Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Life is What You Make It

I can't sleep. It rained in Atlanta today, and rain pounded down on my life today. I've had a really bad day and not a great summer, to be honest with you. I tried to sneak out of bed, but woke MG...oops. "You okay?" "Yeah. I'm just getting up." "You can watch TV if you want." "Ok." "I love you." "I love you too. Sorry for waking you."


A week ago, we moved into a new apartment...together. Well, sort of together. He has more stuff in this one than he had in the last, and his name is on the lease, but we're waiting to move furniture in until IT is official. As I'm typing this, I'm wondering WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I have a wonderful man who is everything I ever hoped for and more, and he loves me more than I ever thought I would be. And I love him more than I ever knew I could love someone. So what's wrong? Why doesn't that make all the other shit in my life unimportant and incapable of keeping me up at night?

I'm so damn lucky, I know how lucky I am - I've been there, I've had shitty boyfriends, bad dates, guys that don't call - so I know I hit the jackpot here. But the thing is that when you find your soulmate (yes, dammit, I used that word), it is an incredible miracle. It's just that it's also not the end of a fairy tale. Life goes on after the movie ends. And what you don't see in the two hours that Katherine Heigl or Sandra Bullock are on screen is that work is crazy and there are other characters in the lives of our leads besides the sidekick or two that we see nodding enthusiastically and chiming in with sarcastic comments. The thing is - life is not a movie, even when it feels like one.

Family sucks. Family fucking sucks. No one can hurt you like family and no one can screw you up more. I have never been in a movie family. Much less a sitcom family with make up hugs and laugh tracks. My family is more complicated than that. There are those I don't talk to at all, those I don't talk to often enough because of weirdness and those I wish I could never talk to again but have to because, well, they're family.

I'm an only child, and my father has been pretty much out of the picture even when he was in it. So I understand all about making your own family. That's why I cherish my friendships so much and love my friends as fiercely and deeply as I do. My best friend from childhood and I call each other sisters - because that's what we are. I have a movie family if you count my friend family. I guess it's kind of like what I was saying about MG. I know what it's like not to be loved, and that makes me love more intensely.

Even so, when someone in my family (or a friend I love like family) thinks I suck or tells me horrible qualities they think I have, I wallow in that nastiness. Why does it hurt so much? Why does the hatefulness hurt even when you expect it? And why doesn't it get any easier as you get older? I don't understand the point of it all, repeating the same nonsense over and over. It feels like I'm in a Greek myth. But instead of rolling the boulder up the hill and having that fucker roll back down every dang time, my curse is I try hard to make people happy, I want so much to be loved and accepted, I want everyone to get along - but that damn boulder rolls the fuck down every time.

(Sorry for the swears. I'm impassioned.)

I don't know what the lesson of this latest nonsense is. And as much as I like MG's family, I'm terrified that one day the curse will come to his sweet family because what if the problems and dysfunction of my family eventually surface in his?

The really good thing I have to focus on, though, and the light in all of this drama is MG. Just like with my best friend/sister, I can create my own family. Not a movie family, it will still be an imperfect family, but hopefully one that loves and forgives and perseveres. The exciting thing about beginning a new chapter in your life is the optimism and hope that comes with it. After all, I am lucky. I am blessed. And no matter if it's raining, I am still in the middle of an incredible miracle.

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