Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I Need a Holiday in Spain

Sigh. I’m at home in Tennessee now, and I feel so heavy. There are things happening to my sweet family, messy things, sad things. It’s hard to talk about family sometimes. Especially to people who don’t know your family, and then who does know your family if they’re not in it? I am being the good child. I am trying to take care of everyone and everything and be the glue. But I'm overwhelmed right now and scared. Worried that I can’t fix everything. When I get overwhelmed, I like to get away, and I’ve been planning a big vacation because I know I’ll have earned one soon.

Yes, wherever you go, there you are. But being somewhere far away is like hitting the reset button. There’s a reason people say vacations are refreshing – it’s because they can refresh you.

I haven’t decided yet where I’ll go. Or when. It’s especially hard to know when. I like to imagine that as soon as the dust settles, I’ll get in my car and drive. I think a vacation alone would be alright. Drive til I reach the ocean, stay at a cheap motel and collect my thoughts. I also thought I could go to Italy alone. I’ve been a couple of times now, and I’m confident I could hold my own and that it'd be freeing for me. Italy is so calming.

When I think about going to Europe, I think about Barcelona. I was there once, but just for a short day, a few hours really, and that’s not enough. It was like a chance meeting that you can’t get out of your mind. I fell in love in those few hours and need to go back to start a relationship with that city. I mentioned to a friend a few months ago that we should go this summer, but then life happened and plans changed. I don’t think I’d want to go to Barcelona alone, and really, who would just pick up and travel with me to Spain for a week? Or forever. Ha. Barcelona would be a trip to plan, and one I’d rather take with a friend who’s fluent in Spanish probably so that narrows it down even more.

Escaping somewhere warm and tropical is enticing too and will probably be the winner. A mini-road trip solo is tempting and not out of the question, but I think I need a big trip too. Tropical would be relaxing and rejuvenating. And I could go on a moment’s notice. I’ve already decided I’d book the hotel and pay for it for a friend who could hop on a plane to meet me. That’s another one I couldn’t do alone. Who would stuff the lime down in my Corona?

I’m glad I’m not the kind of person who runs when things get hard. I’m just the person who needs to run once the rough patch has been weathered through.

When I think about being here in Knoxville after he dies, when I think about seeing my mom and my aunt so broken, and what I could do and how I can help…I think about all of that, but I can’t imagine how I’ll feel or who’ll take care of me. Spain, Italy, Cabo. They could take care of me. I’ve always been one who attaches herself to places. There are a few cities who occupy a piece of my heart, and a quick trip to one can always chase the blues away. A week or more in DC in August, as many days as possible in New York in September…that will help keep me sane, but I’ll need something bigger and grander to really escape.

I love the Counting Crows. I really love just about all of their songs…and the piano mmm. “Anna Begins” always reminds me you have to take a chance on love, “ColorBlind” makes me want to make love! Ha! Corny, but so true! And “Raining in Baltimore” is good when I need a phone call or a big love or a sunburn. Beautiful lyrics in all their songs, and these are just the serious ones. I like the happy, fun ones a lot too. But for obvious reasons, “Holiday in Spain” has been playing on rotation in my mind for the past two weeks. Leave my wings behind me…

Got no place to go
but there's a girl waiting for me down in Mexico
She's got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin
And if I bring a little music I can fit right in
We've got airplane rides
We got California drowning out the window side
We've got big black cars
And we've got stories how we slept with all the movie stars
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Hop on my choo-choo
I'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit
If you dress me up in pink and white
We may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight
She's my angel
She's a little better than the one that used to be with me
Cause she liked to scream at me
Man, it's a miracle that she's not living up in a tree
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
And fly away to someone new
Everybody's gone
They left the television screaming that the radio's on
Someone stole my shoes
But there's a couple of bananas and a bottle of booze
Oh, well Happy New Year's, baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Flush my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
Fly away to someone new


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