Thursday, September 27, 2007

Alone, Alone, Alone.

Oh man do I ever have the blues. Can I just rant a little here? Great, thanks.

I am so lonely. The reason they say that loneliness is the human condition is because it is such a pervasive part of life. It's something you can feel in a room crowded with people or at home alone on your bed like I am tonight. It's not a feeling that you experience all the time, thankfully or I don't know how I'd survive, but it certainly seems to surface rather frequently. I wonder if part of that is because my life changes so often. I'm not really stable yet or settled down. But really, when is life ever really stable? I think that by the time you realize that things are stable, something changes around.

So here I am. In this town I've never really liked. Living alone. Spending all my time either sleeping or studying. Not only do I not see the few friends I have here that often, but I don't even talk to my friends who are far away that often. It makes me feel like a rotten friend and an awful person, truth be told. But my day is spent either in class, preparing for class or sleeping. It's a sad, lonely existence.

I log onto MySpace every day just to see pictures of my friends. It's becoming a bad habit, really, because it usually just ends up bumming me out. I have good friends in DC. It's a great town. I had an awesome apartment in the best neighborhood the District has to offer. Not only are two of my best friends in the world there, but now I have a boyfriend there too. Lucky for me he's dedicated to seeing me as often as possible, but that also makes me lonely. I love him to bits, and I'm so grateful that even though we're far apart, we see each other regularly. But I miss my friends too. I want my friends. I want a night at the Mug. And a night on Wendy's couch. I even miss that crazy cross-eyed waitress at the Black Rooster. And every damn thing about Capitol Hill.

I remember when I was younger, I was confused about something I heard at youth group. They kept saying over and over that all you need is God. God should be the absolute most important person in your life and He can sustain you alone. He should be above all the other people in our lives and we need only Him and no one else. Heavy stuff for a kid to understand really so no wonder I had questions. I asked a Sunday School teacher what all of that meant. I told her that maybe it was a sin, but I needed other people. She smiled and told me that was ok, that God never intended for us to be happy and satisfied living alone secluded in a cave somewhere. She said that God put people in our lives for good reasons and that He meant for people to help each other through life. That no one was meant to make it all on their own.

It was comforting at the time, but since then, I've realized that I really am just one of those people who need other people a lot. I need them. I'm not good if I spend too much time alone. I'm not productive or happy. I'm distracted and vacant-feeling like someone's turned off the lights.

Hmph. Everything is temporary, he said. This is tough, but I will make it through. Thank God I have pictures. And thank God for cell phones too.

Thursday, September 6, 2007


When I was in high school, my friend Laura Goss got dumped by Ryan...something-or-other. She was practically inconsolable. We were sitting in the school parking lot in her car after school. And she was going on and on about how he was the love of her life, they were going to get married, she'll never meet anyone, boo hoo. (Wish I could tell Laura at 16 how much fun she was having out in Buckhead a few years ago at her bachelorette party!) I did my best to comfort her, and then, in an attempt to make her laugh, I pointed at a license plate that said - "ITLBOK." We laughed. It'll bock. Then we realized it said - "It'll be ok." - and we went to TCBY.

A few weeks ago, I started making a mix for a friend (sorry I haven't mailed it yet, E, but I will this week! promise!). It ended up being so full of songs that it's now my favorite playlist on ITunes. It's a compilation of songs that make me feel like everything is going to be alright. No wonder I've been listening to it a lot, right?

59 songs, in fact, and that in itself should make me feel better. Lots of positive messages out there in the universe to be grasped hold of. But if that's true, then why is it that we keep replaying the negative ones? Why do we listen to hurtful things that people have said to us and forget all the encouragement and love others have given?

Don't worry up your mind.
People are sick and mean sometimes.
They're only words.
They're only words.

I don't know why, when I have so many great things going for me, I think about all the people who have left me or hurt me more than the ones who love me and have stuck with me through good times and bad. I don't know why we let another person's problems affect us so deeply. And that's all it is sometimes. Like Ryan says. People are sick and mean sometimes. No amount of analyzing on my part is going to help me understand why some people just shit all over others to make themselves feel better. So why then do I spend so much time trying?

Get up, get out.
Get away from these liars.
Cuz they don't get your soul or your fire.

I don't know why we cling to the negative. Maybe we think that if we can just understand why and what happened, we can somehow reverse the damage. Of course, we can't. And thinking about something too much just seems to reinforce that damage and give it a greater power over us. When we're hurt, it's hard to think about anything else but the pain that we feel. If someone says something hurtful to me, I take that hurt in and let it walk around for awhile. Letting it stop at every insecurity I have, every mistake I ever made and find a way to squeeze itself into those memories. Ultimately, though, the positive has to win out.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

The positive is stronger than the negative and after many sleepless nights, something will happen that uplifts us and we'll remember again that life has more love than pain, more good than bad. All it takes is time. I look back now at the most painful things that have happened in my life, and while some left scars I will never forget, almost all of them no longer have control over me. Of course, life is a cycle so while those things don't twist my stomach into knots anymore...other things do but will hopefully rotate out soon.

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here

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