Carpe Diem and All That Bullshit

I haven't written much in awhile. I was sick last week. And the past two weeks were really stressful. Do you ever feel like you need a break from your life? That's how I've been feeling lately. I want to stick my head in the sand like an ostrich and come out only when the coast is clear.

I try very hard to live in the moment. Each day, I think of good things that happened, I thank God for the people that helped me through the day. I truly believe in all that "Carpe Diem!" bullshit. I try to find joy in simple things. And I do. All of that works for me. Kind-of.

What is hard is not to rehash all the ickiness in the past. Why do I do that to myself? Instead of playing over and over in my head the happiest scenes in the past year or two, I replay the saddest, ugliest ones. It feels like for whatever reason, I keep punishing myself and keep making myself feel bad for things that I should have already dealt with.

I also spend too much time thinking about the future, which is hard because, of course, I have no idea what it actually will be like. The problem is that I know that in just a couple of months, my life will change dramatically. So even though that hasn't happened yet, it's hard to think about what my life is like right now, in this moment.

I don't feel it when I'm with my friends. I have so much fun, I just get lost. And part of me knows our days this summer are sadly numbered so maybe I'm enjoying my time with them a little more than usual. I feel it the rest of the time, though. I feel it walking through DC. I feel it when I'm at my apartment thinking about what a pain it will be to pack and move all my junk. I feel it BIG time when I'm at work. It's hard to find motivation to do my job when I know I'm turning in my notice in a few short weeks.

The worst, though, is the constant nagging in my stomach. Am I doing the right thing? Will I be happy? Will everything be ok? I try to imagine my life in Atlanta, and it's tough. All I can imagine is being lonely and feeling isolated. But just because that's how I felt when I lived there before, it doesn't mean that's how it will be this time around. I can't help but remember those feelings, though. For the past two years, I've associated those feelings with Atlanta. And now I have to disconnect that and realize that it was my life at the time and not the city I lived in that made me so unhappy. And hot damn, I love DC. I thought about putting school off for a year, deferring my acceptance, but my good friend told me that if the only reason I would do that was to have fun for another year, that didn't seem like a strong enough reason.

Ok ok. The moment. Today. I had a funny conversation with the girls I work with and had some good laughs. My friends are emailing right now about going to a baseball game this weekend. And tomorrow night is Tuesday night, my favorite night of the week. My boobs look hot in the cute top I'm wearing. I have an exciting work project that I'm leading right now that will hopefully be a huge success and will help make a difference. I have a sweet puppy to go home to tonight. And I just finished a delicious bottle of Vitamin Water.

Sigh. I can run through the right motions, but somehow, it still doesn't quite work. I'm still thinking about how in a few months, I won't have all the same happy things to be thankful for. But hopefully, some new ones. Chin up, sunshine.