Thursday, December 3, 2009

T.M.I. Thursday

I have a hilariously inappropriate story to share. (That's a good way to start a post, isn't it?)

To begin with, I live in Georgia, and Georgia is full of icky germy allergy-inducing things. I started taking Allegra-D a few months ago, and it rocks my world. Usually taking just one pill a day works well, but lately I've needed one in the morning and one at night. Anyone who owns a TV knows that prescription drugs have lots of yummy side effects, and one common for Allegra is dry mouth. The thing is "dry mouth" doesn't just mean your mouth is dry...it means other things might lack moisture as well.

Are you following me?

Now I am a girl with a healthy sexual appetite, and thankfully, with a boyfriend quite adept at satisfying said appetite. We have zero problems in the bedroom, and honestly, that's another first for me. Since I enjoy my intimate moments with him so much, I didn't want to let a pesky thing like allergy medicine stand in the way. A friend recommended...and here's where we get personal...KY inserts. They're actually really great. You just use them every four days or so, or while you're taking 2 allergy pills a day, and everything goes smoothly.

There are two kids of inserts. Liquibeads which are like little tiny eggs, and then there's an applicator pre-filled with translucent goop. I've used the beads a couple times, but you get 6 in a box, and they're expensive. For a dollar more, you can buy the pre-filled applicators and get 8 in a box. I'm all for saving money so I decided to try those.

The thing is that I couldn't figure out how to put the applicator together. I know, I'm getting a Ph.D., I should be able to handle this. But seriously! Those drawings are confusing! It's like they're made by IKEA and should come with an allen wrench or something.

So there I am. In the bathroom yesterday - shirt on, pants off. With the instructions lying on the counter in front of me and two pieces of the applicator in my hands. I put them together just like the drawing shows, but the bottom half falls out on the floor. I pick it up, wash it off, and try to insert it again, looking at it closely to make sure the pieces are fitting together right...

And I literally shot myself in the face with lube. It got in my eye and went up my nose.

I felt like I was in a Ben Stiller movie. I had goop all over me. In my hair, on my shirt, and oh yeah, all over my freaking face. The worst was it really burned my eye! And it was hard to wash out! Cuz it's lube and didn't wash out right away with water. I think my eyeball absorbed the lube! I am such a walking disaster. Though when I decide to write a raunchy comedy, that scene is totally going in it.

Thankfully, after I cleaned myself up and re-applied my make-up, the second try worked like a charm. And I made sweet, wet love to my boyfriend that night. Though my nose did feel weird all day like I accidentally snorted water at the pool.

7 comments:

pinkjellybaby said...

but....doesn't it all just drip out during the day?

Penny Lane said...

Good question! The liquibeads do a little but I just wear a light, thin liner and that takes care of that. Interestingly, if you can figure out how to put the applicators together, the pre-filled ones don't drip at all. I should write a sex column...

mhjozwiak said...

OMG! If I wasn't next to 2 napping toddlers right now, I'd be laughing SO LOUD. But rest assured, on the inside I am. So funny!

CarrieAnn said...

I am picturing this entire scene, and I am laughing so hard at you! Brave post!

Date Girl said...

Hahhaa, wow, just WOW! I could totally see myself doing that. Those inserts sound interesting. Definitely better than the oh so unromantic reach for the lube.

Laundramatic said...

Oh god, knowing how clumsy i can be... i'll take your story as a warning to never buy those applicator-ma-jigs!

Jen Kucsak said...

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