Monday, January 12, 2004

Fast Food

So I was watching "Sex and the City," the one where Samantha dates the guy with the really small dick. She adores him, but has to ditch him because physically he can't please her. I'm not saying size matters because, well, let's face it, I wouldn't know...yet. But I do know physical compatibility matters.

I have a friend from high school who converted to Christianity in college, which is wonderful, but I don't exactly agree with everything about the church she joined. They don't believe in dating. They believe in "courting." Which means no kissing, no touching, and no fun. I can understand the respectability and the morality involved in saving all of that for your wedding night (or the janitor's closet at the reception hall), but it's not for me. Or for most people. Because physical compatibility matters.

The thing is that it's all a mystery for so long. Sure, plenty of people rush to the sack before the first dinner and a movie date, but some time still goes by before the inevitable first romp in the sack. So much goes undiscovered until that first twisted night under the covers. This person might be your ideal. They might do all the little Puritanistic pleasures that you love like petting your hair, scratching your back or holding the small of your back to lead you into a room.

But that same person could make all your worst nightmares come true once you get them in the bedroom. Maybe you want to take some Nair to his back. Maybe she doesn't shave - down there. Maybe his penis is so small you wonder if it's even hard. Maybe her breasts are surprisingly tiny after she takes off her Victoria's Secret water bra. Maybe he bites your nipples...too hard. Maybe she bites your shoulder...too hard. You just never know that your perfect person could cause a perfectly torturous experience.

Then there's all the sexual qualities they need to possess. I mean, fellas, if women can have multiple orgasms, why are you just giving us one? And ladies, guys enjoy a little oral every now and then too so try to be as generous as you expect them to be. Certain skills are involved. Some men are bad at some really bad. But by the same token, some women are pretty awful too. Practice makes perfect.

Why can't it be like ordering a meal from McDonald's? Would you like fries with that? Yes, super sized. I'd like a quarter pounder, hold the lettuce. Life would be so much simpler if people had sexual menus you could choose from. You know, just put it all out in the open posted so everyone could see and could pick exactly what wanted.

"I like giving blow jobs." "I once gave a woman seven orgasms. In 45 minutes." And you could give sizes too, to avoid any misunderstandings. 34 B. 6 1/2 inches. It would make things go so much more smoothly if everyone was honest like that. You wouldn't have to try out so many bad pieces of meat to figure out which one on the menu was right for you.

Of course...mistakes can be fun. And they make for great stories. Ohhh...fuck it. Let's just all get out there and make some more funny stories. As my friend Walter says, "Don't be dumb, get you some."


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