Sex and Politics

Ta da. This is my first drunk blog. Here I am, sitting in my little pj’s, drinking a Magic Hat. Yum. I’m in DC right now, and boy, do I miss it. I spent the evening hanging out with some of my most favorite people and drinking my favorite delicious beer.

I am lucky to have a lot of awesome friends. The one I’ve been seeing a lot lately, W, went to high school with me. A couple of our other close friends from high school live in DC, and we’ve good some other good friends here too. When the group all gets together, we have the best conversations.

You know when someone you’re dating meets your family for the first time? And you’re wondering and hoping they’ll get along really well together? That’s what it’s like when I introduce a guy to these friends. I have a lot of friends, all over the place, and they’re all really different, but these friends…I don’t know what it is, but if you don’t get this group, you don’t get me.

Tonight we talked about everything – from sex to politics to current events to our lives and the futures we imagine for ourselves. Here’s a bunch of random shit from the night. G means girl, and B means boy, just to provide a little clarification. I’m really just telling you the ridiculous things that were said and ignoring all the serious ones because like I said, I'm a little drunk.

G: So are you still dating that doctor?

B: Nah, not really.

G: Was it her boobs?

B: I mean, they were really big and overwhelming at first. They were so big, I didn’t know what to do with them. I just batted them around like cat toys.

G: So they were too much for you?

B: No, I wouldn’t say that. They grew on me.

B2: Did you name them?

B: You couldn’t name them. They’re so big, they’re in different hemispheres. One was in summer, and one was in fall. I mean, if you named them, they’d have four names.

G: Yes, well, good for you, but why aren’t you seeing her anymore if you were so turned on?

B: Oh. She got tired of me, I think.

G2: Of you grabbing her boobs all the time?

B: Yeah, probably. But her boobs were really great.

G3: Aw, don't say that! You used to love little boobs. We need more men like you on our side!

B: I don't know. I can't decide, but I may be spoiled. Although they weren’t great to look at, and you see them a lot more than you touch them. I don’t know. It’s a tough call.

B2: Whatever. We just like boobs. All boobs. We don't discriminate. We're just happy to see them.

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G: I cannot believe that you seriously think Sarah Palin is a viable candidate.

B2: Oh you just hate women.

G: Yeah, that must be it…I’m self-loathing like that…

B: Yeah, you look at her and see that hot cheerleader in high school that stole your boyfriend.

G: Actually, I probably hate her because I love women, and she’s making us all look bad.

B: She does seem pretty dumb on national issues, I’ll give you that.

G: Thank you! I'm sure she does a good job on the state and local level, but she’s not qualified to be in charge of anything nationally.

B: Maybe, but I’d let her be in charge of me any day…I'd let her tell me what to do! And I hope she keeps the glasses on. She's got that whole "sexy librarian" thing going for her.

(I should clarify that the guys were joking when they said all of that. Don’t want you to hate them or think they’re sexist pigs. Well, they do all think she’s hot.)

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B2: So are you guys like totally turned on by the gyno?

G: The gyno? Are you kidding?

G2: No, he’s serious. He asks this all the time.

G: Um, no. It’s uncomfortable, sometimes it kinda hurts, we don’t like it at all.

B2: But not just a little bit?

G and G2: No!

G3: Are you turned on by the cough test?

B2: No, but that’s different.

G2: It’s not different.

B2: And I mean, we’re just thinking about if we look too small or something.

G3: You’re worried your penis looks too small to the doctor? Why do guys not understand that all flaccid penises are small? You're the ones with penis envy.

B2: Well, but sometimes they look bigger than others. So we’re always hoping for the middle range, I’d say.

G2: You guys like to imagine that we’re always turned on by strangers. We don’t work like that.

B2: Guys do. We’re turned on all the time.

G3: Yeah, we know. That’s why you masturbate all the time.

B2: What? You guys don’t?

G3: Isn’t this something you figured out at 16?

B2: I just choose not to believe you.

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B2: I think it’s Poo Button time…where's the laptop?

All the girls in unison: NO!

(Men are disgusting. If you don't know what that is, you're lucky - DON'T LOOK IT UP. Don't say I didn't warn you!)

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G4: I think that before you actually turn 30, you have to go to a strip club at least once.

G2: I don’t know if that’s true, but I am kinda curious…

B3: You want to go to a strip club?! Sweet!

B: There are a couple nice ones around here. You want a classy one? Or does it matter?

G2: Classy! Gross, why would I want to go to any other kind?

G3: Ew how many other kinds are there?

B2: Strippers are gross, dude. I remember for my buddy’s bachelor party, we hired these strippers, and they were nasty. They came to the house and danced around and stuff naked. Then they told us they were getting wet and asked for paper towels to wipe themselves! It was the grossest thing I’ve ever seen. But we did pay them extra money to sit on our friend’s face. That was funny.

G3: He is so gonna get you back for that when you get married.

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B: What do normal people talk about? I don't think I'm good at conversation. I only have two things I talk about. Sex and politics. And we’ve already talked about both.

G: So now you don’t have anything else to say?

B: No, probably not. But seriously, what do people talk about? I don’t think it’s like this.

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G: I’m horny!

B: Eat some cake.