Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Red Flag!! Warning!! Alert! Alert!

Last night, I had dinner with a good friend. We laughed a lot. I'm still laughing, in fact. And between the two of us, we've had many many bad dates, failed relationships, failed attempts at relationships, stalkers...you name it. And all of those left us with hilarious stories and clues for the next go-round.

It all started because she was in a relationship recently where there were plenty of red flags just screaming at her, but she ignored them all. I told her not to worry about that because we've all put blinders on at one point or another. We talked about how sometimes the flags have been obvious, like loud blinking sirens, but other times we only noticed them with our 20/20 hindsight. I do it on purpose sometimes. I see the red flags, know what I'm getting into but do it anyway because I want to and then I'm prepared for what happens.

Eventually, we listed the classics, and here's what we put together. I had 1-13 and A wrote 14-26. We make quite a team, and together may actually be able to avoid having loser boyfriends ever again.

Red Flags

1. He doesn't have friends. If no one wants to hang out with this guy, then I shouldn't either.
2. He double fists on a first date. Drunkeness is so not hot.
3. He lies for a living.
4. He doesn't clip his toenails or fingernails. Any man who can't groom himself needs a mommy, not a girlfriend. And honestly, if he can't groom something so visible to others, how does he attend to what's less visible?
5. He picks a fight with a stranger. Anger management much?
6. He professes his love for you or proposes marriage before you've even agreed to have dinner with him. Seriously, what is a first date like after that? Picking out china patterns?
7. He's wearing black sweatpants and a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Trust me, it happened. I'm from Tennessee.
8. He asks you out in a text message...and in fact only communicates via text. Uh...any dude who's too scared to man up couldn't handle a sassy, independent woman like me.
9. He proudly tells you stories about being so drunk he slept on park benches and on a roof in a thunderstorm. This is especially alarming if he's currently consuming alcohol. You worry he's going to sleep on your front stoop.
10. He doesn't like to leave the house. If he has a reason he can't be seen in public, you should probably worry about being alone with him.
11. If he only wants to talk about himself, he's just not that into you. And let's face it, if he's selfish in conversation, he's not gonna be a giver in bed...
12. He cries during the date. I'm all for sensitive men, but I prefer dudes with hairy chests sans sobbing.
13. He doesn't like comedy. Anyone who's against laughter is probably a terrorist.
14. While in the middle of a relationship, he cries, but no tears actually come out.
15. His daily interactions with you seem eerily similar to advice given in a book you picked up once from the sale rack in Borders.
16. He doesn't watch TV. Is he a communist?
17. He claims he doesn't drink, but then gets very excited at the prospect of Belgian beer.
18. When you first meet, he tells you he's from Portland. Upon further conversation months later, you discover he is actually from Atlanta.
19. He hoards boxes of muscle enhancing pills that have previously been taken off the market. He tells you they are not steroids, but you know better.
20. He doesn't know who Paris Hilton is. Seriously, is he a communist?
21. He tells you that he's slept with an absurd amount of people. He is proud of this.
22. He is a Republican.
23. He is a Libertarian.
24. Because he is so high-strung, he honestly needs to smoke pot "to relax." And then he burns down your apartment. Not a fitting punishment for ignoring a red flag, if you ask me.
25. The only thing he does on your first date is tell jokes. Bad jokes.
26. He is noticeably disgusted when you pass a billboard for Dove's real beauty campaign. He prefers fake beauty.


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