Monday, December 29, 2008

Letting Love In

Oh dear. I'm sorry I disappeared on y'all. I went home for awhile and have also been completely swept away by this new guy. It's the weirdest thing. I can't find anything wrong with him.

I always find something wrong. I excel at it. On the first date, I usually notice a few things I don't like about the guy or see warning signs of future problems or incompatibility. But with this one, nada. Nothing.

It freaked me out at first because, let's be honest, I excel at that too. But then I talked to a few friends who, between violent outbursts, shocked some sense into me. They said, "Let love in. Don't question it, just go with it." And so I have.

I am beyond smitten. When he kisses me, I feel it all over. In my heart, in my stomach, in my...girlie parts...hee hee. His smile makes me smile. His voice makes me giddy. His undivided attention on me feels like a spotlight and a standing ovation. And he's just so darn sweet. We have soooo much in common it's ridiculous, and I've already noticed ways that our differences compliment each other. This is so big it's totally new. 2009 might just be a good year.

Friday, December 12, 2008


This has been a great week. I made it through and actually finished my papers. May have even kicked their little paper asses. And had two GREAT dates with a GREAT guy!

I actually like him. He's so sweet and cute and fun. The dates were so good, I never wanted them to end aw. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think this one really has potential. He seems mature and...just different from the others...I don't know. Maybe I'm different. But I never would have expected this in a million years. A million!

Fingers crossed!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Come Hither, Crazy Creepazoids.

There is something about me that screams, "Crazy guys! Come here!" I am some kind of homing beacon for emotionally unstable men. It's amusing, yet also disturbing.

So many funny things happened this weekend that I will post about soon. I've been in Nashville with my mom, aunt and cousin. A girls' trip for Mom's 60th birthday. Last night, we went to Tootsie's to celebrate, and I met the sweetest, cutest guy. He looked exactly like Balthazar Getty with the same piercing blue eyes, but younger and without the gray hair. Dream-y! But also craz-y.

I gave him my phone number at 11:12 pm. He called once at 11:44 pm, and again at 12:07 am. Left two crazy messages.

Message #1: "Penny. Hey. I had fun tonight, glad we met. I miss you."

Message #2: "Pen-ny. Your message says you'll call me right back, but you haven't called. Call me."

I am a freak magnet.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

We Make Our Own Choices.

We need help. We need support. Otherwise we're in it by ourselves. Strangers. Cut off from each other. And we forget just how connected we all are. So instead, we choose love. We choose life. And, for a moment, we feel just a little bit less alone.
- Grey's Anatomy

I've been seeing a therapist, and it helps to have someone to talk to about everything. I don't know what it is, but when you lose someone important to you, someone close to you, you feel more alone than you've ever felt. I feel lost. And displaced. And anxious.

She told me yesterday that I'm too closed off. She said I need to open up more and let people in. She said it's a wall preventing me from moving through the grieving process.

I have a lot of love in my little life. I am blessed with incredible, supportive, encouraging friends. And an amazing mother who loves me more than I can imagine. I have people I could talk to. I just don't. I don't want to be a burden. My friends have husbands and jobs and lives to live. My mom has her own grief and her own way of moving through it.

I used to have someone, and now I don't. For three years, I talked to X about everything. He was my person. And I know it's silly, I know it's wrong and doesn't make logical sense, I know that these things just happen, they're not always in our control. But I had that person, my person, and I lost him. It wasn't enough and it wasn't right, but I still blame myself.

I don't want to be vulnerable. But I don't want to shut down forever either. The choice is mine to make. So I'm choosing love, and I'm choosing life, and I'm going to start talking more. I have to choose life. My daddy would want that for me. He was my daddy, you see. And he wasn't a quitter, he wouldn't want me to just give up. I choose love, and I choose life - for him.

* Sorry for another serious post, I'll be more fun again soon. :)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Keep Pushin'

Ugh. I've been so stressed lately and just in an all-around bad mood. I think it started when I was sick, then the holidays were sad because our family lost two important people this fall, and now finals are bumming me out. Thankfully, a break is coming soon, and I plan to use that time to recuperate and rejuvenate.

The past couple of months, I've been creating a kickass playlist. I read a book a few years ago that challenged women to try to only listen to music by female musicians. I'm trying it out, and it's really empowering.

Here are a few good ones from that list. I hope you'll find some of these songs as uplifting as I do.

1. Nikka Costa - "Keep Pushin'"

This is one of my favorite artists lately.

I'm holdin' steady
Goin' bout my business, I'll wait till they're ready
Keeping my truth in whatever I do
Makin' sure the light inside of me
Still shines through

2. Julie Roberts - "Break Down Here"

I miss X. Now more than ever. He'd know what to do.

I'd sure hate to break down here
Nothin up ahead or in the rearview mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin
So God help me keep me movin somehow
Dont let me start wishin I was with him now
I made it this far without cryin a single tear
And I'd sure hate to break down here.

3. Alissa Moreno - "Wildfires"

though i've been crushed, i've been killed
i am scared, but god, i will
keep on trudging up this crazy hill

we survive, we get by
we take those hits
and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires

5. Sia - "Breathe Me"

The music in this song is what makes it so powerful and so beautiful.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

6. Adrianne - "10,000 Stones"

10,000 stones hanging deep in my heart
No, I don`t know how they don`t tear me apart
How could I ever believe
10,000 stones would save the fool in me
10,000 stones would be a strange blessing
10,000 stones would build the best of me

7. Holly Williams - "Sometimes"

I wish I were an old man, a scholar
With the wisdom of a 1,000 men before me
wish I were a funny dream that haunted
The people I love every time they were down

I wish I was a fine wine
I wish I were a good drug
Hey and if I were Jesus , maybe I could heal all of us
Just like a good lover, which one do you prefer?
In a world full of vices, I wish I were a little bird

8. Missy Higgins - "Steer"

So hold this feeling like a newborn
Of freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and rain

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been played at a game called remembering your name
And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

9. Grace Potter and the Nocturnals - "Treat Me Right"

I love the blues, and I love this band because their sound is bluesy. Do you ever hear a song and almost wish you had a broken heart just so you'd feel the song more? I wish I had this song after a few of my bad break-ups. It'd be a good salve for a broken heart.

C'mon, C'mon, C'mon you've got to treat me right
All the time, squeeze me like a key lime
C'mon, C'mon, C'mon you've got to quit the fight and fall into the night

Treat me right and don't you do me wrong
Play for keeps don't just play along
O will give you all the love I got

10. Charlotte Martin - "Beautiful Life"

I love the piano.

So swim to the end of the river
Until there's no shiver left in your spine
Live like there won't be tomorrow
See through your sorrow
See through your own eyes
Try to remember these days down the road
And try to remember this time

The sun may come up and go down again
I'll still swear it's a beautiful life

11. Idina Menzel - "I Stand"

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.

I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

12. Maxwell - "This Woman's Work"

This is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It's lifted my spirits for a long time now.

I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said that we never said
All the things we should have done that we never did

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Boo. School is for Foolz!

I have been sucked into the black hole abyss that is "finals time." I have papers to write, papers to grade, a final exam to write and administer and after that, exams and more papers to grade. Poor little me. Somehow it's already nine o'clock. Ruh roh, Shaggy.

I'm taking a break before my brain implodes and writing a much overdue blog. And as all my creativity is draining out of me minute by minute, I'm copying At Least I'm Skinny. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Pray for me, little angels. Mama needs A's. And her life back.

Mood: Oh geez, stressed to the mizz-ax. If I knew how to use morse code, I'd be sending everyone I know S.O.S. messages right about now.

Mascara: Maybelline Great Lash. Black. Waterproof. FTW.

Last movie I watched: I'm embarrassed to say that I saw Transporter 3 on Thanksgiving with my family. I never even saw 1 or 2, but the plot was simple enough that it wasn't tough to keep up. It's basically an Audi commercial with lots of fighting and stunts so fantasical you laugh out loud and choke on your Diet Coke.

Lipgloss or Lipstick: Depends on where I'm going and what I'm doing. Usually lipstick for the evening, and lipgloss for everyday activities.

Outfit: Not sure it deserves denotation as an actual "outfit," but it's a t-shirt and old running shorts. Hot.

Shoes: White puffy slippers with rhinestone crowns. I'm a pretty princess. Thanks, E!

Blush: Bobby Brown. I was so disappointed the day I learned the make-up has no affiliation with the singer. "It's My Prerogative" will forever be a classic. Ha actually, when I think about Bobby, I'll always remember being a guest on the DC morning radio show the same day they argued with him about whether or not they paid his bail to get his deadbeat dad ass outta jail.

Eyeliner: Speaking of Bobby Brown (the make-up, not the deadbeat dad), I am in love with their gel eyeliner. It's a God-send and seriously the best cosmetic I own. It's waterproof and actually stays on without leaving droopy residue or greasy smudges. I highly recommend it.

Breakfast beverage: Life without coffee isn't worth living. (Z, I can't find Pete's anywhere! When I visit, you've gotta tell me where I can pick some up!)

Goals for the week: Finishing all the shit I have to do without losing my everloving mind.

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