Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Sum of All Parts

You never know where it's gonna hit the hardest. Sometimes you feel it in your stomach. This topsy-turvy, flittery, twisty set of knots. Like riding a rollercoaster, when you know that big scary drop is coming up fast.

I think the stomach is the most important. It's the most inexplicable, that's for sure. I used to call it 'making my stomach jump.' I don't know what to call it anymore; I've seen so many variations. Sometimes it flips and flops like that to tell you that you like this one, he's someone you want to keep around for awhile. But it can also bunch up and squeeze you from the inside out. That's a warning that there's something to watch out for, something that just isn't right, doesn't sit well.

The heart and the head, everyone knows about. The head is the guy who looks good on paper. The guy who fits the list. The heart is the depth of feeling and the white hot heat of the emotional core.

The tricky thing is finding the right combination. You gotta have them all there or it just doesn't fly. I've had the head and the heart without the stomach. That was a hard lesson because it's easy to forget the power of the stomach when it's absent. I thought that maybe it didn't matter that much or I could fake it or it could be forced. But love is not easily fooled.

I had the heart (oh and did I) and the stomach too - the good and the bad mixing up together so tightly that it was tough to tell the difference between the two - but the head just wasn't there, could never be reconciled.

What I'm quickly learning is that despite knowing the ingredients, I don't really understand the recipe. I'm just trying out what I can, seeing if it comes out right or sinks down in the middle. I feel like after being in the kitchen for as long as I have, I should have things figured out by now. But I don't. I'm just as clueless as I was at 16 when all this started. I do know that all the parts have to fit together somehow. So in a way, I guess I do know what I'm looking for. Something whole. And complete. In all its mystery.


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