Friday, March 5, 2004

Wvuuu to you too!

I am a twenty-five year old virgin. That's right. I'm a dinosaur, about to go extinct because there just aren't many of us left these days. Actually, I'd like to be extinct, but come on, after holding out this long, I'm not gonna give it up for just anyone.

I'm not gonna lie to you, it's tough out there. I keep getting dumped when guys find out my nasty little secret is I'm not so nasty. I guess it's because I'm meeting the wrong men. I don't meet the ones that are looking for a nice girl to take home to mom. I meet the ones that are looking to have sex next week. "Oh? So I'm not gonna get sex on Tuesday?" Wvuuuu! Out the door faster than you can say, "Trojan Maaan!"

And what exactly am I supposed to do about that anyway? When a guy introduces himself and asks if he can buy me a drink, should I respond with, "Hi. My name is ____. And I'm a virgin." Not really the conversation starter. And I doubt I would end up getting that drink. So what are my alternatives then? Wait a few weeks or a month until he says, "You are so hot, I can't wait to make love to you." And then say, "Aww, thanks, you're hot too...but you're not gonna. Na na na boo boo." Again...wvuuu! Out the door!

It's a tough, tough world out there for us dinosaur virgins. I mean, you've got "Sex and the City." What do I have? "Hugging in the City?" I don't think Manolo Blahnik would donate their shoes to that snooze fest.

And having bare feet isn't the only reason. Nobody wants to see a gal in bed by herself. I used to sleep with a teddy bear for comfort, you know, but after awhile that wasn't enough so I started sleeping with a bear the size of my torso. Again, after awhile, it was a poor substitute for a man so now I sleep with that big ass bear on my small ass couch where I pretend that the pillows along my back are Johnny Depp. It makes for sweet dreams, sure, until I wake up gazing serenely into my dog's eyes and get a stinky kiss on the mouth by a mangy shih tzu. Not so sweet after all.

My mother says to lighten up, I'll find a guy someday. Hmph. She was also the one was told me the farmer doesn't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free, and I see lots of freaking farmers selling the farm to get one hot hefer. My mom does give kind advice, though amusing at times.
The last time we were discussing my virginal issues, she offered up an interesting perspective.

Another guy had told me that he needed to find out if he was sexually compatible with a girl before he fully committed himself to her...after which he kissed me on the forehead and yelled, "I'll talk to you later," while sprinting down my front steps. Wvuuu!

She said, "Well, that's just ridiculous. You can tell if you're sexually compatible with someone from the way they kiss. And after all, putting those two organs together isn't such a big deal because they always fit. It's finding two hearts that fit that's the hard part."

Thanks, Mom. I guess she's right in a way. Maybe all sex does is complicate an already complicated process. Then again, maybe I should have given that milk up for free. But either way, I figure I got a nice little filter out of all this, a way to find out who's really worth keeping around. Why do you think they make that "Wvuuuu" sound out the door? It's my bare foot kicking them in the woo-hoo.


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