tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18411038760549664292024-02-07T19:10:43.768-05:00She Is AnywayLife shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.Penny Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09782279930764359799noreply@blogger.comBlogger243125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841103876054966429.post-73823565900238799832011-09-12T22:48:00.013-04:002011-09-12T23:24:23.519-04:00New Balance.My grandfather was a Republican. A loud and proud Republican. Every time he saw a baby, he would shake its little fingers and tell it, "Say 'I'm a Republican!'" Because of this, he collected elephants. There are dozens of elephants of all shapes and sizes in his house.<br /><br />Two years after we lost him, my mom persuaded me to take something from his home. My cousins had taken furniture, my aunt had too, but for so long, I just couldn't do it. It felt so real, so wrong to take something that was his. It meant he was really gone, but it was also about respect for his authority. He was so strong, our leader, always commanded respect. I knew immediately what I wanted - his desk. I wanted to finish my PhD on his desk. It was a way to show respect for how he inspired me and provided me with opportunities and encouragement, and it was a way to involve him in this process I know would make him so proud.<br /><br />On top of the desk, there was a pair of book ends. They were elephants.<br /><br />I almost didn't take them, he hated that I wasn't a Republican, but they were him - he loved elephants. For all my life, every time I saw an elephant, I thought of him. So I took them, and they sit on the bookcase in my bedroom.<br /><br />In India, the elephant is sacred. Because of its shape and strength, the elephant symbolizes the stronghold, the foundation that everything is built on. Sometimes, they put elephants at the base of temples in India so that it looks like the elephants actually are supporting the structure, as if the elephant is strong enough to uphold the weight of a large stone temple.<br /><br />That fits my grandfather too.<br /><br /><img src="http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/skovoroda/skovoroda0910/skovoroda091000003/5720662-indian-elephant-sculpture.jpg" height=500 width=350/><br /><br />Another way they understand the elephant in India is the Ganesha - the figure of a human body with the head of an elephant. That symbol brings good things, it is called the Lord of Beginnings and Lord of Obstacles - because he removes all obstacles and imparts his wisdom.<br /><br />All of these things, I could use a bit more of.<br /><br />I've been out of whack for awhile now. The drama with the unhappy people got me down, the wedding planning drama, fear of failure, fear of starting my dissertation and failing.<br /><br />A friend of mine very astutely told me once that I am a sponge, I soak up all the emotions that are near me. I think about that often because it is so very true, painfully so. But it's not just emotions that I soak up. I soak up whatever I'm swimming in at the moment, whatever is around me - emotions, yes, but also circumstances, geography, pressures, anything. Mostly negative because the positive can be so hard to hold onto.<br /><br />I'm not sure sponge is right, but I am malleable. I'm flexible. I know someone who is always so sure of things, so certain that she's right that she is unwavering. Even in little things, which I find so amusing. I was thinking today of a conversation we had once when we were talking about an author, and I reminded her that we talked about her latest book. She definitely said, "No, we didn't. We didn't talk about it." It struck me as so odd, so funny really. I forget things all the time so when someone mentions a conversation I don't remember, I just laugh and assume it's my faulty memory. I'm flexible.<br /><br />My opinions about things or habits can sometimes be flexible too. I just feel like I'm constantly trying to bend myself to suit someone else. Not because they're demanding it, but because I'm accommodating.<br /><br />I need, rather, to be balanced. To be secure and strong. Not in the little things, which don't add up to much, but in my way of life. I need to remove obstacles in my path, yes, but I am my own obstacle. I get in my own way all of the time. I'm afraid of failing so I don't start. I feel everyone else's emotions so strongly that I lose hold of my own. I need to live a balanced life, and I need to be less indulgent. I'm in a moment of turmoil so I indulge myself, but I'm also being indulgent in my obsessions and by insisting on swimming in turmoil for as long as I can tread water. If I stop feeling everyone else, maybe I can be myself again.<br /><br />I need an elephant.<br /><br />So this is my public promise to you, my friends, and to you, kind strangers who happened upon me today, I will find a way to stand firm in the moment and live life as I see fit. I will find my balance. I will find my stronghold. Day by day, moment by moment. This is only one of many beginnings. Let's see if I can finally get it right.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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<br />We did it!!!
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<br />I've never posted a picture of myself on this blog before...but I just couldn't help myself. The wedding was a crazy blur, but at the end of it, I have the most amazing man as my partner and love for life. He's more than I ever hoped for or even thought existed. My cup truly overflows.
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<br />This weekend, we're going to Brussels because why not? Life together is always an adventure!
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<br />"At its heart, this is the story of two people who met by chance, fell in love and defied the odds to travel the world and follow their dreams."
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<br />Oh, and I just have to tell you, my favorite part of the day was going out to a bar downtown after the reception. There was a Prince cover band, and we got on stage and danced! And I sang with the band! Far from the microphone, but still, very fun. The party never stops!
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<br />I promise to write more soon. :)
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Another girl I grew up with had her first baby a few months ago, another just had her second, and another spent the past two years living in London and traveling through Europe with her wonderful husband. These are girls that I used to play "Power Princess" with, roll houses with, and daydream about what our husband would be like, what our lives would be like as grown-ups.<br /><br />I have friends who became doctors, lawyers, academics, and when you take a moment and look back at it all, it's amazing to see how it all came together, how we got here from there. Nothing is more humbling or awe-inspiring than to truly know someone and watch their evolution.<br /><br />Of course, some friends I've lost touch with, but it's always fun to hear what happened to them. Facebook is great for that, right? I've re-connected with a few friends and now see pictures and updates about their children and careers. It's very cool.<br /><br />Recently, I visited an old friend in LA and got to meet the love of his life, and I got it immediately - they fit together like they really were made for each other. He's in grad school now and wants to teach public speaking, he's teaching a group of high schoolers now in an after school program. Crazy that the guy who used to steal booster seats from fast food restaurants is now shaping the minds of America's youth! And another friend of ours from high school is on a show on the Disney Channel! The guy who used to tell the dirtiest jokes I've ever heard is on a show for kids!<br /><br />Last night, MG and I went to a small concert with some friends. Oddly, and for the first time in years, I saw the Asshole Ex-Boyfriend. I caught him out of the corner of my eye a couple times, but he ducked and dodged, and then I got a good enough look to tell that yes, it was him. He looked awful. Shorter and fatter than I remember, with a frumpy girl with cheap highlights. The worst, though, was that he looked so dull and ordinary. I guess we're all ordinary, but seeing him was just so jarring - this was the guy that I loved so much I let him treat me like shit for years? Really? It's like learning that monster you were afraid of for so many years was just a shadow in your closet.<br /><br />I don't know what his life is like, I imagine he still talks about leaving a job he'll never have the guts to leave or starting a business he'll never start or moving to a town he'll never move to. Maybe he's happy, I hope he is, and in fact, I'm sure he is, but it's so incredible to see how people's lives turned out just the way they wanted that it is sad if anyone's life isn't what they want it to be. I hope he's happy and changed. And I'm happy I don't have a clue.<br /><br />After the show, we went up to talk to a friend who got heckled by the musician because he knows her. We teased her because he kept telling her she wasn't singing or smiling enough. She's one of those people that always knew what they wanted, what they were good at, and made the life she imagined. Really cool girl.<br /><br />And I also saw a friend from high school. Probably the nicest person I've ever met. I haven't seen him in close to fifteen years, but as soon as we saw each other, we remembered that old friendship and the fun times we had immediately. He lives in LA now and was at the show because he's the promotions director for the record label. In high school, I remembered we both loved The Counting Crows. It seemed like almost every week, he'd come to school wearing a shirt from one of their concerts. So inspiring to see someone who always wanted to work in music made that dream come true.<br /><br />I think everyone in my life, past and present, is inspiring. There are people and stories we remember as morality tales, reminding us to always buckle our seatbelt so we don't have a bad car crash like that one friend, to work hard and try hard unlike our friend who dropped out of college and works at the mall, to love with all our heart and cherish our partner because we know that couple in the bad marriage or the guy who got left at the altar.<br /><br />I always focus on the good things, there is so much good, and there certainly are a lot of people in my life who've overcome so much, who accomplished what they set out to do, who are living their dreams - there are those who teach us how not to live and those who inspire us to live more like them. I hope I am a part of the latter because I truly am blessed and surrounded by many who are. God bless good friends! Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other gold!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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That was the situation with this guy.</div><div><br /></div><div>I broke up with The X a week or two before I met Captain Confidence (a friend named him that a couple years ago...you'll see why). And we'd been dating off and on for three years. It was the most serious relationship I'd ever had at that point and the only time I'd been in love. No way was I over it. I just happened to be in a different city for my rebound.</div><div><br /></div><div>Captain Confidence was just that - confident. And confidence is sexy, man. He was confident but not at all in a dick way. It was actually more awkward, he took himself very seriously, and suffice it to say, it was cute and it worked. He looked at me like I was a Christmas tree all lit up, exactly what a girl needs to get over a break-up.</div><div><br /></div><div>He was fun, never asked me anything about myself so it was easy to keep things light. We had so much flippin' fun, lots of laughs and one great date (GREAT!) that ended with a walk through downtown DC to the Capitol building. We dated for 3 weeks, I think it was, 4 maybe? Not long. Ha. About half a second compared to the mucho-serious relationship I had just ended. </div><div><br /></div><div>The other thing going on with me that summer was that I knew my grandfather had only a few months left to live. I knew I was going to spend a lot of time with him at the end and that things were about to get tougher than anything I'd ever dealt with. So I basked in that fun, I soaked it up because I knew every moment was like the ticking of a timebomb, every second was a tick-tock closer to something really hard and awful.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've heard some pretty hilarious things from guys in my life. A guy broke up with me when I was 15 because he said he wanted "to date the whole world." Some too-cool-for-school guy at a party in New York once told me my "soul is real." Whatever that means, it's not a good pickup line, and it didn't work.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I left DC that summer, I knew things weren't going anywhere with Captain Confidence because, of course, I knew all along they weren't - that's exactly the beauty of light and fun. But I really liked him as a person and hoped we'd be good friends. Anyway, as we were saying goodbye the morning I left, he told me, "I'll make a concerted effort to email you." It was on this quote board my guy friends have in Atlanta that same night...where it stayed until this past November because they had a party and I erased it. Guess they liked that one. (It is pretty funny!)</div><div><br /></div><div>Needless to say, we kept in contact, you know, through concerted efforts and all. It was actualy great to have him to talk to sometimes because I knew he didn't know me well at all, and for some reason, when I was mourning my grandfather, that was comforting. It felt like an escape. Like a good conversation with a stranger at a bar. He didn't know me so he didn't know how bad I was hurting or how it impacted and changed me, which allowed me to forget all of that for a brief time. We just shared some small talk every now and then.</div><div><br /></div><div>But, like these things often do, it all blew up in my face. I was going up to DC for Halloween and invited him out with my friends. He was wishy-washy, and then just stopped responding so I got annoyed and sent him a terse email...which opened the floodgates. Evidently, all the time I thought we were friends, he thought I was super into him and was just tolerating my advances. It's not like I was blowing up the guy's phone with texts and calls - I'm scared of commitment, my crazy is on the other end of that spectrum.</div><div><br /></div><div>But apparently, all it took to give him this impression was to email once a week or once every other week. What else could that mean but that I wanted him baaad? He said he couldn't meet me out because he was dating a new girl and couldn't make out with me which is what I, of course, wanted. And he couldn't introduce her to me because I would be wearing a "sexy" costume...also I guess that meant I wanted him? </div><div><br /></div><div>That email earned him the Captain Confidence nickname because I forwarded it to one of my friends. I know it sounds snarky to forward an email, but I was sincerely confused and wanted to understand what I did wrong. Instead of getting advice, I got laughter and lots of, "It's not you - it's him!" She thought it was hilarious and showed it to her husband, who said he sounded like the most confident person in the world, i.e. Captain Confidence. </div><div><br /></div><div>Again, I couldn't say, "Dude, you're not that awesome," so I just told him the truth - I thought we were friends, I want to be friends, I don't have feelings for you. But it's pretty hard to convince someone you're not into them when they think you are. And things were awkward after that. If I email him, will he think it's because I find him irresistible? If I don't email him, will he think it's because I find him irresistible? If I tell him I'm dating someone, will he think I invented a fictional boyfriend to make him jealous? It all just got too ridiculous, and like I said, it's not like he knew me well anyway so I just stopped making a concerted effort to email.</div><div><br /></div><div>The thing is, he really was a great guy. Kind and smart, all good things. We never built that friendship, but I did get a few good stories and a great new line to use. "I'll make a concerted effort to email you." I did say he looked like McFee from NCIS! Doesn't it sound like something he would say? McGee? </div><div><br /></div><div>But besides giving me a few laughs, he served an important purpose at a very difficult time in my life. He helped me get over The X and gave a tiny escape from the hell of mourning. Sometimes people come into our world at certain times for certain purposes. And sometimes they leave our world because that purpose is complete. All we can expect from anyone during the brief moment they're in our lives is a concerted effort, right? </div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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We started at Atkins Park in the Highlands, and I got there about ten minutes before she arrived. Some fratastic guy with a popped collar kept staring at me, and actually started to say something to me, but I gave him my best stink-eye and he scurried away to hit on a prissy Georgia girl. Phew.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lala shows up and immediately gets hit on while she's trying to get us beers. Of course, that guy had a googly-eyed friend who wanted to talk to me. Dude had a toupee. A bad one. <a href="http://pennyheadsup.blogspot.com/2008/07/best-wing-woman-ev-er.html">Ah, I hate being a good wingwoman, but I am the best.</a></div><div><br /></div><div>When we get our beers, we walk away like bitches who can't be bothered.</div><div><br /></div><div>We hang out, drink a few beers, and in an hour, Lala is slurring her words like Keith Richards after he fell out of that coconut tree. A guy she's been seeing starts texting, begging us to meet him and his buddies in Buckhead. Buckhead might as well be called Doucheville it's so full of d-bags, floppy haired guys with croakies and Georgia girls in dresses too fancy for Miller Lite. But again, I am the best wingwoman so I offer to drive. </div><div><br /></div><div>Lala insists that we take a shot for the road so I ask the bartender for one shot of Vodka-Red Bull and one shot of just Red Bull to fool my friend with. I am also a good designated driver.</div><div><br /></div><div>On our drive, I watch as the vodka has its way with my friend. The slurring turns to screaming and wooing. She loves my boyfriend, as everyone does because he's the nicest person on the planet, and insists we call him. It's midnight, and after a long day of golf, poker and beer, I'm certain he's either passed out or on his way. She grabs my phone and leaves him a voicemail full of things like: "awe-sommmmmmmme!" "beeeeeeeeer!" and "woooooooooooooo!" </div><div><br /></div><div>We take a back way that winds us near where the Awful Ex used to live, and I mention that I dated an asshole who used to live nearby. She asks why he was an asshole, because while we've been friends for about 4 years, she didn't know me when I dated him. I tell a couple quick stories of his general shittiness, and the vodka in her gets mad. "Nooooooooo way! That guy sucks and you're awesommmmme." I laugh, and then she asks his name. </div><div><br /></div><div>Foolishly, I tell her, and she punches it in on her iPhone. Oh, Apple, how much drunk drama have you caused with that contraption? She tells me she wants to find him on Facebook so she can send him a message that she thinks he's way hot and wants to hook up with him. She says it'll be the most hilarious thing ever. At this point, superlatives are the only way she's describing things. Everything and everyone is the most ______ ever. I wish I had drunk enthusiasm when I sat down to write papers.</div><div><br /></div><div>I laugh while saying, "No, please don't, we don't even talk anymore." She insists that she can be "covert" though in her drunkenness says "co-ver." She shouts, "I found him! I found him!" and shows me a picture of some guy who looks Mexican. I laugh and say that's not him, and she asks me why I don't like Mexicans. The next picture she finds is of a guy getting dry humped by a girl. Also not the asshole. Thankfully, the guy we're meeting texts, and she has something else to fixate her Vodka-Red Bull energy on. </div><div><br /></div><div>We walk into the bar, see her guy (Air Force cuz he used to be in it), and he buys us beers. Air Force says something about his chin dimple, and I tell him I like it, it makes him look like Buzz Lightyear. Within five minutes Lala falls off the bar stool. Not on the ground, just onto someone. It happens three more times before we leave, and each time she says the chair is broken. She's so cute and charming even when wasted that I start to get mad at the chair for tipping itself over.</div><div><br /></div><div>We leave around 1:30 because his friends want to go to Hole in the Wall. Hole in the Wall is the cesspool that it sounds like. It's in the basement of a skanky bar and manages to be even skankier. Not to mention it's a good hike, and I'm wearing cute (thus uncomfortable) shoes. As we're walking, Lala tries to talk Air Force into ditching his friends and going to a closer bar with us. She says she knows a bartender. He's thinking it over, and I sing the Georgia Tech fight song to persuade him. He's a Tech fan too, and my rendition wins him over. A drunken stranger walked by and clapped for me so I know it was good. Also, Lala promises he can stay at her place that night, but I'm sure my team spirit made all the difference.</div><div><br /></div><div>We bar hop a little more, never find Lala's bartender friend, and the whole time I'm impressed she's still standing. You know those big balloons that have streamers as arms and legs and walk around the room by themselves? They bob up and down while swaying from side to side. That's what Lala looked like by 2 a.m. She tripped a few times and kicked over a beer bottle at one point and almost got thrown out. Ever resourceful, my fiesty redheaded friend tells the bouncer another girl did it. He raises an eyebrow, but she's too cute to argue with and stumbles past him.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's 2:30 and almost closing time. We're sitting at the bar, and I watch the female bartender fight with a drunk asshole. He's suited up, but his tie is loose and crooked. His shirt has one corner untucked, and he's a hot mess. I hear the bartender say, "No, honey, you have your card. I gave your card back to you." He mumbles something, and she says, "No, see here? These are the receipts. I already charged you so you have your card. See? That's your name? And that's your signature there. See? That's where you didn't tip me." He mumbles again, crumples up the receipt and stumbles a foot or two away. The bartender winks at me and rolls her eyes.</div><div><br /></div><div>A guy behind me asks me what his chances are with taking her home. I say not good because she's hot and drunk guys probably do that every night. He says, "Yeah, but I have a butt chin," and shows it off for me. Buzz Lightyear again! To infinity and beyond! I laugh, telling him he looks like a cartoon. He rolls his eyes laughing and says, "And I have a good sense of humor too, right?" I agree, and he asks the bartender what his chances are at taking her home. She tells him she's married to the guy on the other end of the bar. He shrugs.</div><div><br /></div><div>I make the mistake of thinking he's with The Suit and say, "You know, even if she was single, your buddy here would have ruined your chances because he didn't leave her a tip." He turns to The Suit and says, "You didn't tip her?" The Suit shrugs and says, "Yeah. So what? I don't have to leave a tip." I turn away because Air Force thinks it's time to take our drunken redhead home. I agree, and as I grab my bag, I hear Butt Chin call The Suit a douche bag and hear The Suit tell Butt Chin, "Yeah, well, you like to suck cock. You like dick in your mouth." I'm astounded at his agreement that he is in fact a douchebag while also take offense at his insinuation that there's something wrong with liking to give blowjobs. </div><div><br /></div><div>I ask Butt Chin if they're friends, and both guys get angry at my presumption. They are not friends, they are mortal enemies. Butt Chin is defending the honor of the bartender that rejected him, and The Suit is angry at life in general. As we walk out the door, I see a bouncer try to break them up because they're shouting in each other's faces and shoving each other. I totally started a bar fight.</div><div><br /></div><div>I drive Air Force and Lala back to her condo, but since she passed out in the car, I'm pretty sure he didn't get lucky. Chalk up another point for Alcohol, King of Good Times and Bad.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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Not sure which is worse.<div>The Awful Ex sent me chocolates while he had a girlfriend, told me she didn't challenge him like I did, he didn't feel for her what he felt for me, that I was "the greatest love he'd ever known" (literally sent that in a drunk text), blah, blah, blah...not technically cheating, but it wouldn't make her feel good if she knew about it either.</div><div><br /><div>Recently, a married friend confessed that she still talked to her ex-boyfriend. She said that she searched him online every once in awhile and kept in touch just to get a glimpse of the life she could have had. Not cheating, right? But she also said that her husband had no idea she was still in contact with the ex or even knew anything about his life right now. Is deception cheating?</div><div><br /></div><div>When The BF and I started dating, I was in regular contact with three ex-boyfriends. Now I only talk to one, T, and The BF has met him a few times, we double date with him and his girl every couple months or so. It's nice. He's a super great guy. I've already blogged about why the Awful Ex and I aren't speaking, and that's no big loss.</div><div><br /></div><div>The most recent, X, and I dated off and on for 3 years. It was the most serious relationship, and the best, that I'd had before my current BF. We knew each other so well, we were super close and shared everything. It was hard to bounce back and be good friends again after we broke up last May, but we made efforts. We saw each other a few times, talked on the phone, texted, emailed, albeit never frequently. </div><div><br /></div><div>In February, BF and I were out with friends, and we ran into X and about ten of his friends. I had just talked to X on the phone two weeks before, and everything was cool. I went outside to talk to X and his friends, but he just grunted and walked past me. Two or three of his friends stayed outside with me, catching up, for about 15 or 20 minutes. The entire time X and two girls stood on the sidewalk a block away staring at us. Creepy.</div><div><br /></div><div>I hadn't told X that I was dating someone because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and only wanted to tell him once it was serious, which had just happened. But he hadn't told me he was dating anyone either, and evidently one of the two girls on the sidewalk with him that night was his girlfriend. A couple months later, they moved in together so I assume it had been serious for awhile. I was the one that ended things, and he actually cried when I broke up with him, so I feel like I had good reason to be concerned about him getting hurt. Not sure why he didn't tell me, but ah well.</div><div><br /></div><div>After that, we emailed a little bit, but then in May, I went to a friend's birthday party and he was there with his girlfriend. He acted like we were strangers. And since then, he's emailed and texted again like things are fine, but I don't get it. I didn't respond the last time. I want to be friends, but friends don't ignore each other in public. Maybe he doesn't want his girlfriend to know we're friends? Maybe she feels uncomfortable around me and that's why he ignores me? </div><div><br /></div><div>Either way, it's weird and sad. I really miss being friends with him. I miss talking to him and goofing off. That's breaking up, I know, but I still miss him. The thing is that there weren't a million things wrong with him or with us as a couple, there were just a few. A few big things, but in so many ways, we were compatible. I've thought about emailing him, asking what's all this been about, telling him I still care about him and want to be friends. I feel guilty, but every once in awhile, I find myself comparing X and BF, thinking, "Well, X did that with me," or "X liked ______, I wish BF did."</div><div><br /></div><div>Is it cheating? No. Would emailing him be? Or restarting our friendship? No. But still maybe a grey area too, and as icked out as I was when my friend told me she still talks to her ex without her husband's knowledge, I want to stay out of grey areas. I want to make a clean break from the past, I don't want to take any steps backward, I only want to step forward into my future.</div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript">
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