Thursday, September 27, 2007

Alone, Alone, Alone.

Oh man do I ever have the blues. Can I just rant a little here? Great, thanks.

I am so lonely. The reason they say that loneliness is the human condition is because it is such a pervasive part of life. It's something you can feel in a room crowded with people or at home alone on your bed like I am tonight. It's not a feeling that you experience all the time, thankfully or I don't know how I'd survive, but it certainly seems to surface rather frequently. I wonder if part of that is because my life changes so often. I'm not really stable yet or settled down. But really, when is life ever really stable? I think that by the time you realize that things are stable, something changes around.

So here I am. In this town I've never really liked. Living alone. Spending all my time either sleeping or studying. Not only do I not see the few friends I have here that often, but I don't even talk to my friends who are far away that often. It makes me feel like a rotten friend and an awful person, truth be told. But my day is spent either in class, preparing for class or sleeping. It's a sad, lonely existence.

I log onto MySpace every day just to see pictures of my friends. It's becoming a bad habit, really, because it usually just ends up bumming me out. I have good friends in DC. It's a great town. I had an awesome apartment in the best neighborhood the District has to offer. Not only are two of my best friends in the world there, but now I have a boyfriend there too. Lucky for me he's dedicated to seeing me as often as possible, but that also makes me lonely. I love him to bits, and I'm so grateful that even though we're far apart, we see each other regularly. But I miss my friends too. I want my friends. I want a night at the Mug. And a night on Wendy's couch. I even miss that crazy cross-eyed waitress at the Black Rooster. And every damn thing about Capitol Hill.

I remember when I was younger, I was confused about something I heard at youth group. They kept saying over and over that all you need is God. God should be the absolute most important person in your life and He can sustain you alone. He should be above all the other people in our lives and we need only Him and no one else. Heavy stuff for a kid to understand really so no wonder I had questions. I asked a Sunday School teacher what all of that meant. I told her that maybe it was a sin, but I needed other people. She smiled and told me that was ok, that God never intended for us to be happy and satisfied living alone secluded in a cave somewhere. She said that God put people in our lives for good reasons and that He meant for people to help each other through life. That no one was meant to make it all on their own.

It was comforting at the time, but since then, I've realized that I really am just one of those people who need other people a lot. I need them. I'm not good if I spend too much time alone. I'm not productive or happy. I'm distracted and vacant-feeling like someone's turned off the lights.

Hmph. Everything is temporary, he said. This is tough, but I will make it through. Thank God I have pictures. And thank God for cell phones too.


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