My First Confession

A few weeks ago, I had a Catholic question. So I asked Goofer because after 17 years of Catholic schooling, he should know every answer. And he did, but it led to an interesting conversation, one in which he explained the sacrament of confession. It was the best explanation I've heard, and now I really do get it. So I’m gonna try out a little confession right now. Bear with me, it’s my first.

I confess…

• Every once in awhile, I still lie to my mother. (Stop looking at me like that! You don’t know her. And anyway they’re little white lies…)
• A friend of mine did a favor for me once, and I promised to make him cookies as a thank-you. I didn’t have time so I bought some at a bakery and pawned them off as my own. He said they were the best he’d ever had.
• I have faked orgasms…with probably every boyfriend I’ve ever had and then some.
• I have apologized for things I didn’t understand.
• Sometimes, I use my girlish charms to my advantage. I’ll bat my eyes, smile a flirty smile and even turn up my Southern accent. I recently got free windshield wipers for doing this. And once I sweet-talked the security guard at the Peace Corps building into bending a rule for me. I’ll stop when it stops working.
• I really can’t stand close talkers or loud breathers. Those are the rudest, grossest things ev-er.
• I have broken hearts needlessly and been unkind to guys that I knew cared for me. I am not proud of this.
• I have a shoe fetish. My closet literally cannot hold all of my precious little treasures.
• I tell people I like their haircuts when I don’t.
• Sometimes I’d rather just stay on my couch and watch a movie.
• I always say a prayer every time an ambulance or firetruck passes me. And when I drive past accidents.
• I really like my arms and my eyes, I even like my stomach, but I don’t like my breasts.
• I have made up excuses as to why I can’t go out with someone to avoid flat out rejecting them. In high school, if a guy asked me out and I didn’t want to go, I would say, “Hold on, I have to ask my mom.” Then I’d ask her so he could hear through the phone while shaking my head to instruct her to say “No.”
• I can’t fall asleep while my feet are cold. Sometimes it takes a long time to warm them up. I hate it when I have cold feet. But I really love it when I can stick them under someone’s legs on the couch.
• Size does matter.
• I once kissed a guy that I knew had a girlfriend (he kissed me, I kissed back).
• One time, I kissed someone first. I was drunk, he was timid, and I knew it was a sure thing. I decided never to do the first kissing again. I like to be pursued.
• I did naked things on my roof in New York once with a guy I was dating. I didn’t even care if someone was watching. The idea of it was actually kind of exciting.
• I am a feminist and a liberal, but there are a few things I’m weirdly old-fashioned about. I think it’s because of my Papaw. He taught me what a man is supposed to be. At the beginning of a relationship, I like it if the guy pays all the time. After we’ve been dating awhile, I pitch in but still expect him to pay for things most of the time. I’m totally turned off by guys who can’t take initiative. If a guy doesn’t lead, I assume he’s a wimp. I kind of want my guy to be the breadwinner. I want to work, but I like the idea of my man being the provider (as retro as that is). It doesn’t matter either way really, like right now my best friend is working while her husband is in law school. He tells everyone she’s his sugar mama. I won’t care if I’m the sugar mama, but there is something about it being the other way around, and I know this comes from Papaw.
• I could never marry anyone who’s not a Christian so I don’t date non-Christians.
• Ditto for Republicans.
• I know every word to the musical RENT.
• I would love to write a book some day, but I’m not sure I have the discipline or something interesting enough to say that would fill 200 pages.
• I really miss my Papaw.
• On bad dates, I pretend to be having fun and that I’m interested in seeing him again. It’s my desire to please, I think, and it’s terrible.
• I kiss and tell.
• I often make fun of the idiots and weirdoes I’ve dated. Many laughs are had at their expense.
• If I’m in my late 30s and not married, I’d have artificial insemination because I really want to be a mom and to experience the whole pregnancy thing.
• I have never read the Bible cover to cover because a lot of the Old Testament is super weird and not that interesting. But I should read it and want to.
• I don’t speak a foreign language, and I don’t actually care.
• I have my entire wedding planned out because I am ridiculous and have been in and to a million weddings. My favorite is a night or two before, I want to have a Roast where all our friends can tease us and tell all the crazy things we’ve done that they couldn’t talk about at the Rehearsal Dinner.
• I once had the nickname “Kissing Bandit.” Though that’s not the worst nickname I’ve had…no, I’m not confessing that one!
• I buy underwear that says things. Today I’m wearing little boyshorts that say, “I heart geeks.” I really heart nerds, but they didn’t have those.
• I am very impatient.
• I have sex dreams. Sometimes about someone I’m dating or have dated. Sometimes I can’t see the guy’s face, and I like to imagine I’m dreaming about my soulmate but it’s probably more likely that my subconscious is lazy. Sometimes I dream about famous people, and two nights ago, I dreamed about having sex with Ryan Gosling. Then had a second dream about sex with Justin Timberlake. I rode two celebs in one night!
• I stole the cookie from the cookie jar, I shot J.R. and I was on One Eyed Willy’s pirate ship as it sailed out into the distance. I also lie sometimes to make you laugh.