Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Before The Streets Are Cleared

This moment is perfection. I am sitting in my warm, soft bed with my sweet puppy sleeping at my feet, and I’m looking out at the most beautiful scene. It’s snowing outside my window. A blanket of white is covering the streets, the cars, the steps of the colonial brick rowhouses, even the tiny branches of the big, bare tree next to my room. I just saw someone walking their little dog. And I can see the perfect white dome of the capitol building peeking steadfastly through the trees.

I don’t know what it is for me with this city and snow, but it is the most beautiful when it is covered in wintry white. It makes me pause and appreciate the moment. Tomorrow, when I wake up, the snow will be sludgy and will be scraped off the street. But tonight, right now, it’s peaceful and untouched.

I have no idea what’s going to happen in my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever find what I’m looking for. I don’t know if I’ll figure things out or choose the right paths. Will I pick the right guy? Will I get married at all? Will I teach? Where will I live? Will I be happy? One of my closest friends tells me every once in awhile, when he knows I need to hear it again, “You’re gonna have a great life.”

I hope he’s right, but I just don’t know.

We spend so much time trying to find the answers, waiting for the next thing to happen – waiting for him to call, waiting to see him again, waiting to meet “him,” waiting for the weekend, waiting for the next big payoff…waiting for whatever it is that we think is so wonderful and great that hasn’t happened yet – but in all that waiting and looking to the future, we miss so much.

And for whatever reason, snow brings me back to the moment. The current. Even now, as I type, my mind is struggling to stay in the moment. I’m thinking about tomorrow, about next week, about next month. I’m thinking about the pains of the past, trying to make sense of things that have already happened and wondering what that means for what is yet to come.

But there is a reason for everything; I have faith that in the end, I’ll know the answers and I’ll understand the past. One day, I’ll be able to look back at my life and everything will be clear to me. Until that day comes, there’s no sense wasting so much time thinking about anything other than this perfect moment. Because before I know it, it’ll be gone…


template by