Friday, August 25, 2006

Some Peace, Just to Get Me to Sleep

Sometimes I just can't sleep. I don't know what it is because God knows I'm always tired. I think sometimes all the worries and doubts and plans and memories and well, all that head mess, it all gets so wired up and energized from running round and round inside my mind that it can't calm down. I find this usually happens when I'm stressed or upset over something. Am I stressed or upset right now? Well, I don't know how to answer that, but I guess that's a yes, isn't it?

I had a bad boyfriend once. Ha. Actually, I had him three times over, but the first go at a relationship with him was really nice, which kept me comin back for more. He used to get me so upset. He's hurt me more than I care to admit, and I spent many a sleepless night worrying over our relationship or fretting about something he had said.

I used to get out of bed and lay on the couch when I felt so smothered by all that worry and fear and heartache. And as soon as I laid down on that couch, it was lights out. Like getting away from him set me free from all that unpleasantness and gave me the relief I needed to sleep. I used to tell him that sometimes the bed felt too crowded and suffocating with all those thoughts and the pair of us trying to fit in there too. I think that was a little bit of it too.

Right now, though. There's no bad boyfriend. There's no family tragedy, praise God. And there's no real personal crisis that I'm going through. I am, however, approaching my one year anniversary of when I decided to leave my old life behind and start a new one. And I have started that new life. And it's happier than the old one and more fulfilling and challenging too.

But it still seems like the old problems somehow don't all go away. There are still old worries and fears exercising in my mind. The characters have changed a bit. Even the problems themselves are different, but still pretty much the same. I can't solve them tonight, of course.

I do have a song in my head, though. That I think explains some of this, and I hope that by getting all of this out and into the world, there will be enough room in my bed again for lil ol me.

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin' 'bout soccer
And how every man's just the same
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around

But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.


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