Jerry Maguire was the Lord of the Living Room, and I am the Lady of Weddings. I joke that I go to weddings all the time, but I’ve only been to two in ’08. No, I am the Lady of Weddings because I’m really a Wedding Slut.
I always meet a guy at a wedding. If I’m going to a wedding single, I’ll either hook up with someone or leave having given out my digits. Or both. Last Saturday, my stepsister got married. I love her to bits, but see her every few years because she lives in
She and her now husband are both park rangers. They love the earth. And good for them. I love the earth too, but not enough to have a “green” wedding. Green as in good for the environment, but also green because it costs more money. I’d rather have a wedding with a big ass carbon footprint if it means more guests. Weddings are about people, people. So that’s my rant.
Everything was recycled. Everything was organic – even the alcohol. The cake tasted like a Nerf ball it was so spongy and flavorless. The funniest part is they had organic flowers flown in from
The wedding was outside in the beautiful
I didn’t know what to expect of the guests, but it was an interesting mix of people freezing their asses off in either Hawaiian shirts or Birkenstocks.
Before the wedding, a girl asked if I was at the rehearsal dinner. I said, “No, I couldn’t go because I teach in
My parents were quite productive at the rehearsal dinner, however. Saturday morning, Mom gave me the lowdown on who they determined to be the wedding’s most eligible bachelors. Bachelor #1 lives in
“Thanks, Mom, but it sounds like none of these guys are date-able.”
“Well, you never know. They’re cute, and they’re single…well, except for maybe that one…and at least you’ll have somebody to dance with!”
As I sit down for the ceremony, I spot a good looking guy on the back row. He’s not next to a girl so I wonder if he’s one of the bachelors. He has hot mountain scruff and a good smile. I decide to keep an eye on him. I wasn’t planning on doing much dancing, but as cold as it was, I knew I’d need to stay in constant movement so my toes didn’t fall off.
The ceremony ends, and everyone headed up the hill to the reception. After sitting at my table for awhile, I realize I’m shivering and look over at the fireplace. To see my hot mountain man standing over there. I seize the day and walk over to him. Shaking my ass a little, I say, “Hey, move over and stop hogging the fire. I’m cold!” He laughs and says, “Ooo, you’ve got sass. Yes, ma’am!” I love it when a guy likes my sass. I like my sass.
We talk for awhile, and he’s completely hilarious. The guy has absolutely no filter, which is fascinating. And amusing. He also has the thickest, funniest
“Yeah, I know. But it was either flip flops or my muddy hiking boots. I thought these were more wedding appropriate.”
I think to myself, It’s too bad he only owns flip flops and hiking boots. This guy can’t be my soulmate because he’d never understand my shoe habit. (Yes, occasionally crazy thoughts like that do run through my head.)
He tells me he’s sitting with people from
Eventually, it’s time to eat so we head back to our tables. Where I find both my parents totally smashed. The food hasn’t even been served yet. My mother is giggling at everything, and my stepfather shares that he saw the Paris Hilton sex tape and was not impressed. I bury my head in shame and announce that I’ll be the D.D.
Once the dancing starts, I drag my stepfather out there to get our groove on. He and my mom took dancing lessons, and he’s actually pretty good. On our way back to our seats, we walk past Bachelor #1. My drunk stepdad tells the guy, “Now don’t forget, I might be paying you in peanuts, but I want you to dance with my daughter tonight.” #1 smiled at me and said he’d be happy to, and my stepdad looks at me and says, “I’m pimping you out!” Parents should not be allowed to consume alcohol in public.
Later, while I’m talking to the cute mountain man, #1 comes over. It’s uncomfortable because I’m thinking #1 is interested, but I’m not, and in fact am actually interested in the other guy. The two of them starting talking and Mountain Man asks #1 where he’s from. To which he replies, “
I eventually do dance with #1. It’s a slow song, and he spins me around so fast I actually get dizzy. Though the organic wine may have contributed. I spent the remaining part of the wedding skirting him. My parents have terrible taste. Not only was “
At the end of the night, I can tell that Mountain Man is about to ask for my number. And, of course, my parents walk up, telling me it’s time to go. Mom is grinning ear to ear and nodding drunkenly at the guy. While my stepdad interrogates him and stops just shy of inquiring after his intentions. I promptly gave Mom a death glare, and she dragged my stepfather to the car.
We flirt a bit longer while walking slowly to the parking lot. Some guy I haven’t seen in ten years stops us and blabbers for 15 minutes so by the time we get to the lot, my parents are in the car and waiting anxiously by the exit. Subtle, folks. Mountain Man nervously laughs about feeling sixteen and says he’ll call soon. Which he did yay.
* For those of you who missed the reference, the title of this post is from the movie Wedding Crashers. Probably the best wedding movie ever. Crab cakes and football! That's Maryland!