Monday, January 29, 2007

The Ghosts Still Haunt Me...

I remember the tears. I wonder if I could count them all. I could probably come close. I remember all the lonely nights, the days spent wondering, worrying. I remember feeling worthless and invisible. I remember wanting your love and never feeling it. I remember always being unsatisfied, wanting more, needing more and putting in more than I got out. In the end, the love just wasn't enough, and I had to get out. I had to run far away so as to never go back to you again.

And here I am, 17 months and 700 miles away, and yet it doesn't feel that far. It feels like you're here and it feels like it all happened yesterday. I feel haunted by it. It follows me into restaurants, movie theaters, down the street and in my bed at night. They say the past can haunt you, and baby, our past is haunting me.

Is it because my love for you was so strong? Because the relationship was so dramatic and intense? Because the connection we had was real? Or because the pain was so scarring, the cuts so deep? I don't really know why. I think if I fall in love again, all the ghostly whispers will be silenced. That's what I think and hope. I don't want the ghosts to keep me from love, that's for sure. I don't really think they will because I know I am brave.

But this is really awful. So unhealthy. That after all this time, I'm still gripped by it. We had such good times too, which I think makes it harder to reconcile what happened between us. Every guy I meet, every guy I date I compare to you. I expect the worst from men. I expect all men to behave like you. It's a constant struggle to tell myself each one is not you. He's not you, he's not you, he's not you.

Though the memories still come to my mind, I feel better knowing I did get away. I did not fall back into it. And I was able to get out. I still believe that you can be the person I always saw in you. I still care for you. And will always want good things to come your way. But I'm healthier and happier now that I'm away from all that drama, even if the past still haunts, a ghost isn't real.


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