Friday, February 6, 2004

Looking In

I feel sometimes so conflicted, not knowing whether I want to scream or cry or laugh or just sit and listen. There's a swarm of bumble bees inside of me, teasing me, taunting me, buzzing about, darting around with me not knowing what the next move will be.

I have felt the bees recently. I don't know what their buzzing says. I don't know what they're trying to tell me or what they want to do to me next. I only know that I need an escape. I need to get out somehow. Out of myself, out of my head, out of my life and I need to go somewhere new.

People sometimes use that expression, "I'm beside myself." I don't know what that means. To be beside oneself. I wish I could be beside myself every once in awhile if only to get an outside perspective on things.

I can't explain what's happening inside of me or what brings it about. Heartbreak? Loneliness? Just the stale feeling of living every day? Some thing, any thing, every thing. Maybe every little one of those pesky bees represents one of those. I don't know. I know he's a jerk to lie to me, but I don't even know how I feel about that - angry, sad, confused?

But today. Today I hushed all the noises, all the motion and the fury. I silenced it all for a moment and heard a voice from somewhere deep inside of me. Some small part of me that has been buried with all the burdens I've brought upon myself.

It said, "No matter what, someday, you will smile again." It had such a soothing voice, so comforting and soft, like an angel I had with me all along that I allowed to be bullied into a corner. I wanted to hear it again. I ignored the negativity, the nay-saying, the buzzing, I pushed it all aside and listened. "It's not about getting out. What you really need is to get in."

I always try to ignore my problems, escape whatever I don't want to be confronted with, by running. Running into someone's arms. Running into another city, another place to be the location of this chaos within.

Tonight, before the voice, I thought about escaping by myself this weekend to a private beach getaway. I thought, "What I need to cleanse myself from all of this mess is the sound of the ocean." I decided I would book myself into the Holiday Inn somewhere not far from here and somewhere on the ocean.

But running away to the beach for the weekend would do nothing when I just had to return to what I left behind, what I postponed, procrastinated dealing with. It's absurd. I need to look in and find my cleansing there. But I will start with a smile. : )


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