Monday, May 14, 2007

Carpe Diem and All That Bullshit

I haven't written much in awhile. I was sick last week. And the past two weeks were really stressful. Do you ever feel like you need a break from your life? That's how I've been feeling lately. I want to stick my head in the sand like an ostrich and come out only when the coast is clear.

I try very hard to live in the moment. Each day, I think of good things that happened, I thank God for the people that helped me through the day. I truly believe in all that "Carpe Diem!" bullshit. I try to find joy in simple things. And I do. All of that works for me. Kind-of.

What is hard is not to rehash all the ickiness in the past. Why do I do that to myself? Instead of playing over and over in my head the happiest scenes in the past year or two, I replay the saddest, ugliest ones. It feels like for whatever reason, I keep punishing myself and keep making myself feel bad for things that I should have already dealt with.

I also spend too much time thinking about the future, which is hard because, of course, I have no idea what it actually will be like. The problem is that I know that in just a couple of months, my life will change dramatically. So even though that hasn't happened yet, it's hard to think about what my life is like right now, in this moment.

I don't feel it when I'm with my friends. I have so much fun, I just get lost. And part of me knows our days this summer are sadly numbered so maybe I'm enjoying my time with them a little more than usual. I feel it the rest of the time, though. I feel it walking through DC. I feel it when I'm at my apartment thinking about what a pain it will be to pack and move all my junk. I feel it BIG time when I'm at work. It's hard to find motivation to do my job when I know I'm turning in my notice in a few short weeks.

The worst, though, is the constant nagging in my stomach. Am I doing the right thing? Will I be happy? Will everything be ok? I try to imagine my life in Atlanta, and it's tough. All I can imagine is being lonely and feeling isolated. But just because that's how I felt when I lived there before, it doesn't mean that's how it will be this time around. I can't help but remember those feelings, though. For the past two years, I've associated those feelings with Atlanta. And now I have to disconnect that and realize that it was my life at the time and not the city I lived in that made me so unhappy. And hot damn, I love DC. I thought about putting school off for a year, deferring my acceptance, but my good friend told me that if the only reason I would do that was to have fun for another year, that didn't seem like a strong enough reason.

Ok ok. The moment. Today. I had a funny conversation with the girls I work with and had some good laughs. My friends are emailing right now about going to a baseball game this weekend. And tomorrow night is Tuesday night, my favorite night of the week. My boobs look hot in the cute top I'm wearing. I have an exciting work project that I'm leading right now that will hopefully be a huge success and will help make a difference. I have a sweet puppy to go home to tonight. And I just finished a delicious bottle of Vitamin Water.

Sigh. I can run through the right motions, but somehow, it still doesn't quite work. I'm still thinking about how in a few months, I won't have all the same happy things to be thankful for. But hopefully, some new ones. Chin up, sunshine.


Platemaster said...

I found your blog while googling "Carpe Diem is bullshit."

Because I was frustrated with people who use it all the time who degrade and take any meaning from it.

I don't like it when someone who never had an original thought in their head or didn't go outside their some 50 miles away saying that crap over and over again. What do they know about carpe diem or being adventurous anyway?

But from your blog, I think you do.

Cheers - Random internet person

Penny Lane said...

Thank you! That's the most genuine, honest comment I've ever had. And it made my day. Carpe diem can be bullshit if you talk about it but never actually seize the day or challenge yourself.

Cliches lose their meaning when they're overused and when they're used by people who don't know what they're talking about. I've taken chances and risks, and I've had as many failures as successes, but at least I've lived. I seized those mother fucking days even if I didn't conquer them.

I can tell you know what I mean and that you're a fighter too. May we kick the shit more often than get the shit kicked out of us!

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