Monday, January 19, 2004

So Fresh and So Clean, Clean

I was taking a bath today when I realized I ran out of soap. Some girlfriends of mine had given me a "Naughty Girls Kit" for Christmas as a joke which contained a bar of "Wash My Sins Away" soap so I grabbed that and used it. I started thinking about the idea of being able to wash sins or mistakes away and start over again fresh, clean with new skin for a new future. Wouldn't it be great to have soap like that that could erase away any great regrets you have or any poor decisions you made in the past?

I don't know how many times I've wanted to go back in time to fix mistakes I've made. Sometimes a really bad mistake can change the course of your life forever. You think to yourself, "If I had only done this instead, things would be better now." Because we always think that different is always better. We are shaped by the choices we make. While sometimes we do something we may regret, in the end there's a chain reaction that helped to develop you into the individual that you are today. Still, all that optimism is comforting, but is it really true?

My mother says that I think I'm like a cat with nine lives. She says that I move around too much to different cities and switch jobs too much as though I think I can have a whole new life if I just change one thing around like geography. Perhaps it's my hope that there is some kind of magical soap that can give me a fresh start and make me a better person that keeps me changing my life around all the time.

I'm dissatisfied with my life right now at this moment so instead of working on whatever current problem may be troubling me, I think that if I change something, then I'll feel better about my life. I spend too much time thinking about how the mistakes I've made have affected my life in all these catastrophic ways and blame myself when things aren't going the way I think they should. And not enough time living in the present.

"Maybe the past is like an anchor that holds us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were in order to become who you will be." Maybe that magical soap is a state of mind we have to reach to find peace with ourselves and our lives.


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