She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

I’d like to dedicate this little diddy to a good friend – Brad – who loves Kenny and even looks like him. And I don’t mean he looks like him as in my mom says so and Brad says so. I mean that people often approach him and ask if he is Kenny. Just when he’s wearing a baseball hat because, unlike dear Kenny, Brad still has a full head of thick hair. Brad also took me on my first tractor ride. Romantic, right? And I was ironically wearing a shirt that said, “It’s Better in New York.”

Well, I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not
and I'm sure happy with what I've got
I live and love and laugh a lot
and that's all I need

A friend told me a few weeks ago that he guessed it was “ok” that I liked country music since I’m from Tennessee. This friend is from New Jersey so I guess it’s ok that he said that. Really, there are many great things about country music. A good country song tells you a story. It’s honest and true. And makes me feel like I’m at the lake drinking a cold beer in the summertime. Everything you need to know about life, you can learn from a country song.

Yesterday was a country music extravaganza. We saw five bands and heard 7 ½ hours of country music. It was awe-some. After LeeAnn Rimes had us up and dancing, my cousin C and I took a bathroom break. We were standing in a long line for the women’s restroom when we saw a woman laying into a guy. It was a very loud, very public fight. I heard her say, “You’re a fucking asshole,” “You lie, you’re a liar, you lied to me,” and “How could you do that?”

The girl was beautiful, but the guy looked like a guido from Long Island. Probably needed someone to Nair his back, had a big ol’ beer belly and even had a thick gold chain. The worst was that he seemed totally unphased and even bored with the fight. Just had this look on his face like, “What?” I have no idea what this girl was doing with him, but if we’re honest with ourselves, ladies, we’ve all slummed it before.

C and I are loud mouths so we start shouting things like, “You tell him, honey!” “You can do better!” “You’re too good for him!” All the things we’d want to hear if we were fighting with a loser. Gotta support a sista, right? “That’s right! Tell him what’s up!”

Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
Who will make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps

Eventually, we got the women standing around us to join in, and we were all cheering her on. Guido took off with his tail between his legs. Unfortunately, so did the girl. We all clapped and cheered for her, but she walked off in tears. Poor dear. I hope she wasn’t fighting while LeeAnn played “Commitment” cuz I think that day it would’ve been her anthem. We saw a real live country song in action.

Now the greatest thing about a country music extravaganza is all the drunk rednecks. Sure, we looked like idiots too in our matching orange shirts and cowgirl hats, but we were sober. The woman in a moo-moo behind us was so wasted she started hugging everyone and professing her love. She told my mom about three times, which was almost scarier to my sweet mama than walking past a gay club in Chelsea, and finally the woman asked Mom if she loved her too. My mom said yes, and the woman used Mom’s cowgirl hat to stand her beer bottle on. If that’s not redneck love, I don’t know what is.

Life's too short, let's get to livin' it
Let's give it all we can give it
Let your hair down, turn the music up
We gonna paint the town flat, tear it up
The party starts here get in line
Beer thirty, a honky tonk time

The couple in front of us were equally entertaining. The man was wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off so we had a better view of his fat arms. The woman was wearing a tiny tank top that showed off her granny bra and muffin top nicely. I kept debating which was classier – showing the granny or the muffin top. It’s a toss-up. Both were wearing camouflage hats. The man had a camo cowboy hat on, and the woman a camo fishing cap. Welcome to Georgia, y’all.

After awhile, C and I needed another beer and bathroom break. Before we left, Camo Fish showed up with a footlong hot dog covered in mustard, relish and chili. Yum. We definitely missed the best part of the day, but I almost think hearing our moms re-tell it was funnier. Apparently, while we were gone she put on a little phallacio show with the dog. Imagine my surprise when I return to hear my mother say, “That woman just gave that man a blowjob with a hotdog.”

I don’t know what that means, but hearing my mom say “blowjob” was disturbing enough. She has no business even knowing what that word means. Between fits of giggles, Mom explains that the woman held her hotdog up to the man’s mouth and pretended to give it a blowjob. When I said, “Ew, with the mustard and relish on it too?” Mom told me Camo Fish licked all of that off. Slowly. Tell the truth, fellas, is nothing hotter than a woman sucking up chili?

At this point, another couple standing in front of us turns around. The girl is a Georgia fan, and the guy is a Tennessee fan so they ask C if they can take a picture with her. Apparently, it’s some kind of lame bet, and the girl’s punishment for having terrible taste in football is to be photographed with a Vol. C says sure and makes friends with them before telling the guy it’s about time he put a ring on his girl's finger and made an honest woman out of her. He says, “Is that so?” and C tells him he’s “of age.” He turns around, and we are no longer friends.

Til you put a girl in it
You aint got nothin
What's it all worth
Without a little lovin
Put a girl in it
Some huggin and some kissin
If you're world's got somethin missin
Just put a girl in it

Finally, our star shows up and rocks our faces off country style. As soon as Kenny’s on stage, my mom starts asking when he’s gonna tell her his tractor’s sexy. Her favorite song. He plays all his greatest hits, and I find I am strangely turned on by this small man and his tight ass. I decide it’s his big hot arm muscles and crooked grin. I always prefer guys from the North to Southern guys, and there are many good reasons for that. But damn, there were some hot men in cowboy hats last night, and I decided to add “cowboy” to the list of hook-ups I should have before I settle down.

Camo Fish and Camo Cow are having fun too. All the people around us are standing on their fold-up chairs so, of course, we are too so we can see. Camo Fish is swaying with a beer bottle in one hand and a Gatorade in the other. She’s water-backing like a true alcoholic. Throughout the set, I tell her a total of four times that her beer bottle came dangerously close to my head. Her excuse is that she doesn’t drink. O…k…well, ya sure are now, sweetheart.

When the sun goes down, we'll be groovin
When the sun goes down,we'll be feeling alright
When the sun sinks down over the water
Everything gets hotter when the sun goes down

Eventually, the inevitable happens. Camo Fish falls. On my mother. It’s a domino effect, and everyone topples to the ground. My mom shoves Camo Fish forward with a fury I haven’t seen since I was little and drew her a picture on the wall. Camo Fish apologizes and minutes later fights with Camo Cow. He storms off, and she gives him the bird. Oh, I love rednecks.

In defiance, she climbs back up on her chair, and everyone in our section exchanges worried glances. The guy next to me with a unibomber beard and acid trip t-shirt motions that we should push her off. We ask her to get down. She does and then says, “Y’all are cute. Are you in some kind of a club?” pointing at our shirts. I respond, “Yeah. Family. The kind you can’t get out of.” She says cool and stumbles off. Applause all around.

It was a great concert. Kenny proved why he’s always Entertainer of the Year and even played my mom’s favorite song. All in all, another great family outing.

She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always staring at me
While I'm chuggin along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy