What I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

Now that I can fit into my skinny jeans again, I'm ready to take my flat tummy out on a date with a hot dude. Know any? I've heard that you can perform miracles, I've seen all those Christmas movies where you do, so surely you can send me a kind, handsome man for Christmas.

I don't want one who stalks me with creepy text messages. Or one who's already engaged. Or who tells me way too much information about his previous sexual experiences. Ooo and also please not one who sleeps outside in the rain because he's a drunken idiot. So...pretty much he can't be anyone in DC. Ha.

He should be tall, I like that. And not bald. I don't do bald. I used to date an accountant. I told that to some co-workers who were shocked because they could never picture me with a square. That's actually what friends said when we dated. So what should he do? I like pediatricians. They're nice and smart. Or maybe some fancy environmental lawyer. Definitely someone who's job requires a high level of intelligence and somehow makes the world a better place. And something sexy. Like rock star. FBI agent. Investigative reporter! (I am such a nerd.)

Good taste in music. Great laugh. Loves animals and dancing. Is close to his parents. Reads the New York Times, likes to travel and see theater. Loves New York. Is a good eater, but not much of a cook. Ooo and he brings me daisies. I love daisies.

I could go on and on, Santa, but this should give you enough information to fulfill my request. He doesn't have to be wrapped up with a big bow for me to know he's a present from you to me. And he shouldn't come from the North Pole because I don't need a man who likes cold weather. Yick yick! Definitely shouldn't be an elf because their ears are kinda weird and all that singing and cheeriness would get old fast. Just send me a regular dude. After all, I'm just a regular girl. Who looks great in her size two jeans. Uhhh huh.

God speed, Santa. God speed.

- me

P.S. If you do this for me, I'll leave extra milk and cookies this year and every year after. And you know I make the best chocolate chip.