Thursday, March 1, 2007

I Feel Dizzy.

Sometimes I think that if I can just figure out what I want and need and really understand myself then that’s "it." That’s the key to everything. When I was little, I loved ‘The Neverending Story.’ I never got the end of it, though.

"Sebastian...say my naaaaame!!"

All Sebastian had to do was name the queen? Why? Why didn’t she just have a name? Why was he the only person who could name her? And why would a silly thing like that save the universe from disintegrating?

But now I think I get it. He was reading this book, interacting with this fantasy world that came to life, and he had to make the ending. He had to end the story. He had the power and all he had to do was find the key, he just had to understand what his role was, and then the world was saved, he got to keep the flying dragon-dog and scare the mean bullies.

But in reality, understanding yourself (if it's even possible) doesn’t change the world. You might understand that you have certain qualities, and you may understand why you behave the way you do, but understanding alone does not equal change. Knowledge is power, yes, but knowing is only half the battle. Ha. I used to have a joke with an old friend over what the other half was. We decided it was fighting.

And that makes sense. You have to know what to do, you have to understand what’s going on, and then you have to take action. You are the only one who can change your life and change who you are and who you become.

There are a lot of changes I want to make to myself and to my life. There are a lot of changes that I want but I know I need to learn more about what those changes specifically are and how to make them…if that makes sense. And then sometimes I worry I don’t understand myself enough. That there are changes that need to be made, but I’m totally unaware that I’m making mistakes or need some improvement in an area.

"I didn't see the change,
And isn't it all so strange?
We turn our heads from side to side,
Missing what's right before our eyes.
We're getting closer every day.
I didn't see the change."

Sometimes changes blindside us. They happen before we even realize things were shifting. There is no happy ending like in The Neverending Story because we will never fully understand ourselves. Or anyone else. We just have to make do as best we can and hope it all turns out alright. And have to keep ourselves from going crazy with all the questions.

You know what they say, "the destination is the journey" and "the question is more important than the answer," blah blah. You'll make yourself dizzy if you keep walking in circles. I will never know all the answers, and I don't want to waste time trying to find them. I want to have fun. And be surrounded by loved ones. If I can simplify it greatly, I know what I want.


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