Sunday, September 21, 2008

One Day at a Time

Uh oh, friends. I kissed a boy. Well truthfully, he kissed me after two failed attempts, and I eventually stopped dodging and kissed back. I don’t even know why I kissed him except that I was tired of saying “no” and was curious. I shouldn't have kissed because it's not right to kiss someone when you don't feel much of anything for them and know they feel a lot for you.

You see, he told me he loved me. When someone tells you they love you for the first time, it’s a beautiful and special thing. But all I could do was smile back because I love him, but just not that way. I can’t love right now. And I can’t handle being loved right now. I can’t handle any of this right now.

I realized a couple months ago that I don’t want a boyfriend. Actually I had felt that way for awhile, but didn’t know why until then. I realized that I don’t want a boyfriend because I couldn’t handle being in a relationship right now. I would be a shitty girlfriend. I don’t want to be loved right now or to love because I don’t want to think about anyone else but me. I don’t want to open up to someone when I really wouldn’t want to or feel bad for hurting his feelings for not leaning on him or any of the other crap that would come from having someone intimately in my life right now.

And I think that’s okay.

I was thinking the other day about regrets. I don’t know if my grandfather died with any regrets, but I hope not. I never had regrets before, but in the past three or so years, I’ve accumulated three. I don’t think they’re major or will plague me on my deathbed, but as for now, they’re stinging and real.

I know that these three mistakes have made me who I am today, in this moment. But I still regret them. They’re not life-altering mistakes, but they fill my stomach with pain and guilt every time I think about them. I’m embarrassed they happened because I know they shouldn’t have. I don’t believe that every mistake can or should be avoided, but these could have and should have been.

The only peace I can find in those three situations is that I understand why I made the mistakes. And each of the reasons I made them are qualities about myself that I love and am not ashamed of. Though these qualities often lead me to make mistakes, though they lead to disappointment and pain sometimes, they are qualities that are integral to the me that I love and know.

And loving me and taking care of me is hard enough right now so it’s okay that there’s just not room for anyone else. I'm not saying that kissing this someone is a regret, just a momentary one. The difference is it's a little one and one I can forgive myself for because I stopped it from becoming a big one. I know I am not quite myself right now.

Which is why I could not give myself to anyone right now. And I would only want to be in a relationship with someone who I could love and respect as much as he deserves, who I could give back to as much as I take in from. Love is hard enough when both people are at the top of their game that starting a love when one of them is broken is exhaustingly difficult and just not good.

Do you have regrets? Or is it just me?


Rebecca Jo said...

Oh, I think everyone lives with regrets! And speaking from experience, regrets can hurt a life time but they leave you with life lessons. Just dont let a past regret hold you back from your future though!

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