Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A Coin With Too Many Sides

How do people make decisions? When I was young, sometimes I would pray really hard and flip a coin. Seriously. Not that I made any major decisions back then, but I always felt like God would control fate if I just prayed hard enough.

I think that God expects us to make our own decisions. As well He should. It's just so dang hard. Though I don't have any major life-altering decision to make right now, right this second, I feel one coming soon. Do I want to go back to school? I think yes.

But then I spend a weekend in New York and wonder why I don't live there anymore. That always happens when I go back to that city, and I wonder if it always will. I had so much fun there. I would be broker than broke, of course, if I ever moved back. But that reality rarely surfaces when I fantasize about moving back. In those fantasies, I'm well-paid, well-dressed and I'm the fun, saavy city girl I feel like on the inside. I forget so quickly what it was like not to have a closet or a washing machine or even a dishwasher. I had terrible apartments when I lived there, and I tell myself that if I lived in Williamsburg or even Hoboken, it would be better. But do I really have the energy for all that again?

And what about school? I've been thinking for a couple years now about going back and teaching. I think I'd be a good teacher, and since I graduated, I miss learning. I read textbooks just for fun now. But after my preliminary search, it seems that the most best matches for me are back in Georgia. Do I really want to move back there again? Athens I could do, but Atlanta, well, I still have a beef with that city. And I barely have friends left there. The closest friend I have in Atlanta has been trying to move up to DC for months. Is that really the best way to make a decision, though? Based upon the vibe I get from a city and whether or not I have enough close friends there? Especially when I should really be focusing on what SCHOOL is best, not what city.

But I really do looove DC. I love my job, my friends, my life up here is good. I'm happy. Do I really want to tempt fate and move back to that land of unhappy memories? Or tempt fate in any way by changing what's already working out so well? But the job won't last forever. And friends sometimes move. A few are already talking about it. My closest friends are with me no matter where I go, and the others sometimes feel like activities. That's a terrible thing to say, but I guess I mean that a lot of friends are just fun-friends, right? People that we hang out with and drink with maybe and laugh with? But not friends who know your soul. I'm getting off my point here.

How do you make decisions? How do I convince yourself that time is on my side with this one? I guess that in some ways, even when it's not true, I feel like I'm running out of time. Or that I'm playing against it. I think that the reason you can't flip a coin to make a decision when you're adult is that adult decisions just have too many sides.


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