George, mind if I borrow that ax?

I hate dating. It makes me freaking crazy, a total lunatic, irrational, nervous, and I probably twitch too. So many people say that the beginning is the best part, so exciting, full of butterflies and mystery. But those are the people who are looking back at the beginning of successful relationships because not all relationships progress past the beginning stage.

Sometimes you think you have a great beginning, but then poof! For no reason at all, with no offered explanation or suggestions for improvement, the person is gone without a trace. I know I’ve done this a time or two myself so I can’t be “playa hata.” I’ve definitely gone out on one or two dates with a guy and decided it’s not worth seeing him again. The grown-up mature way that I choose to deal with this is the ever so popular “No Call” approach. No call gets in and no call goes out. I hate doing that, I feel bad when I do, but I want to avoid what would be an unnecessary awkward situation for the both of us. “Well, Greg, the reason I don’t want to go out with you again is I think you’re too tall, too conservative, and you don’t make me laugh enough.” Who the hell wants to hear that?

Sure, we tell little kids all the time they should never lie. Look at George Washington cutting down that damn tree and lying about it. He felt bad. He knew it wasn’t right, but ya know what? He still did it. Oh sure, we tell the kids that he confessed and eventually told the truth, but I don’t think it happened like that. I think it went down like this. Little Georgie got a new ax and decided to test it out on his father’s favorite apple tree. Big, thick bark, he wondered how long it would take for his shiny new tool to chop it down. So, like any curious little kid, he tested it out.

I mean, I remember one time when my cousin set the carpet on fire because he was burning the edge of a pirate's treasure map for 'effect.' Little brat dropped the match and boom! Up in flames went the shag! Of course, he had to confess, it was obvious the black hole in the carpet didn’t happen all on its own. Anyways, back to our boy George. He realized what he did, tried to blame it on some Indians, and when his momma asked him if the new ax he probably had stashed cleverly behind his back had anything to do with the death of the tree, he collapsed. It was his momma, after all, and he was what? 8?

My point is – everyone lies. And that is why dating is so damn tricky and hard. Every time that a boy tells me, “I’ll talk to you later,” I wonder what that means. Does that mean: “I’ll call you in an hour,” “I’ll call you tomorrow,” or “I’ll call you when hell freezes over and Paris Hilton joins a convent?” I just don’t know. And the worst thing of it is not the guessing game or the waiting game. The worst is the ending. Because we know it won’t work out, it never does, it never has, so you know that it’s going to probably go up in flames like my aunt’s shag rug.

I truly have no idea why we still put ourselves through this torturous mess over and over again. I mean, it’s only the first of March and I’ve been rejected 3 ½ times already! Ok, ok, one of the guys I would’ve stopped calling only he did it first, but still, that’s a big freaking number for two short months. (By the way, the ½ is for the guy I’m currently dating who I am sure has called for the last time…despite the fact that I say that every time he calls…)

Dating is a necessary evil, I know, but I feel at the moment (after 3 ½ times in 2 months) that I want to fold. I feel like I’ve run out of chips, I have no more energy left to sit and put money down for a game I’ll most surely lose. I just want to go back to my quiet life where I can leave dirty dishes out and wear no make-up and not worry about anyone noticing or judging. I don't really need all this hassle anyway. I'm happy alone, and if something's gonna happen, it just will. God is in control, and clearly I need some more me-time. Maybe I can find old George’s old ax to build myself a cabin, and I can hibernate until dating season is over.