Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Bread Feeds the Body, But Flowers Feed the Soul

I broke up with someone the day before Valentine’s Day. We didn’t have plans, I don’t like to celebrate it. I find it so insincere. A forced expression of affection is never heartfelt. It’s always so disappointing, such a letdown because it has these huge unrealistic expectations of passion and romance – two forces that cannot be predicted or controlled.

I broke up with someone because again, I am in a place that he is not. He’s not ready. He has shit to sort through, things to figure out. He needs to grow up!!

Why do they tell children they’ll find someone and get married one day? What do “they” know? Only like 50% of adults in this country are married. “They” don’t know shit about my future. Or yours. It all seems so arbitrary and coincidental. You can’t plan for it – you’ll go crazy if you try. I mean, really, what are the odds that you’ll find that one person in the world who’s just right for you? They’re not in our favor.

I just want someone to show up. To fucking have it together and be ready. But I want the grand gestures and all that passion and romance too. I’m tired of always being the muse. I’m tired of always being the teacher. I just want a partner. Or to be fully satisfied without, which is entirely possible.

I wish someone never filled my head with all the fantasies and fairy tales. I want to tell kids the truth:

“You might get married, you might not. You might stay married, you might not. But no matter what happens in life – be enough for yourself. That’s all that matters.”

I’m tired of feeling bad for being stable and strong and together and strong. Fucking strong. When other people aren’t, I should feel bad for them and stop punishing myself for someone else’s inadequacies or failures.

When I was in college, my good friend, Fun Robbie (totally the most fun person ever) told me I was the Free Fallin' girl. He said I was the girl guys want to commit to and want to marry, and that then scares the shit out of them so they run for the hills. That has been the most common scenario of my love life. Guys not ready for me, not ready to commit, scared because they're not ready for the feelings they feel for me. Geez, it's friggin' lame. Aren't you dudes too old to still be pullin' that crap? Grow up already. You're missing out on a lot of fun.

And this most recent guy told me that I had my shit so together and was so sure of who I am that it was intimidating and made him realize he had to figure his life out. Yeah, it was obvious from the start he wasn't the one, but it was fun to have someone cool to hang out with. After someone says that, though, what choice do you have? Peace out, yo, good luck. This Valentine’s Day, I just want someone who knows what they want and who they are to just show up.

Every time, I have a dinner party, I buy myself flowers. I love flowers. Daisies are always my favorite. And white roses for special occasions. I buy myself flowers for Valentine’s Day, my birthday and any ol’ Tuesday when I need a pick-me-up. Because if I don’t, who the hell else will.

I like flowers. I want flowers. And that’s something I can give myself. I can’t satisfy all my wants and needs. But I believe it’s time to prepare myself for a lifetime of finding ways to feed my own soul.

** I wrote this several hours ago and just posted it now. In between, I went on a date with a nice boy who just doesn’t really do it for me. I’m not going out with him again, but he did bring me flowers. Just goes to show you how arbitrary it all really is…


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