City Meet Girl, Girl Meet City

DC and I have been together for more than a year now. Longer than any relationship I've ever had, but not even close to the average amount of time that I've known almost all of my friends. I still feel like we're slowly getting used to each other, still getting to know each other in many ways. And we're not yet in love.

Today, I looked at the people around me and started thinking about DC. What is DC? What is its personality? And the way to answer those questions is to examine the people. Standing next to me in Starbucks today, there was a girl about my age carrying a book on contract law. Walking through the streets, I'm struck by how diverse the people are. I stood on the corner with two men of Middle-Eastern decent wearing suits and speaking in their native language. Men in the traditional DC blue suit are everywhere, with occasional women in power suits as well.

At lunch, I walked past a large patio outside a very expensive posh steak restaurant and saw many people sharing bottles of wine and having intense conversations. At the takeout sushi restaurant where I got my lunch (lobster rolls and spicy scallop rolls), I heard two men about my age wearing suits and talking work. One was contemplating 'leaving to go to the prosecution side' while the other was hoping for an invitation to work for 6 months in Brussels.

Not to mention all those dressed in business casual, the hippies - some of whom are named thus for wearing political statements on their shirts and myself, dressed in one of the work outfits I have that could be sold with Professional Barbie.

DC is a city where people pass out business cards at bars. And in your first conversation with someone, you hear about their job (which they passionately love) and their political affiliation. DC is a city with a strong work ethic, fervor and intensity for instigating change. And all of that is invigorating and contagious. DC makes you a better person in a lot of ways - more focused, more confident, more serious.

In thinking about DC, I can't help but think about Atlanta - the city I left a year ago. Atlanta is a city of country comes to town, as the old saying goes. It's full of small town people who came to the big city to make it big. A lot of ambition in that town, and a lot of ego and self-importance oozing from those small towners who succeeded. There's not much diversity, not enough for my taste, or much sophistication. Or political activism or artistic awareness. It still just doesn't suit me quite right, despite the people, memories and places I love.

So DC and I may still be getting to know one another, deciding what kind of relationship this is, but I think I can safely say if DC were a person, he'd be gettin' lucky soon.

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss

I like the Rolling Stones. I saw them in concert with my mother almost exactly a year ago. She dressed up. You know, just in case Mick Jagger saw her. I want to be kooky like her one day. Some might say I'm well on my way. Those who know me well.

Family is funny like that. There's family that is perfect for you that you didn't pick out, like my crazy momma. There's family that is perfect for you that you did pick out like my good friend Liz who I heard a lot about and kept thinking, 'That girl sounds cool. I want to meet her. I want to be her friend.' And then there are friends that you don't pick, but are still perfect for you. Like my sweet friend Kate who got married a few days ago. Kate and I met on the street in Athens, Georgia. I always tell her it's my favorite chance encounter.

So what about that other family? The family member that I haven't met yet. He's a pretty important guy. Not just because he gets to be with me, but because he will be the person I start a family with. Gotta pick out a good guy so my kids are good kids and are raised in a good environment. Maybe it'll be a chance encounter. But even so, there will be a lot of thinking involved in picking him.

Back to the Rolling Stones. 'You can't always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes you just might find, you get what you need.' A lot of thought goes into picking the right mate, the right partner. And I have put plenty of thought into what I want. There's a blurry line, though, between what you want and what you need. There's a silly list, longer than the one I've previously included here, and that's a good place to start.

But what do I need? That is a daily process. And some things overlap. A lesson I learned not too long ago is that I need to really want my man. It's a lesson that I can see surfacing up in the past several years, but not one I noticed until recently. I've always known that I need a man who is patient because I am not patient. I need a man not easily angered and one not quick to yell because I don't deal with anger very well and get very upset by it.

I need someone supportive, kind, appreciative, affectionate and someone who makes me laugh. I need someone who reads me when I'm holding back or holding in because what's in wants out. I need a man who is a good communicator and who is expressive and open with his thoughts and feelings. But there are so many other things I want and need that I don't even know about. It's a learning process. And always is, I'd say, even when you've found that someone because nothing in life is ever perfect.

Which brings me back to needs and wants. Wanting to be what I want and what I need is something I want and need but it isn't enough. Wanting to be with someone who isn't what I need is just as ineffectual as being with someone who is everything I need but still don't want.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes you just might find, you get what you need. I think the point in there is the trying and the not knowing. I don't know, but I'm gonna try. And maybe, while I'm trying to figure it all out, another chance encounter will give me something wonderful and unexpected. Because, as the Stones say, 'I am waiting, waiting for someone to come out of somewhere.'

Growing Pains. Ouch.

I've said many times that I think this is a tough time period in life. I'm not sure when it ends. It seems like you get spit out of college into the real world and face so many new problems and are forced to make so many decisions. Maybe when I hit 30, I'll have it all figured out? I don't know.

As I've gone through my own individual changes - trying to figure out where I want to live, what I want to do, should I go back to school, what kind of guy should I date, etc. - I've also noticed my close friends' lives changing. Almost all of them are in serious relationships either planning their wedding or planning to wed one day. And that has altered some of the way that we interact. We obviously can't talk as often because when you're in a serious commited relationship, you have someone that you need to spend a lot of quality time with. And that's okay. Perfectly reasonable and understandable. One of my close friends had a baby, and for awhile, we hardly talked because she had this incredible new person who needed her time and attention. And what a gift that has been in her life, and also in mine by watching my friend grow and change in this way.

What I never expected, though, was in all these life changes that all of us are experiencing, we would grow apart. I feel like I've lost a few friends this year. It's hard. I don't know if I've done something wrong, and sometimes I worry that I have. But in the end, I think that we're all changing so much, it's hard to change with someone and not change in different ways that separate you from one another. How do you find friends (especially a spouse) who you can change with instead of change away from?

I really don't like the 20's. Growing pains are just that - pains, painful. I am grateful, though, for the good, close friends I do have that I have grown with through the years. And I look forward to the new friends that I will acquire as I move into new parts of life. Maybe there's a BFF just waiting for me out there, but we won't meet til we're neighbors in the same nursing home! I hope so. But I also hope I'm sharing that room with a good friend who's a part of my life now. Old friends, in my opinion, are still best as long as they're close.

Some Peace, Just to Get Me to Sleep

Sometimes I just can't sleep. I don't know what it is because God knows I'm always tired. I think sometimes all the worries and doubts and plans and memories and well, all that head mess, it all gets so wired up and energized from running round and round inside my mind that it can't calm down. I find this usually happens when I'm stressed or upset over something. Am I stressed or upset right now? Well, I don't know how to answer that, but I guess that's a yes, isn't it?

I had a bad boyfriend once. Ha. Actually, I had him three times over, but the first go at a relationship with him was really nice, which kept me comin back for more. He used to get me so upset. He's hurt me more than I care to admit, and I spent many a sleepless night worrying over our relationship or fretting about something he had said.

I used to get out of bed and lay on the couch when I felt so smothered by all that worry and fear and heartache. And as soon as I laid down on that couch, it was lights out. Like getting away from him set me free from all that unpleasantness and gave me the relief I needed to sleep. I used to tell him that sometimes the bed felt too crowded and suffocating with all those thoughts and the pair of us trying to fit in there too. I think that was a little bit of it too.

Right now, though. There's no bad boyfriend. There's no family tragedy, praise God. And there's no real personal crisis that I'm going through. I am, however, approaching my one year anniversary of when I decided to leave my old life behind and start a new one. And I have started that new life. And it's happier than the old one and more fulfilling and challenging too.

But it still seems like the old problems somehow don't all go away. There are still old worries and fears exercising in my mind. The characters have changed a bit. Even the problems themselves are different, but still pretty much the same. I can't solve them tonight, of course.

I do have a song in my head, though. That I think explains some of this, and I hope that by getting all of this out and into the world, there will be enough room in my bed again for lil ol me.

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin' 'bout soccer
And how every man's just the same
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around

But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

My Day. My Independence Day.

Yesterday was My Independence Day. My Day. Mine. A year ago exactly yesterday, I was freed to go find myself a new life. I may not have more fresh-start opportunities like that, and I hope that one day I'll stop craving them. But I doubt if any previous opportunities such as that have produced as much growth as the past year has.

The year before the past year...uh, so that was like two years ago...anyway, that year was a really painful and difficult year. And I'm sure there was some growth in there somewhere, but mostly, I think that year was about hanging on. I learned survival skills, I realized the strength I have, I better understood the bonds I have with certain family members and I learned a little more about what I do and do not need and want. So that was an important year to crawl through.

But the past year. The past year, I have finally become proud of myself. I've realized and accepted (and set out to improve) some of my faults. That is hard work, let me tell you, and quite tough cuz I'm sensitive. More than anything, I feel like I've realized and developed my independence. I've always been independent. But the past year, I feel like for the first time, I truly was. And I finally have a job that is personally and professionally satisfying. One that makes me feel good because I am part of making the world a better place and because I am actually pretty good at what I do. I never understood how fulfilling all that could be.

There's more work to do next year, but it's good to exhale and realize how far I've come. I'm still very insecure about some things, still have major problems with intimacy, still have fears and doubts, still get nervous and anxious too much, still need to be more responsible. Ugh. When I think about all there is to do, though, I get lost in that and can't see what all I've done. Sometimes we get focused on the logistics and stats. We want to see numbers, evidence, quantification of progress, of accomplishment. But that's just not what life is all about. Life is about all the things you don't plan, all the things you have to look for to find, all the things you miss when you're focused on other things. And life is in the feelings.

Yesterday, I felt a lot of feelings. Proud because something amazing and historic happened at work. Peaceful because I remembered what I was going through at this time last year and all the pain during that time that I don't feel anymore. Happy because I feel like I'm on the right track finally. But also sad that there wasn't someone to truly share all of that with (why do you keep missing all my big moments?!?). And nervous and fearful for all that is still unknown.

But as I fell asleep last night, after finishing an empowering book, after talking to one of my most favorite people and after thinking about the past, I watched those silly red lights blink on the Washington Monument and realized where I am now. And I saw the Capitol dome and all the hope it inspires me with and remembered that the best is still yet to come.

Under-the-bed Monsters

Faith is a funny thing. It really comes with being a grown-up. We have to have faith all the time. So much so that it could make a person go insane.

They always say, 'Have childlike faith,' but children don't have to have faith in anything. Mommy drives them to all the places they need to be, she feeds them, she clothes them, she makes all their decisions for them and she buys them the Christmas presents they ask for. They don't have to think about any of that stuff or worry about it at all. There's no faith necessary in the life of a child.

But as adults, we constantly have to believe in things we cannot see and be certain of what we hope for. All that fancy talk just means that we have to appease ourselves constantly. We have worries and fears that would be scarier to any kid than even the monster under her bed. And all the while, we have to tell ourselves whatever works to assauge our nerves and anxieties so we can get through another day doing all the things that we have to do.

I want to go back to kindergarten. When even though I worried about how late my mom might be in picking me up from daycare, it didn't take any ounce of miracle to have faith that she would show. Why can't Mommy get rid of all of my fears and doubts now? It's hard out here for a girl on her own. But that's the tricky part, isn't it? I'm not really a girl anymore. (shut up, Britney Spears...) I'm an adult.

Yikes. Maybe that's scarier than all my fears and doubts and under-the-bed monsters.

To counter Ms. Dowd: Why Men Are Necessary

Do we really need men at all anymore? Sperm banks, advanced reproductive technology, the increasing opportunities available to women.

My good friend, A., and I joke often about being heterosexual life partners. I tell her that she's the best boyfriend I've ever had, she tells me how there's no man as good to her as me. We've named our children and designed their personalities in great detail. She decided I could birth them because, to quote her, I'd be 'better at that.' Everyone will enjoy our company and stimulating conversation. Constantly telliing each other, 'everyone will want us at their parties.'

'Are you going to the party on Saturday?'
'Eh. I'm not sure. Are A. and D. gonna be there?'

We'd be a hit. Basking in our superior companionship, we'd use men only for sexual pleasure.

Though they're good for lots of stuff. Putting Ikea crap together, opening jars, taking general care of ya, fixing your car, picking you up from the airport, they pick you up when you're feeling down, get all protective of you, aw I love my man friends, and I love that they spoil me rotten. I am adored. Thank you, sweet boys.

I live with a lesbian. She says that women are more emotional than men, which, I think everyone can agree is true. And so she enjoys the love of a woman infinitely more than that of a man. Men are frequently detatched, 'emotionally unavailable,' as the saying goes, and had difficulty expressing complex thoughts or feelings.

But when that man who normally struggles with articulating his emotions suprises me by poetically declaring his love, I melt. There is nothing like it. When a guy who's been methodical and careful suddenly lets go and lets you in, ooo aw. Or a guy who's reserved opens up about his feelings. Not that they need to be emotionally stunted to surprise me or make me sigh. I truly prefer a man who's open, honest and expressive and can say, "I want you."

And maybe men need us in that way. To help them see life's beauty, to help them understand the complicated colors and shapes of human emotions. And we need them for something too. In addition to sexual pleasure, of course.

I had a dream last night of my soulmate. That sounds odd, yes, and difficult to describe, so you'll just have to trust me. The reciprocity, the equality, the balance and the understanding between two souls so different in form and composition is one of the great divine miracles humans are allowed to be part of.