Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I Don't Want to be the Susan Boyle of Academia...Though At Least She Made It Eventually...

I didn't sleep well last night. Before I climbed into bed, I submitted a paper abstract for a conference. A major, really awesome, very big deal conference.

Last spring, I submitted two papers for two conferences. And got rejected. Ouch.

A couple months ago, I submitted an abstract for a hugely impressive conference for a large, very popular academic association. It's such a tough conference to get into that renowned scholars even get rejected so I don't hold out much hope that a lowly little grad student like me will be accepted. I'll receive notification in a few weeks, but I'm ok with getting rejected from this one.

The one I submitted to last night, though...I really want. I was so nervous about my submission that I tossed and turned all night, editing the abstract in my sleep. By the time I woke up this morning, I was convinced I made major errors and submitted a poorly structured abstract that didn't do a good enough job of explaining my research project. But there's nothing that can be done about it now. You win some, you lose some.

Growing up, I really struggled with self-esteem. I went through some things as a kid that were hard on my confidence level. I've worked hard to overcome that and build up my self-confidence, but I still waiver.

It's a daily internal struggle. I feel like I'm constantly fighting with myself. I posted last week that I'll be submitting to at least four conferences this fall. I really don't want this process to become some awful self-defeating prophecy. I really want at least one or two successes. I know that won't fix all my problems and that real change will only happen when it starts within myself, but a push in the right direction will certainly help more than it'll hurt. Fingers crossed!


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