We Are Tracing, We're Both Alone.

You know I can't really blame you,
For being bored with the beginning,
Always staring at the score,
To figure out who's barely winning.
But don't you know?
There is a reason strong moves slow.

Those are my favorite lyrics from one of my favorite John Mayer songs. I have no idea how it found me - it was recorded somewhere sometime but never released. I often wonder if it was meant for me alone. It's called Tracing. I haven't thought of it in months, but it's been in my head the past week.

He talks about tracing, we don't know what we're drawing, we can only see the bottom line. That metaphor means different things to me at different times. This week, I was thinking that it means that we create something new based upon the old image that we know.

It makes perfect sense really. Life is like any other skill - we build upon what we've already learned (no matter how wrong those lessons may be). So if I'm writing a press release, I know what needs to go in it, how long it should be, the format to put it in and blah blah cuz of all that schoolin' I've had. But because I've written so many releases at my current job, I know how my boss'll edit it and what she wants to see and what the background is, tra la la. I once had a boss who forced me to follow an out-of-date grammar rule. She was wrong, but it's what I learned I had to do so I did it for her, and it continues into the next job because she trained me to be cognizant of that rule.

It's the same with dating. I really do hate the beginning. Not really because it bores me. But because that constant glancing back at the scoreboard makes me nervous and frantic and dizzy. And also, as wrong as it is, you always end up comparing the new person and new relationship to all the old ones that have taught you everything good and bad that you know about love and relationships. Add to that the "sense" you have of who you think you are and the vision you have for your future.

There's a very clear picture of what you think this new person and new relationship should be. Not like Person 3 or Person 5 in Way X and Way Z. But like Person 5 and Person 6 in Way A and Way B. And fits into what you think a Person For You should be with qualities 35, 49 and 61.

The thing is that you try to trace, but that picture you're drawing takes on a life of its own and has colors and shapes and dimensions that you don't know, so you try to guess and end up using your eraser more than you thought. You never know what you're gonna get. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tells me what I'm thinking or how I feel about something. It makes me crazy. But we all do it to some extent - especially in the beginning, when we're trying to figure someone out and learn them. It's important to keep in mind that we don't actually know what we're drawing and that we're going to make some mistakes and incorrect assumptions in the process.

So why do we try to draw anything so quickly? And why are we so convinced it's going to be better than any picture you've drawn before?

Hope. Hope based upon a belief that the perfect fit you're trying to find is out there for that picture of your future you're so convinced you have figured out. And don't be that hard on yourself for all this - the other person is in the process of drawing a totally wrong picture of you too. We're all fumbling our way through.

Do you ever get the feeling
that we started in the middle?
Or have you ever had the sense
that we've been lying just a little?
I mean, come on,
it's not like we've known ourselves that long.

And I can't say I really blame you
for being bored with the beginning -
always staring at the score
to figure out who's barely winning.
But don't you know?
There is a reason strong moves slow.

And I'm okay
if you're okay with
wasting time.
But when you trace,
you always see the bottom line.

We are tracing.
I hope you know.
We are tracing.

And if you want to know the moment
I knew that I was still alone -
I found I'd never learned your number.
I only stored it in my phone.
You'd think by now
I'd know the shape of calling home.

And I'm okay
if you're okay with
wasting time.
But when you trace,
you know you'll always face that bottom line.

We are tracing.
I hope you know.
We are tracing.
We're both alone
We are tracing.
We are tracing.

Do you ever get the feeling
that we started in the middle?
Or have you ever had the sense
that we've been lying just a little?
I mean, come on,
it's not like we've known ourselves that long.