Thursday, December 4, 2008

We Make Our Own Choices.

We need help. We need support. Otherwise we're in it by ourselves. Strangers. Cut off from each other. And we forget just how connected we all are. So instead, we choose love. We choose life. And, for a moment, we feel just a little bit less alone.
- Grey's Anatomy

I've been seeing a therapist, and it helps to have someone to talk to about everything. I don't know what it is, but when you lose someone important to you, someone close to you, you feel more alone than you've ever felt. I feel lost. And displaced. And anxious.

She told me yesterday that I'm too closed off. She said I need to open up more and let people in. She said it's a wall preventing me from moving through the grieving process.

I have a lot of love in my little life. I am blessed with incredible, supportive, encouraging friends. And an amazing mother who loves me more than I can imagine. I have people I could talk to. I just don't. I don't want to be a burden. My friends have husbands and jobs and lives to live. My mom has her own grief and her own way of moving through it.

I used to have someone, and now I don't. For three years, I talked to X about everything. He was my person. And I know it's silly, I know it's wrong and doesn't make logical sense, I know that these things just happen, they're not always in our control. But I had that person, my person, and I lost him. It wasn't enough and it wasn't right, but I still blame myself.

I don't want to be vulnerable. But I don't want to shut down forever either. The choice is mine to make. So I'm choosing love, and I'm choosing life, and I'm going to start talking more. I have to choose life. My daddy would want that for me. He was my daddy, you see. And he wasn't a quitter, he wouldn't want me to just give up. I choose love, and I choose life - for him.

* Sorry for another serious post, I'll be more fun again soon. :)


Anonymous said...

I know what you mean, feeling alone though you're really not in the struggle that is grief...

Anonymous said...

I found it really helpful to see my councellor, just to deal with things and know it's ok to talk about stuff and get upset.

*Just Jen* said...

What a touching post! I am sorry for your loss. I lost someone once as well and saw a therapist who helped me to stop blaming myself. I have the hardest time trusting people, I still need help with that. And I wonder why I am single!? LOL I hope you find it easier to open up soon. Great post!

Unknown said...

You have been added my bloggy friend!

Happy Stalking!
The Blog Stalker

Rebecca Jo said...

Dont apologize... this is a very touching post.... I think its a good reminder to everyone to reach out & love... & live!

Lyla Lou said...

I think that's another reason we blog, when we're scared to open ourselves to real people, it's much easier to do on here=)

Penny Lane said...

Thank you all SO much! This is a good space for me to vent, and I appreciate you reading my little blog and offering support and kindness.

Spirit Vapors said...

Choose to go therapy for whatever reason. The effects will encompass whatever reason you had at first. We don't have to go through hardship alone.

No one knows how hard things are for us, because no one lives in our skin.

Choosing Life is really worth it... I never regretted it... actually, I am soo happy I chose Life... every time I did.

Melissa Blake said...

I felt like you were reading my mind with this post. I lost someone very special to me 5 years ago and those were the exact same feelings I had. I saw a therapist too, so good for you for making the first step!

Good luck!

At least I'm skinny said...

My ex-boyfriend is my person and I can't imagine not having him around though to talk to about things. He's my best friend.

I do know that I missed him so much right after we broke up because I felt like I lost the only person who really understood me. I'm so lucky that I was able to keep my person (even if the relationship is different).

I'm so sorry you lost yours.

I'll keep the faith for both of us that we've got other persons out there waiting to run into us at the library or Jiffy Lube or the Orange Julius or something.

Anonymous said...

Very well said, and I'm glad to read that you went to therapy. When I think of all the years that I just felt "wrong" I think of how much time I wasted that I'll never get back and how much easier it would have been and how much more successful I would have been had I chosen to open up to someone instead of dealing alone.

I'm sure your dad would be proud of you.

mushashii said...

i think you're very brave.

Girl in Carolina said...

I love this post and I love your honesty about life! Everthing you said is so true. It's weird how blogging has helped me open up to things more. I feel connected to people here sometimes more than in "real" life but I think that is because people are more open and honest on their blogs sometimes.

Heart you!

Unknown said...

And yet again...second post in and another thing in common. Tough time of year for me're not alone.
I'm relaly sorry for your loss. Keep your head up.

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