I Want.

We lost our sweet PaMa. Her name was Katherine, and she was married for 65 years. She lost her husband two years ago, and she died late Thursday evening a day shy of the date he passed. They did everything together. She always smiled. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone or a complaint to make. She always laughed and always prayed. Her obituary said, “She taught us how to grow older with dignity and grace.” She was indeed a dignified, graceful woman with a good sense of humor and a kind heart. She was the perfect example.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot these past few days and what a wonderful woman she was. She was 93 and had a good, long, happy life. I don’t know if I’ll get 93 years, but I know what I want out of life. Since I graduated from college, I feel like all I’ve done is look back at past mistakes or heartaches, look forward trying to imagine what I think I should be or my life should be, and in the present moments, I’ve wasted a lot of time worrying and fretting. A lot of the things I’ve worried about really didn’t matter. Of the ones that did, they worked themselves out eventually. Making the most of the time we’ve been given is what matters.

I want…

I want to always laugh loud and be loud and shrug off people who shush me. I am loud, and I like it.

I want to see more sunsets.

I want to keep all my old friends and always make new ones.

I want to read more for fun. I read so much for school it’s exhausting, but I used to love reading. It used to be hard for me to put a book down. I want to re-read Crime and Punishment.

I want to spend more time with my family.

I want to always make my mom proud.

I want to take more bubble baths.

I want to take more chances.

I want to never be afraid to speak up.

I want to forgive myself more easily.

I want my heart to always be open. And to never be afraid to love.

I want to do laundry more often! I always let it pile up, and it’s just awful!

I want to travel.

I want to take better care of my health.

I want more sexy underwear for days that need a little spice!

I want a perfect New York date. I’ve had one planned out for years, and oh is it perfect. I want to show someone why I love that city and why it’s the best city on earth.

I want to be more patient.

I want to read the Bible every day.

I want to watch less TV.

I want a little boy and a little girl one day.

I want to trust my instincts about people. I’m a terrible judge of character because I just like everyone. But sometimes I notice things that I push aside and out of my mind, and I should listen to my gut more often.

I want to enjoy my work.

I want to learn how to make crabcakes.

I want to always see the good.

I want to never let the sun go down on my anger and always talk things out.

I want to exercise more.

I want to save more.

I want to always make sure my loved ones know how loved they are.

I want to always help. And I want to always be at the back of the line so everyone goes before me.

I want to be a good friend.

I want to always try new things.

I want to learn from suffering and heartache. And I want to be thankful every time my heart hurts because something good will come of it.

I want to wake up earlier.

I want to teach my students well.

I want people to always feel good when they’re around me.

I want to be outside more.

I want to find my guy, my partner in crime, and have 65 years of marriage too!

I want to worry less and trust myself more.

I want to always increase and strengthen my faith.

I want to listen better and surround myself with people who challenge me.

I want to walk in the rain and play in the snow.

I want to make more funny stories. And I want to find the funny in every situation. It’s always there – you just have to look and let yourself go.

I want to love well.

I want to leave a mark on this world somehow and do my small part in making it a better place.

I want to hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” and for everyone to say I had a good, long, happy life like sweet PaMa. I want to follow her perfect example.