Friday, March 10, 2006

My Fantasy Boyfriend Says...

Everyone has fantasies. I took mine a step farther and now have a photo of George from Grey's Anatomy up in my cubicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But at least I have clean fantasies!

I also have a fantasy boyfriend. All my friends know about him. We always make jokes about it. Like, "Oh, I hope my boyfriend will be out tonight." Or "Is your boyfriend going to the show on Saturday?" It's pathetic, but amusing. This week, I came up with things that my fantasy boyfriend would say to me.

"Who cares about her big, beautiful round breasts? Your tiny ones are the most beautiful in the world. And you have a great ass."

"Good morning, beautiful. Your voice just had to be one of the first sounds of my day."

"Good night, beautiful. Your voice just had to be the last sound I heard before I fell asleep."

"I like that band too! Let's go to their concert!" (because my boyfriend and I have a lot of music fun together.)

"Let's dance!" (he loves to dance.)

"I have a surprise for you, baby! We're going to New York for the weekend! I sure do love it there."

"Go Vols!"

"When do I get to see you again?" (he loves being around me.)

"I love your cooking - everything you make is perfect."

"Anything you want, baby."

"I love going down on you. Can I do it again? I just want to see how many orgasms I can give you!"

"I would set myself on fire for you." (No, I don't want that, but it is the funniest band name I've ever heard.)

::sigh:: Alas, I haven't met my boyfriend yet. We keep missing each other. But doesn't he seem swell?

Aw man, don't judge me! You have fantasies too! And ok, ok, fine. There are two pictures of George from Grey's Anatomy in my cubicle. But he's just so darn funny and nice! And fictional, I know, just like my fantasy boyfriend. Hmph. My fantasy love life is just way better than reality, and at least it's keeping me entertained while I wait.

Thursday, March 9, 2006

Come Pick Me Up

Ryan Adams is a music god. I should start by saying that. His musicianship, his creativity, his lyrics that speak when your heart can't find the words and his ability to morph perfectly into any genre, any sound, any feeling he gets a hankering to shape into a song.

When they call your name,
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?

What do you do? Why is it that it's always so much easier to give into the bad stuff? The good thoughts, the good memories are so much harder to hold onto. There's a lot of good, but the bad is just easier to feel. The good is harder to keep, like it comes in short moments, in fast forward, while the bad seeps into you, chokes your every breath and moves in slow motion.

There's actually not a lot of bad. There are a lot of laughs, so much to be proud of, so much to take in and enjoy. But there's this ghost that's always with me, always haunting. "What's a six letter word for a broken heart?" I'm just "lonely." I miss intimacy. I want intimacy. I want hands holding mine, someone to talk to while I'm riding the subway. More than that, I want arms snug around me and legs tangled in mine while we sleep, and I want to feel wet lips against mine. I want. And that's ok. It's what makes us human, this condition they call loneliness.

And you don't have to give into it. You can smile and dance and laugh. You should and you do. But the fact is, in the darkness, in the silence, you can still feel its breath on the back of your neck.

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