just to express yourself...

She’s right. That should be enough. It seems to be the theme for the past couple of weeks, doesn’t it? Be true to yourself. Be happy with yourself, with what you do, what you say, how you act. And above all, be gentle with yourself because surely the rest of the world batters you around enough.

I can be very…cynical. Or no, that’s the wrong word, I’m not sure I can be cynical because that, to me, is an absolute absence of passion. No. I think that I can be very pessimistic sometimes. I either think the worst or I think the best. There’s no in between. It’s hilarious, really, this rollercoaster of emotions that I go through on a daily basis. But I do really love it about myself. I love my passion, even when it’s crazy and irrational and out of control. It’s the best way to live. Always feeling.

So, ok, back to hope. I think that when I’m pessimistic, I’m still always hopeful. I know that's an oxymoron, but somehow I manage to always hold onto hope. Sometimes I do get mad at myself for being too naïve or too optimistic. It does get me in trouble probably more often than not, but it’s who I am. I hope. I am ever hopeful.

I am hopeful that the world can be a better place, and I'm hopeful that I can play a small part in that. I am hopeful that I can be a better person. I am hopeful that things will work out for those I love. And I’m hopeful that we’ll always be close. I’m also hopeful that I’ll find what I’m looking for and that I’ll be at peace if I don't. I’m hopeful because I believe in myself. I think that’s where it comes from.

And because I believe in the good. Even when it’s hard to see it, I can see it. Just ask me. I think that it's even a conscious decision sometimes. I see what someone wishes they were instead of who they are because I'm hopeful with them that they'll become the person they want to be. Everyone has something good, worthy of value, and by loving what is lovable, we're seeing people as God sees them. Or in a situation, I see all the good that could come of it and all the beauty in a moment. And I choose to be that way. I want to be someone who believes people when they say things and doesn't assume the worst or feel suspicious. I want to be someone who believes in people and who can always see beauty. I want to enjoy people and life. And so I do.

I’m a hoper. And even when that comes back to bite me, I still feel alright cuz I'm full of hope. If you don’t have hope and faith, then you can’t have love. And I have a lot of love in me for the world and everyone in it. "Always love, hate will get you every time..."

I won’t hold anything back
And I won’t hold anything in
Feel like I know where this is going
And I might know how it ends
But I’m still willing to begin

Freckles and Feet

My mom has freckles all over her body. She’s a redhead, and it’s just par for the course. When she was pregnant with me, she prayed over and over that I wouldn’t have freckles. She probably didn’t even pray as hard about me having ten fingers and toes as she did about no freckles. When she was growing up, she got teased a lot for hers, and she thinks they’re ugly. The funny thing is that when I was little, I wanted more freckles because my mommy had so many. What is one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

I do have freckles. Not a lot, but just enough, I think. Someone told me once that freckles are angel kisses. I told my mom that, and she said the angels must’ve really loved her. She was joking, but I told her she was probably right, and that it sounds nice that angels picked her as a favorite and showed her so much divine affection.

I have big hands and feet. Sometimes I think my hands can be pretty, but mostly, I think they’re just big. When I danced, they helped me look graceful. But they’re not my favorite part of me. I had to learn to love them, and it wasn’t easy.

I can’t remember anymore when I first had this thought; it seems like something I’ve always had. There was something I got teased for a lot when I was little. And it was something that I actually liked about myself so I think that made it harder when I was teased for it. Why didn’t they see what I saw? I decided that one day, I would meet someone who loved me for it too, and that would be the man I was going to marry. He would tell me he loved it, and then I would know. It would be a sign. I thought that maybe God made this so that only one person could appreciate it.

It’s a sweet idea, but it ended up being something that a lot of people like about me. So kinda shot holes in my theory, ya know? At some point, I decided on something else. Something that I loved about me, but felt no one had ever noticed. I think it’s beautiful, but no one pays it any mind. I waited and waited and eventually someone did notice it and said he liked it. And no, we are not married...though he's still the only person to ever say anything about it...still probably a theory of holes.

I think the actual point of those ideas, though, is that I love those things about me. Things that some don’t love or don’t even see. And all that really matters is that I see them, and I love them. I think that’s something I’ve gotten better at as I’ve gotten older. And damn, I do love me. I rule. There are so many great things about me, more than a few that others are blind to. It’s a hard thing to do, to love yourself. Even harder is to forgive yourself. I even have a sweet little nickname for me I say to myself when I need to calm down. If I don’t love me, who else will?

My friends love all the little things about me, and my best friends find things in me to love that even I don’t see. Freckles are obvious and easy to notice, but it’s the spots and scars on the inside that only love can find. A few years ago, a new freckle showed up, and it quickly became my favorite. It’s on a toe. So cute! And it gave me a reason to like my feet. I think really it’s the spots and the little things that are the most important.

baby, these are all the things i know are true
your heart, your skin, your breath
all the things inside of you
your freckled chest
my wishing stars

I Heart Me.

I have been too hard on myself, and those days are over. I just have to stay grounded in who I am, and I'll be ok. I know myself, and that's all that really matters.

I think that for a long time, I blamed myself for not being able to say "yes" to something that seemed so perfect. In the end, it was actually that it was never perfect or right. And I didn't do anything wrong, except not trust my instincts. More often than not in my life, I have let people make me feel a certain way. Make me feel wrong. But just because someone tells me something is true, that doesn't mean it is.

And the truth is - I rule. I am great. And I know it. The people who love me know it. It's just a fact. I am strong. I am resilient. I am optimistic and positive. I am sensitive and honest. And a freaking blast.

Oh, birthdays. You can sure beat a sista down. And I'm wobbling a lot on this one. But I just feel more confident and more centered than ever before. There are little things about me that I really love. And I need to remind myself of them more often. So let me just talk about myself for awhile, k?

• I love to scratch backs. People seem to like having their backs scratched, and I like being the one making someone feel happy and relaxed.



• I love brunch. It is by far my favorite meal. I love Bloody Marys, Mimosas, and some yummy cheesy eggs to go with great conversation and company. And brunch, like everything, is always better with sunshine.



• I need coffee in the morning. And I need to snooze. I am a night owl, not a cheery, perky morning person.



• I love my family. Even though they're crazy and make me feel like a black sheep sometimes. I love how loud they are, I love that we're always there for each other, I love that we're so close. I feel a little sorry, truly, for people who don't have close, big, loud families.



• I am a damn fine cook. And I freaking love it. I cook lavish meals for just little ol' me sometimes if I need a little relaxation and pampering. It's like therapy. And I love cooking for other people. I think it's such a giving, generous act to spend so much time putting love and goodness into a meal.



• I have dualities. I like to water ski and snow ski. I like the beach and the mountains. I like beer and champagne. Dressing up and dressing down.



• I am good at taking care of other people. I am really good at loving. It's our purpose in life, isn't it?



• I have great taste in music and movies. Totally.



• I am a great hostess. I always throw fun parties and I'm always the life of the party anywhere I'm at. If I ever get married, we will be the cool couple who have nights out on the town and drink to excess. And one day, I'm gonna have a sweet old house with wood floors, a porch and lots of character. Maybe even a ghost! If I want one. He'd probably come around for the parties too.



• I would get in a car right now and drive to a beach. One thing I have learned is life is what you make it. I thought I couldn't take a chance, but no, I could. I just didn't want to. And that goes to show me that I should trust myself more. I am courageous and impulsive.



• I love my loud laugh, and that I got so excited watching a football game at a party a couple years ago that someone told me to use my inside voice. As if I have one. Loud and proud!



• I like walking in the rain and bubble baths and long dinners and movie days. And now I feel like I'm writing a personal ad...

I have honestly never felt better about myself, what I want and how to live my life. I feel like everything I've experienced in my life is culminating into this one moment. 29 is gonna be great. Because I will make it great.

To be continued...

Ok. It's seriously been a long time since I've written anything. Sorry 'bout that. I was obsessing and spending all my free time on something for awhile. Then I went to the beach to wash it all off. Now I'm back in the real world, though much tanner. I look good tan. If I do say so myself.

A few weeks ago, I had a birthday. I wanted to come up with a long list of all the things I learned in the past year, all the ways that I've grown, that I'm a little brighter, a little better. Though certainly not done yet. And that's been hard. This is the list I came up with.

1. Tuesday is a day that needed a little something. An ordinary, mostly overlooked day. No one's favorite. It needed something special, and it got it. Now Tuesday will never be the same to me. And I'll miss it very much.



2. I get myself down more than I should. Thinking about ways I should be better. But what I should focus on is that it's awesome that I want to be better. I care about being better. And that's more than some people who sail through life without ever stopping to gauge where they are.



3. I do not like Grand Marnier.



4. I am becoming intolerant of those that I think practice intolerance. What's that old saying? Show me what a man hates, I'll show you who he is.



5. I do not want to go on any more bad dates. And so, after 12 years, I am letting go of my philosophy of always accepting a date when it's offered. My time is more valuable than I ever gave myself credit for.



6. I am getting old. That's ok. Kind of. But I need to start using eye cream. Like the old proverb, "Trust in God, but lock your car."



7. People do good things for all sorts of reasons, some of them bad...a lot of them bad. And sometimes the motive matters more than the result, sometimes the other way around. I just want to always be one of the people who does good things for good reasons.



8. I now know how to hula hoop. I even own one of my own that someone made just for me. It's actually a good workout for the tummy muscles.



9. I need to trust my instincts about people more often. With guys I date, but also with friends that I have. Life is too short to spend it with people who aren't good influences or who aren't healthy. I want to surround myself with people who challenge me, who make me think, who support me and who give me something to strive for.



10. I don't like sitting at a desk all day. I like people. And movement. And variety.



11. When I'm upset and someone says, "It'll be okay," that's quickly becoming one of my biggest pet peeves. It's just not always true. No one knows whether it is or not when they say it, they just say it so you'll stop saying 'it's not going to be ok.' I'm going to try not to say that anymore either. It's important to be creative and truthful.



12. I am not going to be thin and small forever. Time to start working out again and beat down Father Time and his big ol' clock. And maybe have one less pint of Magic Hat #9 when I go to the bar.



13. It's more important to be true to who you are than to be or say whatever you think people will like. I know that's so cliche, but I really have wasted too much time keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself and pretending to be someone I'm not. If people don't like me for me, then see #9 because they're not worth my precious precious time.



14. People don't care enough about things that matter.



15. As bad as things get, I can survive just about anything. Because eventually, in time, things will get better. And almost always they're better off than ever before.



16. "Some people have all of life's answers worked out the day they're born and there's no use trying to teach them anything new. And trying to change what they think, the attempt to explain, the hope they'll come to see your side of things, it was exhausting, because it never made a dent and afterward you only ached unbearably."



17. I know I am doing better than I think. But I still have lots more to learn. To be continued!

My Portion

I am so content right now it's eerie. Suspiciously so. I just feel so centered and grounded and so aware of every moment.

I look back sometimes at these silly posts and remember what was happening in my life when I wrote each one. If anyone reads this (ok, besides the 3 people that do), they would have no idea the context of each reflection or commentary. But it's so much better when you can color in the background.

I have watched myself grow up. It's such an amazing thing to be able to notice. Hurrah. Progress! And I've watched my friends grow up too, which is truly beautiful. It's a rare and special thing that I have so many close friends that I've known for such a long time. I really treasure our history.

I've seen them graduate, choose careers, find success, marry, even become a parent. We've made mistakes together and helped each other move on. Even despite distance because, sadly, all my best friends do not live in one area. But we manage. I know that there are a handful of good people that I could call no matter what time, day or night. When they get married, I'm there no matter what. When my friend had her child, I flew home and met the sweet baby when she was just hours old. We go to funerals to support each other and throw parties to celebrate each other. I just could not make it through life's big moments without these people, and I am so incredibly blessed to have so much love in my life.

And so I'm content. I don't really care, for the first time in my life, if I ever marry or find someone. In fact, I rather like being single and hope I stay single for a long while. I'm just so happy in my life, I really can't imagine anything else coming into it. And I really don't want anything to. My cup overflows. I have enough.

There's a Bible verse I like, somewhere in Psalms, that says God is my portion. Yes, God is my portion. And my friends and family are my portion too. Exactly the right amount of sustenance and substance. I am content.

There's More to the Story...

I freaking love Grey's Anatomy. That show takes me through a whole range of emotions every week for that one little hour. I cry, I laugh, I get giddy, I empathize, I remember important people and important moments in my life. It's beautiful.

I missed last night's episode, but a friend from work downloaded it for me on a DVD so I just watched it over lunch. I sat at my desk, in my little cubicle, with a Baja Fresh burrito in front of me and popped the sucker into my computer. My eyes were glued to the screen. And at one point, I almost cried into my salsa the ep was so good.

Why do I love that show so much? Why do I love the rollercoaster of emotions each week? Why, after each episode is over, do I feel so relieved and relaxed?

We need to feel because when we do, we feel alive. It's why I listen to the music I listen to - it makes me feel. I thrive off of passion. I need to be passionate about something every day or I feel empty and bored. Passion is what gets the blood flowing into my heart. Passion about something. Lately, I'm passionate about my job. I'm passionate about the friends in my life. I'm always passionate about my family.

Last September, I went to a friend's wedding. I was going through a rough patch and had been feeling pretty beaten down. I needed...something. And I got it. I met a guy. He was funny, nice, interesting, he liked me and was full of compliments. It was a great weekend. We email every once in awhile, he's a nice guy, but nothing more came of it and nothing was supposed to. I just needed to be danced with. I needed to be reminded that I would dance again.

And maybe that's what Grey's reminds me too. That my life has a plan and a purpose. That I will feel again. I know it's fiction, I really do. But for some reason, the silly little drama-filled world of Seattle Grace Hospital gives me hope that there's more drama left in my story. Sometimes, I really do need to be reminded that the best is yet to come.

Makin' It To the Big Game

I love Peyton Manning. Love. L-O-V-E. I think he's an outstanding quarterback. Full of heart and he's a smart QB too, always has been. He's great fun to watch and truly one of the greatest players in NFL history. But he's kind of an underdog sometimes.

Everyone calls him a 'choke artist.' No one thought he would ever go to the Super Bowl, much less beat his arch nemesis the Patriots to get there. And just watching him out there on the field, you can tell that he's an emotional, passionate player. When he messes up, you see his frustration and disappointment on his face, but then you watch him try and try and try again with everything he has.

Sunday, the first half of the game was depressing. For awhile it was 21-3. The Colts ended the half with just a field goal more, taking them to 21-6. De-press-ing. The announcers were repeating all that trash talk, saying it seems like he'll just never get it together, never be able to pull it off. But then he did. They did. The Colts accomplished the biggest comeback in playoff history. Biggest. Ever.

Sometimes I feel like that. Like I'm just down and out, all the cards are stacked against me and I'm just never gonna figure things out, get them right or find my way. I feel like I'm down 21 to 3, with no hope. But when we believe all that hype about what's possible and what's not and about the pace the game needs to move in or the dynamics you need to win, we forget that what's most important and most needed is FAITH.

When you feel like what you want is never going to happen, you have to still hold onto that belief that it can and that it will. I feel so lost sometimes. What do I want to do? Where should I live? Who is right for me? What do I want? Oh, the questions. They'll make you crazy and make you feel like you don't know anything and haven't accomplished anything. And I feel that every once in awhile. But I have to remind myself that it ain't over til it's over. If my timeline seems a bit behind everyone else's, that doesn't mean I'm not gonna be able to catch up.

I can make it to my Super Bowl too. And so can you. I like to think that my screaming at the TV helps Peyton. And my defending him against everyone who says, 'Eh. I'm not a fanning,' makes a difference. The more people who believe in you, and who let you know it, the better chance you have of winning. Not that Peyt can hear me through the TV but...I believe my good thoughts and well wishes can travel through and affect things. So, let the people you love know you love them. Let them know you believe in them because it's true - they can do it. We can all make it to the big game.

My Day. My Independence Day.

Yesterday was My Independence Day. My Day. Mine. A year ago exactly yesterday, I was freed to go find myself a new life. I may not have more fresh-start opportunities like that, and I hope that one day I'll stop craving them. But I doubt if any previous opportunities such as that have produced as much growth as the past year has.

The year before the past year...uh, so that was like two years ago...anyway, that year was a really painful and difficult year. And I'm sure there was some growth in there somewhere, but mostly, I think that year was about hanging on. I learned survival skills, I realized the strength I have, I better understood the bonds I have with certain family members and I learned a little more about what I do and do not need and want. So that was an important year to crawl through.

But the past year. The past year, I have finally become proud of myself. I've realized and accepted (and set out to improve) some of my faults. That is hard work, let me tell you, and quite tough cuz I'm sensitive. More than anything, I feel like I've realized and developed my independence. I've always been independent. But the past year, I feel like for the first time, I truly was. And I finally have a job that is personally and professionally satisfying. One that makes me feel good because I am part of making the world a better place and because I am actually pretty good at what I do. I never understood how fulfilling all that could be.

There's more work to do next year, but it's good to exhale and realize how far I've come. I'm still very insecure about some things, still have major problems with intimacy, still have fears and doubts, still get nervous and anxious too much, still need to be more responsible. Ugh. When I think about all there is to do, though, I get lost in that and can't see what all I've done. Sometimes we get focused on the logistics and stats. We want to see numbers, evidence, quantification of progress, of accomplishment. But that's just not what life is all about. Life is about all the things you don't plan, all the things you have to look for to find, all the things you miss when you're focused on other things. And life is in the feelings.

Yesterday, I felt a lot of feelings. Proud because something amazing and historic happened at work. Peaceful because I remembered what I was going through at this time last year and all the pain during that time that I don't feel anymore. Happy because I feel like I'm on the right track finally. But also sad that there wasn't someone to truly share all of that with (why do you keep missing all my big moments?!?). And nervous and fearful for all that is still unknown.

But as I fell asleep last night, after finishing an empowering book, after talking to one of my most favorite people and after thinking about the past, I watched those silly red lights blink on the Washington Monument and realized where I am now. And I saw the Capitol dome and all the hope it inspires me with and remembered that the best is still yet to come.

Pretty Enough for Me

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me?
- Kasey Chambers

The first time I heard that song I felt the lyrics were already so familiar that I could almost sing along. I knew them instantly by heart as though they had been written on mine for years. And it's true. Sometimes we all go through periods of self-doubt, where insecurities reign and self-confidence has been chased away. Whether you're a man or a woman, you've definitely had an experience (usually a heartbreak) that left you wondering if you somehow just weren't enough.

I like that she says "I try as hard as I can" because that's all that you can say when your thoughts are cloudy with questioning. You know you tried as hard as you could, but you still wonder what you could have (or should have) done differently. You wonder if you were a little better or a little prettier, would things be different?

I find myself caught up in thoughts like those sometimes. They feel like cyclones, spinning you out of control until you feel far away from who you are.

The harsh thing is that it's true. Sometimes you aren't pretty enough or smart enough or strong enough. Sometimes being you isn't enough.

When you break up with someone, it's not always because of outside circumstances. Sometimes it's about the guy. Sometimes he's just not enough for you, just not what you're looking for or what you want. And that's okay. Sometimes someone doesn't want to be with you because they just don't want you. It might mean that you aren't enough for them, but it never means you aren't enough for someone else or that you aren't enough for yourself.

That's the important thing to remember. In the midst of the doubting, the questioning, the self-deprecation. You have to hold onto yourself and what you know of you. You have to hold onto who you are and what you want. And you have to hold it up. I may not be pretty enough for him right now, but I'm happy with me so it's ok if I'm not what he wants.

I listen to that song every now and then, and sometimes the words still sting. But I always know that no matter what, whether he wants me or not, I'm good enough for me and content with myself so that's all that matters and all I need.