The Night I Almost Hooked Up With a Tongue-Ring

Last night, a friend of mine recounted his best drunk stories – the weirdest, wildest things that have ever happened to him while drunk. I laughed til my cheeks hurt. But I was feeling a little sad that my stories aren't as awesome. My stories are usually, "Oh wow, I got so drunk. Some guy talked to me, and he was so lame. It was funny."

But really, I should give myself a little more credit than that. I have had some interesting nights out on the town. And I'd like to tell one such story now. Though to be totally truthful, I confess that I probably wouldn't have hooked up with the tongue-ring because he's a bartender, but damn. He was hot and tempting. Not to mention how hot and tempting that tongue-ring was...

It was a Saturday in Washington, DC. E begged me to go to a concert with her and some friends. The concert was for a band I’d never heard of, but still sounded like more fun than dinner at the terrible Italian place on 8th Street with my roommate so I said, “Count me in.”

6:03 pm – I show up at her place and realize I only know one other person. The rest of the group is such a random mix of people that I honestly couldn’t make it up if I tried. We’re with a War Hero/Nobel Peace Prize Winner, the woman who used to be in the Dixie Chicks until Natalie Whoever showed up and booted her the fuck out and the very conservative daughter of the owner of the ranch where Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face.

Nobel was totally mellow and awesome, as you would expect. Probably also high on some really good pot. Dixie was this 40 year old hippie chick with long hair and one of those long flowery dresses on. The Republican is wearing a high necked dress she bought at a Mormon Rummage Sale and chunky ass shoes from 1996. I think I saw Rachel wear them on a Friends episode.

6:12 pm – We were instructed not to mention “the band,” but Dixie sings “Wide Open Spaces” twice, while we awkwardly look around at each other.

6:20 pm – We were also instructed not to mention Republicans, Bush, Cheney or anything about shooting someone in the face. The Republican mentions she’s “job-hunting.” We awkwardly look around at each other at the mention of the word “hunting.”

8:55 pm – The concert was fun and uneventful, although it turned out Nobel knew the band. Not surprising, really, since he spent last Thanksgiving at Bruce Springsteen’s house. Question: Does the Boss always get to carve the turkey because he’s the Boss?

9:01 pm – We leave the concert, and Nobel takes us all to the Ritz Carlton, where he lives, and buys champagne and chocolates.

10:25 pm – E and I sneak out after our second glass of champagne just as Dixie and Nobel were getting cozy and the Republican was looking uncomfortable…per usual.

10:30 pm - The night is still young so we meet up with two bartender friends, Irish and Young. Both are wicked hot and wicked drunk by the time we catch up with them. We start barhopping around to all the neighborhood places. Every time we walk into a bar, Irish and Young had friends there working who gave us drinks. It was like a Free Pub Crawl. Hooray for friends with hook ups!

11:16 pm – Two shots and a beer chugging contest later, we are all absolutely annihilated.

11:57 pm – Uh oh. Our creepy friend Liar Liar shows up. Months later, we learned she was a pathological liar, who got fired from her job for stealing from the company. Guess she was dumb too. We’ll call her LL for short. LL tries to crash our party, but her bitchy pout is a total buzz-kill. We leave her and sneak off to another bar.

12:11 am – A crazy girl comes around from the corner of a doorway and leeches onto Irish. He ignores her as she uses his arm to keep herself upright and whispers drunken nonsense into his ears. Even monkeys are better at standing up straight than this girl. I think she’s drooling. We leave before finishing our drinks and scuttle off to get away from her.

12:14 am – Irish and E are flirting up a storm and can’t keep their hands off each other. Young and I are…getting to know each other. Finally, a reward for being a good wingwoman. Karma loves me.

12:23 am – Tequila shots all around. My stomach gurgles.

12:46 am – Irish shouts out something about E’s fine ass and smacks her so hard the bartender’s hand jerked while he’s pouring. E howls, and Irish cackles.

12:48 am – We head to the bathroom to assess the damage. Yikes. Big red handprint on her small white ass cheek. Ouch. But she’s hopeful it’s a sign she’ll get some (less painful) ass later.

12:53 am – We get back to the bar to find more shots awaiting. My stomach lurches. Or possibly is jumping for joy? Hard to tell.

1:20 am – Young and I dance to the jukebox. I think I’m a good dancer, but don’t notice when the song changes from 50 Cent to Nirvana. Tequila may not be good for rhythm.

1:47 am – We head back to the bar we just left. Where LL is still creepily hiding out. Buzzzz kill. Did I mention she’s overweight and told us she was dating a major Hollywood celebrity? Weirdo.

1:51 am – I think I spot Crazy making a beeline for Irish, but someone takes her out the door. I get distracted by something shiny before I can whisper to E.

2:02 am – More shots. Young is holding my hand, stroking my back.

2:28 am – Young and I argue about what the best Van Morrison song is (Tupelo Honey). He grabs my ass. I let him.

3:03 am – I tell Irish I want some of his Coca-Cola, only to discover he's drinking Jager from a pint glass. I have never seen anyone do this before and suddenly believe everything I’ve ever heard about the Irish.

4:34 am – The bartenders finish cleaning up and want to go home.

4:37 am – We talk them into one more shot, then stumble out onto the street.

4:45 am – Ugh. LL picks a fight with E. I forgot she was even still there.

4:52 am – Irish tries to negotiate a peace treaty and gets caught in the scuffle too. Young and I make out. He has a tongue-ring. I love Karma.

4:54 am – Irish yells at E as LL surveys the destruction she created. Out of the shadows, Crazy pops up. How does she keep doing this? I am convinced she is a witch. Or a vampire. She starts slurring drunk words at Irish, trying to coax him home with her cuz she needs it good.

4:57 am – Young breaks free from me, runs to Irish’s side, and somehow they ditch Crazy.

4:58 am – We keep walking. Irish and E have made up, but now LL is skulking, planning her next wave of attack.

5:02 am – Young is trying to convince me to go home with him. I’m wondering what my defense would be if E killed LL, and I wasn’t there to stop her. I decide, “He’s so hot!” might not work, but “He has a tongue-ring!” would be one that anyone would understand.

5:03 am – Irish, E and LL start fighting again. I am too drunk to follow the complicated who-did-what-to-whom and make out with Young again.

5:05 am – Suddenly, we turn a corner, and Crazy comes out of nowhere again (Witch! Witch!). She tries to drag Irish home with her by the arm and starts yanking him down the street.

5:06 am – Young apologizes to me before rushing Irish into the first cab that passes. It all happens so fast that we don’t know what happened. Except that Irish and Young just left us on a dark, empty street with Crazy.

5:08 am – Crazy saunters crookedly on and announces she’s going to Irish’s apartment, where they will have sex. E and I exchange a glance and burst into laughter. E informs Crazy that Irish is long gone and that he does not want her skanky ass. Crazy says she has keys to his place.

5:10 am – Intrigued, we follow to see if she’s Crazy or if he is.

5:13 am – Irish is not as slutty (or perhaps just not as stupid) as we think he is, and Crazy cannot get into his apartment. We leave her on the street, screaming his name, knowing that he is safely stowed away at Young’s apartment. Where I am not enjoying his tongue-ring.

5:15 am – LL tells E that everyone has keys to Irish’s apartment. LL says she has keys. She just doesn’t have them with her. E is not sure who is to blame for not hooking up with Irish – Crazy or LL – but she is hopping mad that she’s not getting hot Irish ass. She tells LL that she is a crazy person and is not dating a major Hollywood celebrity. Nor does she have keys to Irish’s apartment. LL is mad at E for not supporting her pathetic fucked-up relationship with Asshole. Asshole likes fucking LL, but does not want her to have his babies. He doesn’t admit they’re dating when asked.

5:28 am – E and I ditch LL on the sidewalk shouting that the Hollywood celebrity is totally into her, she’s just not into him. Just like we left Crazy shouting a block away to be carted off by the police, which the neighbors surely called on her.

5:31 am – I am mad that I missed out on some hot tongue-ring action and stumble home alone. The sun is coming up. Oh, Karma, you got me again.