Buried.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I had to write something to get this all out of me, but I don't know...I wanted to bury it. Maybe in a few weeks or months, I'll resurrect this post, but as for now, I'd rather it be one that people didn't see. It's too personal, too mucky.

I have bad days and good days. Today is a bad day. I've cried a few times today. I cried once on Sunday. Once last Tuesday at a gas station actually. I even choked up in class last Monday night. I'm not used to this whole crying thing. But it's been pretty hard to control, and I don't know...I don't even want to. I do just want to feel it and let myself feel it.

I hate it when people ask me if I'm okay. I know they're trying to be nice, they're showing they care, I know it comes from a good place, but I can still hate it. No. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be okay, but I really hate repeating over and over again that I am not okay. I hurt. A lot. And it really seems like that should just be common sense. I lost my favorite person. I will never hug him or talk to him again or hear him laugh or hear him call me "precious." Never again. And I am not okay.

I'm afraid to sleep. I can't sleep. I toss and turn and stress all night. I think it makes me feel alone. So I surround myself with pillows and stuffed animals. I let my dog sleep with me. I try to trick myself into feeling safe and protected enough to sleep.

Every week, I go out of town. I have to surround myself with the people that love me. I have to see them and hug them and be around them. And all that makes me feel safe and loved. I have to be reminded that I'm not as alone as I feel, I guess that's part of it. I want to distract myself too. And I want to feel good and alive.

But then I leave and I go back to this little apartment I've been neglecting for weeks. I go back to this pain, and I go back to being alone. I am alone in this. I am loved and blessed and there is no end to the people that I could call, but at the end of the day, I am alone. I sleep alone. I eat alone. I cry alone. And I cannot help but feel like this is something I cannot handle alone.

In movies where someone dies, movies about hope and healing, the person grieving always finds love. They deal with their pain and their tragedy, but there's usually someone there with them to help them get through it all. Yes, I know life is not a movie. But sometimes I think it would be nice if it were.

I could really use you right now. I feel like you miss out on a lot of fun, fun weddings and parties, fun nights out on the town. You're missing all the big moments and the little ones too. But I hate that you're missing this. I need you now. I need hugs and love and affection. I need to know I am not alone.

I have to admit that I am a little shocked about how candid and open I'm being right now, but I take comfort in knowing this will be buried somewhere. I feel a little buried myself actually. It just helps to be honest and say what is hard to say.