Thursday, March 1, 2007

Shifting When the Wind Blows

I am so that girl, that 'the grass is always greener' girl. I wonder sometimes if I can ever be happy where I am. I mean, sometimes, it's a serious, genuine concern of mine. When I was living in NYC, I loved it, I was happy, but then I started visiting home a little more frequently. And I had a boyfriend back in Knoxville too. We broke up, but I hoped it would someday work out, you know, the way you always do.

Then, one of my best friends said she needed me, and I knew it was true. Plus, I thought it'd be fun to move back home and live there for a few months before school. And it was. It was a fun summer. The first two months were hard, though, I was homesick for New York. I found that I didn't like Knoxville as much anymore, it wasn't the way I remembered it. But soon enough, I was moving onto another adventure that I was sure would be great.

Grad school in Athens was great. I couldn't have imagined anything better. I loved every minute of that sweet little college town. I love it as much now as I did then, and I never had a moment where I didn't love living there. But my days were numbered, and before I knew it, I was moving on again. That was a tough choice. I was trying to decide between New York and Atlanta. Two totally different towns, two divergent paths. I ultimately chose Atlanta. It was closer to home, it was a lot of fun, and there was love there. But...

I was miserable. I lived there for a total of 9 months and 10 days. Ew ew! The traffic made me want to crash my car into the interstate divider or run it off into an embankment. My job was tedious, pointless and felt like a waste of my time and intelligence. My friends there were fun and nice, but none of them were people I couldn't live without. Don't even get me started on the lifesucking relationship.

So when the opportunity again arose to bust loose and move onto another place, another life, I took it. I moved to DC with no job, a few close friends (who got me through!) and a room in an apartment full of strangers. But I found "the" job, the one I'd always wanted. I made some irreplaceable friends, found a kickass townhouse apartment in a neighborhood I love, and things are good.

So why am I looking back again? Why do I think things would be different if I moved back to Georgia? Why do I think that anything would be better that all I'm enjoying now? I think what I get caught up in is looking back and looking forward. You can't see in two directions at the same time. You'll end up running into something and falling.

I want to live the life I've imagined! Go in the direction of my dreams! I just don't know which direction they're in. Or what that imagined life really is like. I want my cake and want to eat it too. I'm so full of it. I talk a big game - "live in the moment," "enjoy each day like its your last," "carpe diem!" - but in the end, I spend a lot of time looking back and looking ahead.

Since I moved to DC, I've started to play a little game with myself. Every once in awhile, I have a night or a moment that I want to treasure because it's a brief bit of pure happiness and peace. I'm trying to collect those memories in my mind and remind myself of them. Because I've been miserable before, I know what it feels like to hate your daily life and now that I'm in a better place (in so many ways!), I want to appreciate those moments of bliss. And when I'm having days like today, when I'm looking back at the good memories of the past, I hold the most recent memories, the DC memories, in front of me. To remind me of where I am now. And why it isn't half bad.


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