No Baby For Me! No, No, No.

So my sweet cousin, C, is pregnant. Yay! I’m really excited. I do love little ones. I’m really good with kids, they usually think I’m pretty fun, they’re so curious and it’s exciting watching them learn something for the first time, and I love how sweet and full of love they are…but I just don’t want one. Not now, I mean. Eventually, I will want some little rugrats, but right now, that would be a very bad idea. And scary idea - for me and for Baby!

A few years ago, I broke up with a guy my mom was really pulling for, and she went through a couple weird phases. One was when she was convinced I should marry the guy that sat in front of her at church, whom neither of us even knew. And the other was when she would periodically say random things about wanting a grandchild. They were so surprising and subtle that I would just ignore them, but finally told her, “Hey, Mom, if you really want a grandchild, I could give you one. I mean, I don’t even have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t matter. I’m sure it’d be easy to get pregnant if I tried.” And that shut her up.

My friends are starting to have cute little ones, and now with my cousin getting pregnant, the question of babies does come to mind. But yeah…just don’t want one for awhile. A good friend recently told me she believed that God had children waiting just for her, and I believe she's right. I believe it's all in His timing, but I really just don’t think He wants me to have any now. And after reading this list, you'll agree.

So here’s a list of the top ten reasons why I’d be an absolute rotten parent right now:

1. I sometimes forget to feed my dog or give her water and only remember when she barks at me. I think it’s really bad to forget to feed your baby. Another difference between dogs and babies – you can’t just leave the baby at home when you leave the house. You actually have to take it with you wherever you go. Annoying!

2. I really like shoes! And dammit if those babies don’t need new shoes every two weeks. I’d be real grumpy if I had to keep buying baby shoes and couldn’t get any for me because Baby was going through shoes like we were burning money.

3. I like to get drunk and go to bars, and I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon to get drunk and take your baby to a bar. They have coat checks, but no baby checks for a reason.

4. No spontaneous road trips with baby in tow. Babies can’t live off of Vitamin Water and protein bars for days at a time. And singing loudly to my iPod might wake Baby up. Not to mention how smelly Baby’s diapers would make the car.

5. Speaking of smelly diapers - poop is gross. ‘Nuff said.

6. I haven’t had enough wild animal sex yet. And I think it could be scarring for Baby to walk in on Mommy and Daddy doing something kinky with costumes and props.

7. I scream when I orgasm. Even when I’m trying to be quiet, I know I’m really not all that quiet. And if Baby woke up and started crying, that’d really kill the mood, and I just don’t think I’d be able to get it back after that. Even if Daddy was a harmonica player.

8. Babies don’t like to watch Grey’s Anatomy. In fact, Baby probably wouldn’t be able to shut up for an hour to let Mommy see if Meredith and Derek are gonna work it out.

9. I love going to concerts and always scowl at people who bring babies or toddlers to rock n roll shows. They have tiny, developing ears, and I can’t imagine they’re all that fun to stand or sit next to either. As for me, I’m not ready to give up my rockstar lifestyle just yet. And I plan to dye my hair pink one more time before I really settle down anyway.

10. Babies have sooo much energy! Especially once they start crawling and walking. Geez. Can’t you just chill out, Baby? All that running around, picking things up they’re not supposed to, turning the TV off and on, throwing toys, temper tantrums, chasing the dog, pulling the cat’s tail, crying, wetting the diaper…ah! Simmer down, Baby. Simmer.

So yeah…not good for me right now. Too selfish. Too wild. Too little patience. Sleep too important. But maybe one day. When my husband, Derek Jeter, gets me a nanny and buys me three new pairs of shoes every time Baby gets one. Sigh. Oh, that Jete. Such a sweetheart. Yeah, I’ll just wait til then.