I'm The Guy? No, I'm Always The Girl.

I hate it when I hear guys use the p- word or the c- word. I hate it because they're almost always using those words as insults. When I hear a guy use such vulgarity in my presence, the conversation usually goes like this:

Dumb Dude - Blah blah blah p- word

Me - You say that like it's a bad thing.

DD - Huh?

Me - It's not a bad thing to be a pussy. Don't you love pussies?

DD - [chuckles stupidly ala Beavis and Butthead]

Me - I love the pussy. Do you love the pussy?

DD - Huh-huh-huh yeah! Der! Huh-huh!

Me - Then don't insult the pussy. If you love the pussy and want to be near the pussy, you won't insult it like that again.

DD - Huh-huh-huh...you said p- word...huh-huh!

(Notice I did not give Dumb Dude spelling-out privileges. I will only spell out pussy when it is given the proper respect and adoration it deserves. In fact, that's not all I won't do if those conditions are not appropriately met.)

That scenario is particularly amusing to me when I don't know the guy well and/or we're surrounded by a crowd of people. By trade I am a teacher, after all, and I'm used to having a large group of students to impart my wisdom and knowledge upon.

Think about it, ladies. When you hear a guy call another guy a p- or a c-, it's an insult. Sometimes it will be blatant, and you'll actually hear a guy call another guy "a girl." Let me ask you this - why is that an insult? There's nothing wrong or bad about being a girl. I wouldn't be insulted if you called me a desk or a lamp (yes, Ron Burgundy, I'm just saying it because I see them). Apparently, it's degrading for someone who is not a girl to be called a girl. Hell. It can even be an insult when you are a girl.

"You throw like a girl!"

"You run like a girl!"

"What? Are you gonna be a girl and cry about it?"

Whenever someone calls me a girl, I tell them they're just stating the obvious. "Yeah. I know. So what's your point?" But what does it mean when someone calls you a guy or tells you you're acting like one?

Because something I hear every now and then is that I'm acting like a guy. I don't know what to make of this one. I'll be talking to a friend, or maybe even someone I don't even know very well, about a guy I'm dating or used to date. And they'll say it. "Sounds like you're the guy in the relationship." Then they laugh.

Seriously - what does this really mean? Is it good? Is it bad? Why is it funny? I just don't know. It comes from girls and guys alike, but who says it doesn't seem to change the meaning at all.

Goofer's told me more than a few times throughout our many years of friendship - "That's what you get for dating a guy who thinks like a girl," "He did what?! He's being such a girl about this." or "You're the guy. You know that, right?"

Don't get me wrong - I have put some thought into this. Usually it's when I'm complaining about a guy calling or texting me. Or I tell someone about a fight I just had with the guy that I don't understand. Or I'm talking about feeling awkward when he cried or confused when he got his feelings hurt. I get that, right or wrong, certain behaviors are gendered. But what I don't understand is whether my characterization as "the guy" is a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm turned off by guys who contact me too much or come on too strong. I can be fickle. I don't like things moving quickly and have commitment issues. I'm not going to have three dates with a guy and expect we're exclusive. I'm not going to date a guy for a month and think we're in a relationship. I get hella-annoyed when guys do these things because we're not in college anymore. I don't cry often or in front of anyone unless we're watching a sad movie. I get freaked out when guys cry in front of me. Especially if it's at a movie like Monsters, Inc. True story.

I get freaked out when meeting the family comes too soon. I hate it when guys are jealous of my guy friends or ex's. It weirds me out when guys are more sensitive than me and when they get their feelings hurt and have to talk about it. I don't do that unless it's big. I step back when a guy is more insecure than me. There's a healthy human amount of insecurity, and anything more is a problem. And I think fights are stupid unless major shit hits the fan.

Is there something wrong or bad about all that? Seeing it all listed like that makes me think I sound bitchy, but evidently, it makes me a guy.

I also love chick flicks. Grey's Anatomy is my favorite show because Sex and the City is off the air. I drink cosmopolitans, and pink is my favorite color. I like flowers and chocolate and had posters of cheesy teen heart-throbs like Jonathan Knight and Kirk Cameron on my wall growing up. I saw Titanic the night it opened. I love shoes and purses and own more than I have room for. I get manicures on bad days. I'm a romantic.

I love to cook for my man. I like writing sweet little cards and hiding them for him to find. I talk about my feelings. I like cuddling, laying out on the beach and love to host dinner parties. I talk to my mom every day and giggle with my friends. I have poetry books. There are pictures of friends all over my apartment where we have our grinning faces smooshed together the way only girls do, and I love my small, fluffy dog who sits on my lap and wears bows.

So what if I also love sports and quote Will Ferrell? Whatever people say, I'll always be a girl. And if I'm sure of anything, I'm sure there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

"Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short,
Wear shirts and boots.
'Cause it's okay to be a boy.
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading.
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading.
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like,
Wouldn't you?
What it feels like for a girl."
- Madonna, The Ultimate Girl