Liar Liar, Pants on Fire!

Apparently...there's a reason those pants are blazin'...

A few years ago, my mom said to me, completely out of the blue, that liars go to hell. She said, "Did you know that? Did you know that liars go to hell? It's in the Bible." I was thinking, Oh no...what is she talking about? Did I lie to her recently? Did she find out about some lie I told when I was in high school? Where did this come from...

I just said, "Yeah, Mom, I know that..." And she said, "Well, I didn't! I was just reading the Bible last night and read it! There it was. I mean, I always knew that lying was bad, but didn't know that it said liars go to hell. But it's right there in the Bible." Later, my aunt and I were teasing my mom about something, and I learned she did the same thing to my aunt! And had her wondering where that was coming from and if she had lied recently.

Honesty is the most important thing to my mother, it always has been, and that verse validated feelings for her that she'd always had. She passed those feelings down to me. No matter what, honesty is the most important. Be honest in relationships, be open and truthful with those you love, live your life with honesty and tell the truth at all costs.

When I was little, I think I was 7 or 8, my father was briefly married to a woman named Jane who had a spoiled daughter named Chelsea. We didn't get along that well. She was a jealous child - always taking the toys I was playing with even when she didn't want to play with them, wanting whatever I had, always vying for attention. She had a little crown thing with a veil that she used to wear around the house (she really thought she was a princess), and one day she cried to her mother that it was broken. Her mom got angry because she had a temper problem and I guess the stupid thing cost a few bucks. She asked how it got broken. Chelsea said I did it.

So Jane asked me, "Did you break Chelsea's crown?" I said no, and she asked again. Then I thought, Well, the room is messy...maybe I did it by accident? So I, very truthfully, said, "I don't think I did it. But it's possible that I might have stepped on it by accident and just didn't know I broke it." And that was seen as an admission of guilt so I got timeout for the afternoon. I cried and cried. I remember being so confused because I was just telling the truth like my mom said. Later, Chelsea told me she broke it. She was a little bitch.

While my mom is right, it is most important to always be truthful and honest, sometimes you're not rewarded for doing the right thing. Sometimes you're even punished. My former roommate is not an honest person. She told me things she did to other people that they never knew about. She told me about telling people one thing, but actually thinking or feeling another. She told me things that she wouldn't tell most people, which is good I guess, but it means that her other friends don't really know her. I can understand, of course, why she wouldn't tell people those things because they'd think the thoughts I do - that she's not nice or considerate.

It hurts me, though, that she acts one way when she's just around me than when other people are around. She puts on a show for people, and they fall for it. Dishonest people can charm the world, but not forever. That's what I tell myself anyway. Though you know what my mom says...

We're All in This Together

We are all connected. We all affect each other. There's a commercial that I love, I don't even know what it's advertising, but it shows one person doing something small and nice for another person. Like a man drops something, and another man picks it up for him. And then I think someone's bike is tipping over so another person grabs it. Little things like that. It gives you the impression that you can spread kindness and compassion from one stranger to another.

Sort of like that terrible Pay It Forward movie where the nice kid dies at the end. Who wants to be nice if some weirdo ends up shooting you? Great message there...

It's true, I think, that strangers can affect each other's moods in little ways. If a stranger happens to say or do something out of the ordinary, it can brighten my day. On the other hand, if a stranger is unnecessarily harsh, that feeling can stick with me throughout the day too.

It works the same with friends. I had a terrible day on Tuesday. But a friend of mine needed some advice, I gave it, she took it and it really helped. And that made me feel useful and of value to the world. It may sound silly that I needed reminding, but that day, I did. And, like strangers, friends can also put a damper on your day and can spread their bad mood to you.

When that happens, I usually blame myself. That's my unhealthy reaction to everything. Though sometimes, it's valid. Is it my fault that I let myself be affected by someone else's mood? But aren't close friends supposed to feel each other like that? I don't know. I sometimes feel like there's something wrong with me. I take things too personally, I'm too sensitive. And that is true some of the time. Though not all the time.

The fact is that I know what my needs are. I've been able to work with people when I understand what they need. I had a boyfriend who used to have a hard time putting thoughts and feelings into words (ok how many boyfriends like that are there?!). But I knew that he would be able to, he just needed time to work through it all. I understood his needs, and though that wasn't what I would have preferred, I could work with that because I cared for him and wanted to meet his needs.

I know my needs. And though it may be unreasonable, I expect people to work with them. It's the give and take of compromise that has to really be worked out, though. Can I give up on this one thing or this one time because it's what someone else needs? And can they for me? I think things are okay as long as everything is reciprocal. You have to take care of yourself and the other person, though.

Everything is like that, isn't it? All give and take, push and pull, back and forth. We are all connected. And because of that, we've got to do our best to help each other and spread kindness and love. I try very hard not to let that happen, though I'm sure like everyone I make mistakes. I have a tough job, and some days are really rough, but I try not to bring others down too. All we can do is try. But we have to. We have to try.

Music says it better than I ever could...

woke up this morning
i suddenly realized
we're all in this together
i started smiling
cos you were smiling
and we're all in this together
i'm made of atoms
you're made of atoms
and we're all in this together
and long division
just doesn't matter
cos were all in this together

i saw you walking
in the city
we're all in this together
the city's changing
cos we are changing
and we're all in this together
every twelve seconds
someone remembers
that were all in this together
in the kitchen
of your rent-control apartment
we're all in this together

c'mon baby
i don't mean to rush you
i only wanted to reach out and touch you
i've gotta start to open my heart

i know you think
about jumping ship before it sinks
but we're all in this together
ask a scientist
its quantum physics
we're all in this together
and on the subway
we feel like strangers
but we're all in this together
yeah i love you and you love her
and she loves him
but we're all in this together

ya know baby
there's never been protection
in all the history of human connection
c'mon darling
it's alright to show me
you don't ever need to be lonely
once you start to open your heart

i saw you crying
i started crying
cos we're all in this together

Fantasizing About Strangers...

One thing I love about city life is interacting so much with strangers. When you drive everywhere, you end up only interacting with people you're driving to see or from seeing. But walking through busy streets and riding the train every day forces you to be around strangers.

Today, I was jamming out to a little Paolo Nutini when I noticed the guy sitting across from me on the Metro. He looked about my age, and was wearing black pants and a black shirt with the Capitol City Brewing Company logo on it. I've been there a few times so I assumed he was on his way to work. He was reading a copy of the Express and had a skateboard leaning against his legs. It had a skull on it with wings and those scary earrings people wear that look like bolts. Creepy.

I started wondering about this guy. What is his life like? Why is he a waiter in his mid20s? So I started imagining a life for him. A really cool one. With a girlfriend who has green hair and tattoos. And he's in a punk band. Trying to make it big. Or maybe he's an intern for some cool liberal group like MoveOn.org or TreePeople.

In imagining all these lives for this stranger, I was projecting my own fantasies onto him...and it was fun! I have all kinds of fantasy lives that keep my imagination entertained. I live in a punk band, I'm a crazy activist, I live in Austin and work in the music industry, I live in Chelsea and work at an art gallery, I live in London and oh, I don't care what I do, I live in London!

Then we got to Metro Center - his stop. And he exited the train. He had a little sticker stuck to his pants. They must have been new - it was the sticker that tells you the size. I almost reached up and ripped it off for him. Then I remembered we actually are strangers. And I decided to let his friend he writes comic books with take it off...

What's the World Got in Store?

There is a lot about life that I don't know. It makes me feel young and tells me that I am. I often wonder what will happen to me. What is in store for my life? Wonder if I'll make the right choices. Am I on the right path?

Part of the beauty of life is in its mysteries. I think it would be easier to relish that if I didn't feel like mystery is all I have. I am young. I haven't lived enough to see how the choices and paths really pan out in the long run. People tell you it'll all work out, but until your life is long enough to look back at several instances where it has in big ways, it's tough to have faith in that motto all the time.

Of course I have seen the bad fade into good. Of course. Many times over. But I want to get to a point where I can look behind me at the dots I've made connect and turn into something rich and beautiful.

Something I usually don't like thinking about is growing old. I'm vain and don't want all the wrinkles and fat. But that's not all you get with age. You get wisdom too. And I want that.

I pray for many future moments of looking back at my life with pride and satisfaction. Come what may, I wanna feel that I've done right and good. I wanna believe what they say.

Close your eyes and go to sleep, baby
Take your head off your feet, honey
Cause you've been working hard and I know you're tired
You been trying hard not to think I'm a liar

What's the world got in store?
What's the world got in store for you?
What's the world got in store for you now?

Come on baby somehow, I need you
Do I have to show you how, baby?

I'm not trying to knock you out
Or was it about
I just know you need your rest
But I can't say what's best for you

You've been working hard and I know you're tired
I've been trying hard not to feel like a liar

What's the world got in store?
What's the world got in store for you?
What's the world got in store for you now?

In Between

In some ways, I am a difficult person. But I bring those difficulties upon myself. It's my own fault. Sometimes I almost feel self-destructive and unable to stop once things get going.

I went to a concert last night. It was awesome, I love the band, one of my favorites. The music is full of passion and feeling and inspires and uplifts me every time I hear it. The venue was not the best - a college basketball arena, as a matter of fact. There were no assigned seats with all tickets being for general admission only.

For the opening band, I picked a seat for my friend and I on the sidelines. In a corner somewhere hidden between parents who came because their kids wanted to and adolescents who are too young to really comprehend the meaning behind those poetic lyrics I love so much. It was comfortable, and we were rebellious and snuck in alcohol (college arena=no booze allowed) so we really did need a hiding place to discreetly pour our airplane bottles of vodka into our sodas.

But we were on the side. In the corner. Away from the excitement and fervor that is a rock and roll show.

In between acts, we decided we needed a better view. So we walked down to the floor and made our way through the crowd. We winded around people to find our spot in the middle. We zigzagged into every hole we could find. It was easy. There were lots of little holes for two small ladies such as ourselves, and we finally settled on a spot.

From this spot, we could see the stage, but it was tough to see the lead singer at all times. There were a few tall people in my way. I twisted my neck and shifted my weight every minute or so to adjust to the movement of others so as to still have a view. At some point, so many people had joined the floor and pushed their way up that we became increasingly more crowded. And thus, it became even harder to see.

For one song, I found myself mesmerized by the lights on stage. The backdrop was made of lights - big and small, in all shapes, sizes and colors. It was hypnotizing. And because I could no longer see the band, I stared and stared at the bright blinding lights. After a few minutes of staring at lights, your eyes adjust and everything gets blurry. It was safe where we were, not as uncomfortable if we had been farther up. But after awhile, I really couldn't see clearly.

While we waited for the band to come back for their encore, we walked to the back of the arena by the doors. We knew it would be hard to get a cab once the concert ended so it seemed like the smart thing to do. We watched a couple songs from there. There were fewer people, we had more room and a better view of the stage. We could see the band clearly, the lights weren't distracting, but it was impossible to see the facial expressions of the musicians. A concert is better when you can see the musicians' faces and understand the music as they do and see the feelings the songs bring out in them.

And I started thinking. About being on the sidelines, in the dark corner, isolated yet comfortable. Or having the guts and gumption to fight your way to the front, to the best view, to be so close that you're a part of the action. No matter how cramped or smothered you may feel, you'll forget all of that when you get lost in the thrill of the experience. Or playing it safe, in the back, still a part, but distant enough to be comfortable and have a good view so you clearly know what's going on - though you're too far removed to be fully immersed.

Or what about the in between? You're cramped and uncomfortable, without a good view, can't make your mind up as to where you best fit so you stop yourself short - in between. And the noise, the commotion of the background steals your full focus and attention to the point of blinding and disorienting you. Your perception is unbalanced, and you can't tell what's going on or what to feel. It seems to be safer than fighting, and you don't have to risk anything. You tell yourself it's a better place to be than to be stranded on the side, away from everything, scared of putting yourself out there at all or hidden in the back where you understand what's happening but choose to be distanced and unaffected. So foolish to trick yourself like that and into thinking "in between" is a destination at all. It's not a place, it's a state of mind.

In between is barely there. In between is messy and cowardly and needless. And getting lost in the backdrop distracts you from finding the right path. It's an unnecessary difficulty you bring on yourself.

You're Still Alright

I heard this song last night and can't get it out of my head. It's been hypnotizing me all day. And for some reason, even though it's a positive song, I can hear hopelessness in its soul. And that's what attracted me to it.

When everything you have goes away
You realize that nothing means a thing
Everything you thought was a big deal
Now you see it all and what is real

When all you have just falls apart
And nothing seems to work out right
And you’re trying

You’re still alright

When everything starts to feel the same
And everyone around you seems to change
You went along with me when things weren’t right
And when the morning slowly fades to night

When all you have just falls apart
And nothing seems to work out right
And you’re trying

You’re still alright

You can hear it at http://www.myspace.com/adammerrin

I believe it in some way - if you're still trying, you're alright. I recently changed my ringtone back to the Eye of the Tiger. Sometimes, I need to be reminded I've gotta keep on keepin' on.

I don't think things in life have rules. In love, there are no rules. With people, no rules. No set rule or path you have to follow. I don't mean morals when I say 'rules' because I do believe in absolutes when it comes to right and wrong. I just mean that it's important not to limit yourself and not to limit the realm of possibilities you give yourself. Be open and have no expectations. And good things will flow to you. It's hard to hold true to that mantra when life has you dizzy.

But even when nothing makes sense. Even when you confuse yourself. Even when you don't have the answer. Even when you once thought you did and now you're turned all around and upside down all over again. Even when it doesn't seem like it's gonna be alright, when you can't believe that it's gonna work out and everything's gonna be grand. It helps to hear 'You're still alright' and it helps to know that someone out there believes it.

Whoa, Get a Whiff of This!

I love city life. Today is one of the first warm days of '07. It's not hot, but it is warm. And it's the first day where I could distinctly smell the city's sweat.

Ok, I know it sounds gross, but I love it. The warm humidity cooks all the city smells: the dirt, the grim, the cement dust flying in the air from whichever construction site is nearby. It cooks them all up and then we breathe in that steamy stench of the concoction.

And again, I know it sounds gross, but I can't help it - it's the smell of home. Maybe it's because I love New York so much. That city has the most potent city sweat (though often mixed with garbage). And DC's smell has become comforting to me too. That means I'm really starting to love this old town.

Other smells I love: opening a new book for the first time, a cake baking, lilies, wet grass, the scummy lake water and the salty ocean, my sweet puppy, snow, peanut butter, a Tennessee tailgate, basil, wood, fresh warm laundry, my aunt's old house, my grandfather's house, olive oil, chlorine from a swimming pool, cigars and my favorite smell of all - my momma.

Awhile back, I was hemming and hawing over a boy. What to do, what's right, what do I want, the usual indecisiveness you'd expect from me. I was talking it over with a friend, and she asked the funniest question, "Do you like his smell?" And it was the right question. Because our smells are not the scents we try to cover them up with. The Old Spice, the cucumber melon deodorant, the strawberry body wash or cocoa lotion (why do all girlie products smell like food? the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? is that it?).

Our scents are our natural, human scents. That little boy scout who was lost in the mountains last weekend was found by a dog who sniffed his dirty, worn t-shirt. At some level, we as humans are still animals.

They say that scents are attached to memories. Maybe I love city sweat because of all the good times I've had in city summers. Maybe I loved that boy because I loved his scent.

Scents are fleeting, just like moments. We get little whiffs of happiness and then it's gone. And the scents associated with those brief instants serve to remind us of what we once had, what we once felt so that we can have it again and feel it again for even a fraction of a second...before it's gone...