I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

I am such a sappy girl. And this is why I love Grey’s Anatomy! I’m so happy to have it back in my life. It’s been too long, gang, too too long.

One thing I love about that show is the friendship between Meredith and Christina. A good girlfriend is sometimes better than a man. Sometimes you just need your girl. And this whole episode was about female friendship and how important it is. We cannot get through the rough patches without hands to hold. And it is easier to cry when someone cries with us.

A close friend visited me last weekend, and we talked about what our friendship means to each of us. We laughed about all we’ve been through, and we grinned with the comfort of knowing that whatever is to come, we will have each other.

When you don’t feel strong, it helps to be with someone who loves you. Sometimes their presence alone bolsters you, and you know that you can survive. And sometimes you look in their eyes and can see a reflection of the strength that is in your heart and it helps you remember who you are.

I don’t know what it is that’s so special and unique about female friendship. It’s easier to be vulnerable around a woman. I am fortunate enough to have been deeply loved in my little life, but I don’t have a true love just yet. I’m not sure how that will compare to the friendships in my life. But I do know that there will always be things I can only talk about with my girlfriends.

There’s a recent trend in television, and much thanks for this goes to the Sex and the City girls. The trend is the focus on the endurance and power of female friendships. And this replaces the ugly images of catfights and backstabbing. It’s a positive representation of women and a true one. Finally, there’s something real about women on television that we can relate to.

I love my girlfriends, and here’s a list of the reasons why –

• They always notice when I change my hair and always tell me it looks great…even when it looks like I stuck my finger in a socket.

• They drink champagne with me because they understand that some days are just champagne days.

• They tell me it’s ok to cry and it’s ok not to cry.

• They never tell me when they don’t think my boyfriend is “the one,” but I know if we were to get engaged, they’d do the hard thing and be honest.

• They go shopping with me and never say things like, “Are you sure you need that super cute new handbag?” because they understand it's not about "need," it's about "want."

• When one of us needs to have ice cream for dinner, we’re always willing to take one for the team and indulge in some delicious cold treats.

• We’re willing to rearrange our lives to be there for each other.

• They tell off people that are mean to me – whether it’s an angry college football fan, a rude dude in a bar, a mutual friend or a boyfriend, they speak up for me even when I can’t speak up for myself.

• They always defend the silver lining when I can’t find one.

• They’re always supportive – of my bad hair, my skirt that’s too short, my lackluster boyfriend, my overcooked meat, but more importantly they’re especially supportive when I struggle with believing in myself.

• When I talk to them about a fight I had with someone, they tell me where both of us were wrong so that instead of supporting me blindly, they're challenging me to be a better person.

• They're always up for being goofy whether it's watching bad MTV shows all day like it's our job, driving to the beach at midnight to see the sunrise, stuffing our faces with a giant bag of chocolate popcorn, rolling a guy friend's car, getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon while playing a board game or anything else that may tickle our fancy. Girls do just want to have fun, after all.
  

• No matter what, we’re always on each other’s side.

I Am Blessed.

I have been thinking the past few weeks about how loved I am. I am blessed because I am so loved. And I feel all that love. And it is not often enough that we tell or show our loved ones how much they mean to us.

I got the oil changed in my car yesterday, and had to get a new battery because mine was caput. They said my battery was 3 1/2 years old. And then I remembered when I got that battery.

I have a master's degree and wasn't sure if I wanted to go to that graduation. It didn't seem like a big deal. But then my friends from school were all going, and at the last minute, I decided to also. My mother, stepfather and grandmother came down for it, but none of my friends or other family members were able to. Except Goofer. He took off work, drove down and spent the whole weekend with me.

The morning of my graduation day, Goofer wanted to get us breakfast so he took my car. And oops. The battery died while he was sitting in an intersection! Luckily, it was across the street from a car shop so he got it fixed up (I paid him back, of course). Goofer always takes care of me. He was at my graduation so I wasn't alone. He fixed my car. And this is only one of the many amazing things he has done for me over the course of our friendship. The past month, he's been calling me leaving sweet messages, even funny ones, and sends thoughtful texts to check in, sometimes with funny pictures.

I am blessed.

In the past few weeks, I've gotten cards, phone calls, text messages and emails from people who love me. Telling me they're thinking about me and praying for my family. People I didn't think I was close with have even contacted me with kind words. My family is sticking together, and we're all looking out for each other. My friends are all looking out for me and loving me right now.

I am blessed.

My closest friend is driving down to visit me tomorrow. We have a history of always being there for each other, and it is so important to both of us to know if there is one person we can always count on and always call on, it is each other. We're going to drink wine in the rooftop hot tub, stay up late talking, go see a chick flick, eat yummy food and even go horseback riding, which is something we both love and don't get to do often. She is going to pamper me this weekend because she loves me, and I am going to let her because I love her back.

I am blessed.

I am also blessed because I have wonderful ex-boyfriends. I like to be friends with the guys I date because I don't understand caring so much for someone and liking them so much, but then just never talking to them again. Why cut love out of your life? One has been contacting me with kind messages and sent a card to my sweet family. The other actually came to the funeral. This one and I have a lot of history together. We went to high school together, dated off and on for 2 1/2 years, and to this day, I would say he's the only person I've ever truly been in love with. And he is a dear friend. Always the King of Grand Gestures, he drove 6 hours to be at the funeral for an hour, then drove 6 hours back to be at work the next morning.

I am blessed.

In the past few days, I've had incredible conversations with a good friend. She and I grew up together, and occasionally, we have really good, deep talks because I think we understand each other in unique ways that other people in our lives don't get. Now I think we understand each other in another unique way, and I can honestly say that nothing anyone has said in the past few months has been as impacting or helpful as the things she's said over the past few days. She is an amazing, strong, passionate woman, and I am thankful that she is in my life because she makes it better.

I am blessed. And so are you. So be sure to thank your loved ones for loving you and tell them exactly why they are the wonderful people they are. Life is too short to just assume people understand how you think and feel.

My Cup Runneth Over

I had a perfect day. Saturday was just the most lovely, most perfect day. I drove from DC Friday afternoon to my sweet Papaw’s house and spent the night. My cousin, C, and her hilarious husband, R, were also there with my mom. Then Saturday morning, the rest of the family came up, and we had a long, fun day laughing and teasing and playing in the sun.

For years now, we’ve had a family get-together up at my grandfather’s house in August around my aunt’s birthday. After we ate lunch, my aunt was serving some homemade ice cream when C made her stop and sit down to open a present. It was a picture frame that said, “Life isn’t perfect - That’s why God made grandparents.”

She’s pregnant!

They’ve been married for five years so for the past two or three, everyone’s been hounding them. And they are really just the cutest couple. The way they dote on each other and cuddle and joke. They’re just as giddy in love as they were six years ago when they got engaged.

I remember when they got married. I was the maid of honor (shocking, I know) so I was first down the aisle. C’s friend told me I would cry and tried to give me Kleenex, but I’m not much of a crier and never cry in front of anyone so I just shrugged and said, “No…I don’t think so.” Oh, but when I looked down the church vestibule and saw my uncle whispering something into her ear, my eyes watered and I grabbed a Kleenex.

On the walk down the aisle, I just kept telling myself to look at R. I love him to bits and knew he’d be grinning a big wide grin that would make me smile too. But no! He was tearing up! So then I lost it. Not to mention his father, who was the best man, was just bawling. We all ended up sniffling our way through the ceremony, and it was one of my most favorite days.

I can’t even imagine how beautiful the day will be when I meet that little one for the first time. And see how happy and proud C and R are. I am so blessed to have such love in my family.

I really do love my family. All day long Saturday I had a big smile on my face and felt warm and gooey. I kept thinking to myself, “My cup runneth over.”

We laugh a lot and joke and tease each other constantly. We were joking about what the baby would call everyone. The conception happened while they were vacationing at the Biltmore, and R said he thinks they should put that in the brochure. "Make babies here!" My other cousin E, who’s in med school, told C all the gross things that are about to happen to her. He said something really icky about how the iron pills she had to take would make her stool turn black (yes, he said the word stool! ew!). R thought that was so funny, he started singing new words to that old country song Black Velvet. He renamed it Black Stool.

He is really one of the goofiest people I have ever met, and I just can’t get enough of his nonsense. Friday night, he told me that he wants to trap Bigfoot. He’s seen every special about Bigfoot and even looked into going on a excursion looking for Bigfoot, but doesn’t want to go because they won’t let you bring a gun! C and I were leaving to go to the grocery store, and he told me to watch out for Bigfoot.

“R, if I see him, you want me to tell him anything for you? Do you have a message for Bigfoot?”

“No. If you see him, here’s what I want you to do. You find a way to get him to follow you back here to the house so I can shoot him.”

“You’re gonna shoot Bigfoot? Then what are you gonna do with him?”

“I’ll keep him, of course.”

“Oh. Right. Ok. Well, so what? You’re gonna mount him or something the way they do deer?”

“No, I’m gonna make a statue out of him. And I’m gonna put him in the middle of the circle driveway in front of my new house so everybody can see him.”

“Sure, ok. Now will he be doing some kind of pose? Or will he have a prop?”

“He’ll be pointing like this, at his gonads.” Then he demonstrated by pointing both his thumbs at his crotch.

I am telling you, I couldn’t make this stuff up. He really is that goofy. And I just eat it up. My cousin E is just as silly, and they egg each other on. R told me last night he was saving up some “explosions” for E cuz he wanted to blow him away. He was talking about farts. These are grown men, but nothing makes them laugh harder than a fart. When E did get there on Saturday, the two of them had a cannonball contest in the swimming pool. They're big, tall boys so when they were done, there was more water outside the pool than inside it.

This morning while we were setting everything up for lunch, R kept trying to scare me with spiders or by telling me I had a bug on me. I would just shrug, look down and try to find the bug. He said, “Well, that’s just not bothering you, is it? You are one tough mama.” He loves to tease and get a reaction out of you. Finally, he settled on tickling me, which he knew would get me. He told me he's 39 going on 29.

I’ve said many times that I hope to one day find a man like R, and I mean it. He's a blast. I hope to find someone who fits in with this loud, goofy family of mine too. That’s important.

But today I started thinking that if I’m looking for someone who’s tall, goofy, tries to gross me out with bugs, who wants to hunt Bigfoot and has fart competitions, I may be setting my sights a little low. Aw but then he comes over and gives me a big hug and tells me he loves me. And I see him giving C a kiss, and I know he's the sweetest, and I'm looking for that in a man too. Sure he’s goofy and gross, but he’s a real tenderheart too. And I really can’t wait to see how tender and goofy he is with his little one.

Greater Love Hath No Man Than This - To Lay Down His Life For His Friends.

I’ve had a weird day. Well, twenty-four hour period, I guess. Last night, one of my best friends gave me the happy news that she’s engaged. We talked giddily about how he proposed, what they talked about, her ideas for the wedding. An exciting new beginning for a girl who deserves everything wonderful and all the love she’s finally found.

And today, I started the day by crying. Something tragic and awful happened in my sweet hometown yesterday morning. I knew about it then, but this morning started reading newspaper articles to learn more about what happened and why. I found an article about a hero. A sweet man who lived a good life, did good things, took care of everyone he knew and even those he didn’t. And he died yesterday. Why? So many people loved him, he touched so many lives, and I just cried.

One of my best friends has been in the hospital for almost a week with a very rare and scary condition that the doctors only just diagnosed but have yet to figure out what caused it.

Life is so fucking fragile. It changes so dramatically in a moment – with a blood vessel, with a door opening, with a first date. I’m reminded of the Joan Didion quote, “Life changes in an instant. You sit down to dinner, and life as you know it ends.”

I feel so aware of life’s unpredictability lately. I think since my grandfather went into the hospital a couple months ago. Wow, that’s weird. It was almost two months ago, I think.

I called him on a Saturday afternoon to chit chat for a few minutes. My mom and aunt were out of town so I’d been calling him every other day to check in. His wife answered and told me they were waiting on an ambulance to take him to the hospital. She made it seem like he just needed to see the doctor to get some new medicine. Then later that evening, while a dozen women were drinking wine downstairs, I talked to her, and it hit me how serious it all could be. I let a tear drop, then pulled myself together and went back downstairs.

I do love Elizabethtown, and Chuck is one of my favorite small characters. His first scene in the movie is priceless! It’s hard to tell on a small screen, but he’s wearing boxers that have his picture plastered all over them. He’s drunk and funny, but so heartfelt and caring. “Death and life, life and death, right next door to each other! With just a hair between them!”

But he’s right.

Death and life are right next door to each other. Blessings and tragedies happen every day, all around us, and we never know what’s coming next.

People are all that matter.

I joke that I’ve been a maid of honor so many times and think it's funny because of that movie. But it is truly an honor to even know these wonderful women. To be friends with them is humbling. I am so blessed to have such amazing, inspiring people in my life. They teach me, care for me, understand me, love me. I can call them at all hours of the night (and have). I’ve asked them to help me with a million things like donating to the charity benefit I’m organizing, deconstructing a fight I had with my boyfriend or moving me from one home to another.

If I did not have people to call when I need to talk or visit when I need to get away or to spend holidays with…I just can’t imagine life without the great loves I have in my life. And whether blessing or tragedy come, neither are the same without the people who share those moments with us. People are all that matter.

Always Say Yes to Crazy!

Eee! I am just grinning ear to ear. I had a good, long conversation this afternoon with one of my all-time favorite people. This guy is The Funnest Person I Know. And probably will ever know because I can't see how anyone could top him. Fun is literally his name.

He's goofy and wild and always up for anything. I love people that are always up for anything! He said today, "The way I see it - you have to gamble to win" - and for him, I think this means, "You always have to say yes to crazy to have fun." Though he's usually the one with the crazy idea you just have to say yes to.

We're college pals, and after graduation, he moved to Buenos Aires, then to Guadalajahara, next to the Virgin Islands, after that South Dakota (not as exotic but definitely different) and most recently spent a year in Beijing. Now he's moving just 4 hours from me to go to law school. Yay! I see a lot of fun in my future.

We stay in touch by email and phone and occasionally get to hang out. It's amazing we're still close despite the lengths of time we've lived on separate continents, but we both always make the effort. Now that he's going to be closer, I can't wait for old times to be here again! Every time I'm with an old friend, it's as though we've never been apart - the friendship just picks back up and doesn't skip a beat.

Talking to him today just warmed my heart. Do you know what I mean when I say that? Warmed my heart? I mean if my heart had a living room, there'd be a big fire and my heart would be toasty happy all curled up next to it. There's a magical thing about old friends, isn't there?

Now before you say it, no we never dated and no we never will. He's a wild horse that can't be tamed, and our friendship is too good to shake up. He actually told me years ago that I'm the Free Fallin' girl. He said I'm a girl that a guy knows he has to commit to, but also knows he can't until he's the best he can be so he runs for the hills. I think that was his way of telling me why we never dated, but there are a few other good reasons for that. Believe me, I've heard enough lines in my life to recognize when I'm hearing one. Actually, I think that I'm the Free Fallin' girl because I'm never afraid to jump and always enjoy a good free fall. So does he, and that's probably why we get along so well. We're kindred spirits.

We've had a lot of fun together. I remember one day, he biked 15 miles to my apartment just for a lemonade. He went to the Cornbread Festival where my pal got himself in the local paper after placing 1st in the Cornbread Race and 2nd in the Cornbread Eating Contest. We spent more than a few late nights with Mario Cart, and he was my date to every sorority party, where I think he even spiked the punch. He had this hilarious old man Buick (I think he bought it for $500) that had the ceiling lining completely gone so one of his friends carved a giant penis in the foam. We always have the best talks. I think it's a rare and beautiful thing to have a real conversation with someone. Usually, it's all fluff and no soul.

Today, he said he thought of me in China and had a story no one would appreciate like I would. My interest was peaked.

While he was in Beijing, he made friends with three German guys. They'd been going out to bars and just talking, but one night decided they wanted to do something. I guess they don't play darts or pool in Beijing because my pal brought Monopoly to the bar. German Monopoly no less.

He makes friends with everyone, as do I, and I think that's really where fun can happen. When you talk to strangers. He got the whole Chinese crowd into the game. They had to teach them of course, but once they did, people ooo-ed when someone landed on Park Place and laughed when the top hat went to jail. They were picking sides, cheering and shouting, arms waving frantically. He also said they taught the Chinese how to pronounce all the words and that they would say "Monopory." Aw. Apparently, as it was German Monopoly, all the road names were in German, and his impression of a Chinese man trying to pronounce a German word...well, just try to hear it in your head.

Finally, he told me that he just knew I would have had a real blast with that and all the absurd, goofy laughter of their Chinese Monopoly fans. I agreed that absurd, goofy laughter was right up my alley.

There is absolutely nothing better in life than old friends and laughter. He challenged me to a Monopoly game when he visits me in Atlanta, and though I'm sure I'll lose, I know there'll be a lot of absurd, goofy laughter and making friends with strangers.

Country Comes to Town

My mom, aunt and cousin will be spending the weekend with me. My cousin is coming late, of course, so she won’t be getting here til tomorrow.

But my aunt and my mom arrived today. It took them forever to get here. We’re going to see Kenny Chesney on Sunday, who is from our hometown. My mom thought, “It’d be nice for Kenny to look out at the crowd and see orange,” so she wants us all to wear Tennessee t-shirts to the concert. I think it’s nice for Kenny that we bought tickets to his concert. They wanted us to match so they stopped at three, count them - three - Tennessee paraphernalia stores until they bought four matching Tennessee t-shirts and four matching Tennessee cowgirl hats. Which, evidently, will be our costume for Sunday. Oh, the hilarity that will ensue.

Tonight, however, was hilarious all on its own. They called me soon as they got off at the exit for my apartment, even though they weren’t going to my apartment - they were going to a hotel. My mom asks me where their hotel is. I say, “I don’t know, Mom, is it the one you stayed at before?” She said she didn't have directions, and that I needed to look it up. "The Sheraton Atlanta Downtown," she said. So I turn my computer on, and she asks me what the address is. “Mom, I just turned the computer on. It needs a minute to boot up.”

“Her computer is booting up,” she explains to my aunt, “Well, we don’t know where to go. We’re turning on Spring Street because I don’t know what road the hotel is on.”

“Ok…well, it’s not on Spring Street, that I know.”

“It’s the Sheraton Downtown. It’s near your apartment. We walked to that restaurant we liked.”

“Ok, Mom, I remember. I just looked it up. You need to go around the block. But I don't think it's the one you stayed at before.”

“Will you stop! She keeps talking to me. What?? Where am I going? I’m just turning around the block because I know it’s not this direction.”

“Great, Mom, that's good. Actually it is, but that road turns into a one-way. Did you turn? Where are you?”

“Ok, now we’re on Peachtree. No, Peachtree Place. Is Peachtree Place ok?”

To her credit, there are 36 streets in Atlanta with the word “peachtree.” “No, Mom, that’s not right. You can stay on that road, but turn right on Peachtree Street. Just Peachtree. Not West Peachtree.” It is a bit ridiculous that everything has the same name.

“She said we need to be on Peachtree.” A response to my aunt's "Where are we going?" from the passenger seat. “Ok, now we’re on Peachtree. What do we turn on next?”

“You’re gonna go for awhile, I think about two miles, and then you turn onto Andrew Young International. You’re going to turn left.”

“I don’t know. It’s the Sheraton, right? We’re going the wrong direction. I think it’s the other way.”

“No, Mom, it’s this way.”

In the background, I hear my aunt tell her there are three Sheraton hotels in Atlanta. And she’s correct. Sheraton Downtown, Sheraton Buckhead and Sheraton Suites which is up north on Cobb Parkway. “She says there are three Sheratons. I don’t think you’re taking us to the right one. It’s the Sheraton Downtown.”

“Yeah, Mom, I got it. It’s about two miles ahead. Keep driving.”

"But there are three Sheratons. Are you sure you're taking us to the right one? We're on Peachtree, but where do we turn?"

"Andrew Young International. You need to turn left."

"Ok, which way do we turn?"

"Left, Mom. There are three Sheratons, but this is the only one in Midtown. This is the only one near me. There's one in Buckhead, and the Sheraton Suites is far away, north of the city."

"Well, your aunt says that there's one in Buckhead and there's one, what is it, T? The Suites, that's probably the one we stayed in."

We argue about this for several minutes, and she tells me, "The internet is wrong." She's frustrated and says she’ll call me back. Thirty minutes later, she calls back to say that the Sheraton Downtown moved, and they don’t like the new one so my aunt will be staying with me tonight and somewhere else tomorrow. They also are tired of driving and "need" margaritas.

Eventually, they get to my apartment where my mother tells my aunt they have to change clothes. She always bosses my aunt around, and she obeys! It’s like a comedy routine. She says, “We’re in the city now. Atlanta is a city. And they dress up here.”

So we all dress up. To eat Mexican food.

We get to the restaurant and order a pitcher of margaritas. Within mere seconds, my aunt and mom are completely shitfaced. My aunt tells me about the first time she got drunk. This is hilarious because she’s very conservative and very Southern Baptist. Then the two of them tell me about a time when two guys that lived near them in Oak Ridge, Tennessee (yes! Home of the atomic bomb!) took them out to clubs because they’d never been to clubs before. The guys made them go to allllll the clubs in Oak Ridge (that would be three) and “drink the special.” My mom and aunt got so drunk they puked the whole next day.

Next, my mom asks me to tell them a story about me being drunk. I tell them the Drunken Mess story because I know they’d like it, and they do. I also tell the story about when I was in high school and had the lamest party at the neighborhood clubhouse while my parents were out of town. My mom’s heard this one, but my aunt hasn’t.

Suddenly, my aunt’s eyes get really big, and she says, “Do you know what she said about us?”

Before I can say, “What?” she tells me, “Your mother said that because we’re tender hearts, we get picked on.”

I look at my mom, and she says, “It’s like with animals. The runts always get picked on.”

Ha. Great. My mom just called me a runt. My aunt laughs and says, “It’s ok. She’s drunk.”

My mom’s eyes get big and wide and she says, “Tuh huh? I ams noooot druthunk.”

Meanwhile, the waiter comes back and starts to pour more margarita into our glasses from the pitcher. Before he can, my mother announces, “There’s a knat in there.”

He looks confused and says, “Ma’am?”

“There’s a bug. A little knat. In the margarita pitcher.” We were sitting outside on the patio. I tell him it’s fine, and she says, “We are in Georgia, you know. They have knats.”

The poor guy apologizes and says he’ll come back with a new pitcher. When he does, my mom tells him he didn’t have to do that, she just wanted to tell him there was a knat. He nods slowly and looks at me, pleading for help, before backing away from the crazy redneck women.

My aunt has had half a margarita and is as drunk as I’ve ever seen her. She knows it too. She tells me that any minute now, she’s going to find some Italian women to dance with. We took a cruise on the River Seine several years ago, and she had so much wine, she spent the whole night dancing with drunk Italian women. She then says she doesn’t think I can drive us home.

My mom says she can. And that she can see better when she drinks because alcohol cures her astigmatism. We laugh at her. She then asks about my friend, “the construction worker,” and if I saw him before I left. I am entirely confused. I say I don’t know anyone who’s a construction worker. She says, “Oh yeah you do, that boy, what’s his name? The neighbor? You went to dinner with him?”

I shake my head and say, “Mom. He’s a defense contractor. For the government.”

She says, “Yeah, I know.”

I laugh, “Do you know what that is? He’s a government contractor. The government hires contractors to do different jobs and projects. They don't build anything. Like in Iraq. All those contractors that have been getting in trouble? Or do they tell you that on Fox News?”

My aunt interjects that Fox News is good, and the other networks are “liberal hippies.” I then attempt to explain to my mother that a defense contractor doesn’t build tanks and tell her examples of different projects contractors work on. She shakes her head and says she needs more salsa and for me to ask “that man” for more salsa.

My aunt wants to know what E is up to. I tell her that poor E is at a rehearsal dinner, and she's the only one there without a date. And they're not even serving alcohol. My mom cocks her head to the side and says that she likes margaritas. "Yes, you do, and isn't it a pity they don't have margaritas at that rehearsal dinner?" She nods as she slurps down the last of her 4th margarita.

My mom asks when I’m going to see my ex because she wants me to get my keys back. I tell her I don’t know, we haven’t talked for a couple weeks. She tells me about a guy she used to like who lived in the apartment next to her. Here we go, another drunken pearl of wisdom from Mom.

“And you know what I did? I brought a bottle of wine to his apartment and asked if he had a bottle opener. And then after the wine was open, I asked if he wanted a glass!” She laughs so hard she puts her hand over her face. “And that’s what you have to do. You have to use your head.” Just to make sure there's no confusion, she points at her head, “You have to be clever. So for the next one. Be clever. Do you still talk to that pilot?" My mother's one attempt to set me up.

“Yeah, I do. Thanks, Mom. Are we ready to go?” My aunt is concerned I can’t drive because she’s drunk. My mom offers to drive, and I tell her that she can’t drive because she thinks she sees better under the influence. She proceeds to count the moons in the sky. One and a half. I drive. When we get back home, my aunt gives me $60 to go to the store for milk and ice cream. This is going to be a great weekend.

I Love My Papaw

My Papaw. I love my papaw. He’s kind, generous, smart and so darn funny. He always has nicknames for people. My great-grandfather was Rubberjaw because he was always talking. I had a great uncle named Scoot because he scooted instead of crawled as a baby. My mom, he called Junebug. And he calls me Precious.

When I was little, I followed my older cousin around and did everything she told me to do. I got a cat, a grey and white striped tabby, and she wanted me to name him Peaches after her new Peaches and Crème Barbie. So I did. I don’t remember how old we were when she had this brilliant idea, but she thought it’d be nice of us to draw some pictures for Papaw on his carport. Papaw did not appreciate our fine artwork and whipped us good!

I learned how to swim in Papaw’s pool. He and my mom taught me. I was so scared I’d drown, but when Papaw was there, he told me I’d be ok. And I believed him.

I remember when he married his third (and current) wife. They’d only been dating a few months, six at the most maybe, before they went on vacation to Hawaii and got married. He knew my mom and aunt would have words for him so instead of telling them himself, he got my cousin to make the announcement to the whole family. Ooo he’s clever. They can’t get mad at an 8 year old.

He taught me how to drive his big pickup truck when I was just 14. I was barely a hundred pounds, and the truck felt like it could swallow me up. He laughed and laughed as I squealed making the turns. Again, he told me I’d be ok, and I believed him. As long as he was there with me, I knew it was true.

His favorite food is ice cream. When the medicine makes him feel like he can’t eat and that food doesn’t taste good, he just eats ice cream cuz it always tastes good. When my mom was little, she got mad at him for something. He told her to make him an ice cream sundae, and she made it with shaving cream instead of whipped cream. I wish I could’ve seen his face when he took that first bite. He got so mad at her, but laughed a little too. He has a great laugh.

Everyone in my family thinks I’m a little bit crazy. Why can’t she just settle down? I’ve moved around from place to place like a gypsy. When I told them all I’d be moving again to go back to school, there were a few laughs and rolls of the eyes. “Oh that girl. Isn’t she funny?” But my Papaw pulled me aside and told me he admired that about me. He said I was brave and that he’d be too scared to move around like that. He loves me for just who I am.

He taught me how to fish, and I’ve never seen him more proud or excited than when I’ve caught one and reeled it in. He’ll tell everyone we see, the guy at the convenience store, a waiter at a restaurant. He loves to teach. When I said I’d never had coconut milk from a coconut before, he went right outside to pick one and told me to try it. "It’s always good to try new things," he said. And he laughed when I told him I didn’t like it and told me he didn’t like it either.

A couple years ago, he was very sick and in the hospital. I told him I was thankful his wife was there with him and that she takes such good care of him. He’s never been one to give advice. I used to think it was because he wanted us to figure out things on our own. He’s always pushed us to be independent. But I think it’s actually that he doesn’t realize how wise and smart he is. In any case, he did give advice that day.

He thought he might die, and he told me he wanted me to find a good man. I said I wanted me to find one too. And he said, “You need to find someone who loves you. A good Christian who takes care of you.” Ever sassy, I said, “You want me to find someone who will take care of me? I take care of myself just fine, Papaw.”

He laughed and said, “I know you can take care of yourself. That’s good, and you need to. I want you to find someone who takes care of you by loving you. You need to be loved. You just need to find someone you love that loves you.”

He’s always been like a father to me. When my mother and I needed to leave my father and couldn’t, he grabbed a friend and drove a U-Haul all the way from East Tennessee to New Mexico. He packed up all the furniture and everything in the house, and while my father was at work, we moved out and went home, safe and protected. My mom called him and said we needed help, and he helped.

All my life, he’s taught me what love is. That you love people with what you do and with what you say - it's about both words and actions. You take care of them, you teach them, you make them feel safe and like everything will be ok, you sacrifice for them, you love them for who they are, you laugh with them, you challenge them to try new things, you’re always there when they need you, and you rescue them when they need saving. I love my Papaw, and he loves me.

Ainslie Claire

Tonight, I got an email from two of my friends. They just had a baby. A sweet tiny little perfect baby. A little lumpy looking and red-faced right now, but still sweet and perfect.

It is funny the way the world works.

These are two friends of mine from high school. I remember when we were all just friends, and the two of them were dating different people. One dated another friend of mine, and they actually had a date at my house, which for some odd reason I remember vividly. And the other had a date or two with my cousin when we were all freshmen in high school. She liked him, and he liked her, but he was shy and so it never happened. 14 year old boys, you know. The funny thing is (well, to me anyway) that her husband has the same name as my cousin, and my cousin's birthday is 2 days after she gave birth to her first child.

Every day is somebody's birthday, you know? And every day means something to someone. I've often thought about that before. What day will I get married on? What day will I give birth to my first child? Dates that have meant nothing for years and years all of a sudden mean everything. I've also wondered what day will be days of sadness. Those dates are also remembered year to year.

It is funny, but life just somehow works out. All these seemingly disconnected moments add up to lots of something in the end. My friend and my cousin have almost totally forgotten about each other. And why not? They only had 2 dates...if you count that group one...And they haven't seen each other for years. But I was involved, those 2 dates mattered to me somehow, and now 15 years later, here I am writing about them.

I guess all of this is to say that you never know. You just never know. I always say that love has no rules. I think that people try too often to make love obey some made-up rules. Like two people who break up never get back together and stay together. I've heard that one before, but I know exceptions to that rule. Or if it's rough in the beginning, it'll never smooth out. I know exceptions to that one too. Love has no rules. It cannot be ruled, and it cannot be controlled, despite our best efforts. And life too. Life has no rules, and it cannot be controlled. It behooves us to try to figure out both life and love, but we will never know the answers or how it all connects together so that it works just right.

If we did, that'd lose all the fun and adventure. How would we learn any lessons? And there would be no perfect miracles like Ainslie Claire - created by two people who found each other, made it work and fell in love.

Always Have and Never Hold

I can't sleep. I drank a glass of wine. I took a Tylenol PM. I'm so exhausted, and I really need to sleep, but closing my eyes right now tonight feels selfish.

I went to a wedding this weekend. Two of my friends fell in love and are married. And I went with good friends and my sweet boyfriend. It was so beautiful, surrounded by so much love. It makes you feel protected. So I can't imagine how safe and happy my two friends must have felt.

That ended yesterday. The bride's mother suffered a sudden stroke, and today was taken off the machines keeping her alive. Three short days after her wedding, the most love-filled day of her life, she feels the most intense sadness of her life. I am constantly amazed at the suffering this world allows. It just doesn't seem fair.

And it doesn't seem fair that I'm safe and warm in my apartment, all my most loved ones still alive and well. It doesn't seem fair that I should sleep soundly tonight when a good friend is hurting so deeply.

I really can't imagine losing my mother. It's naive of me to admit this, but you know that saying? That God will never allow anything to happen to you that you can't handle? I think maybe it's in the Bible or something. Or at least I had Sunday School teachers tell me it was. Anyway, I always thought that was why I still have my mother. I'm afraid right now of writing these words and putting them down, like I'm tempting fate or the devil or some force in the universe to prove me wrong. It's especially ridiculous to write this down today when my friend is experiencing a tragedy she thought she was protected from for many years.

I could not imagine life without my mother. She's on vacation right now, and it's been hard not being able to speak to her these past few days. I can't imagine a lifetime without her nagging or her laugh or her unsolicited advice. I moan and whine, but I love her so much. I can't imagine trying to navigate through life without her or without any of my most precious people.

How does anyone manage to survive such dark places? I guess by focusing on the ones they love that are still here. Thank God she has her husband. Maybe that's it. She couldn't have survived this any sooner than the moment it happened. I'm taking this too far, I know. No one can find an explanation for tragedy, but I think part of that saying comes from the belief that God loves us. And other people love us. I love my friend. I wish I could be with her now and that I could take her pain away and put her on her honeymoon with her sweet, loving husband where she belongs. I would do anything for those I love.

I'm mesmerized by the trailer for that sad movie Things We Lost in the Fire. It looks heartbreaking, doesn't it? The song from that trailer gets stuck in my head.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold

When tragedy strikes us or nearby, we're reminded of how short life is and how unpredictable. It makes us want to reach out to those we have and make sure they know how loved they are. And the difference they make in our life.

Go call your mom and tell her you love her.

An Ever-Fixed Mark

A couple weeks ago, one of my good friends was in a fight with one of her friends. It happened at a bar, so it was unfortunately in public. I tried to ignore the argument and let them settle things while talking to another friend, who happens to be a guy. He was entranced by the fight, and I literally had to tear his eyes and attention away from the two girls.

We started talking about what was happening. I tried to explain what they were arguing about. I also told him that my friends and I are not those "catty girls" who revel in loud, public fights, or fights at all. I'm pretty laidback and prefer to surround myself with similar people. I explained that while one of the girls was always trying to stir up drama, the other, the one I'm close with, is not at all like that.

He snickered and said that girls fight a lot. I said maybe that's true, but all girls are not drama queens. The girls I'm friends with don't fight with their friends. He said that he knew a lot of girls that were like us and aren't so argumentative ...but...there are a lot of girls who are. He said girls are more competitive with each other than guys are.

Then he told an awful joke. He prefaced it, warning me it was bad and not a representation of his true sentiments. But nevertheless, he told it. He said, "Girls don't have friends. They have temporary alliances."

Throughout the history of the women's rights movement, women have been women's own worst enemy. Suffrage wouldn't have taken as long if there weren't so many women opposed to it who were just as aggressive in their protests and lobbying against it. Same thing with the ERA. I think that when you have one group with less power, there's a lot of infighting within that group grasping for the little power they can have.

The past year, I've had troubles with friends. It all took me by surprise. The last time I fought with a friend, seriously fought, I was in high school. In middle school, I was always the girl that the clique picked on or singled out, and it was a horrible feeling. I just wanted friends to have fun with, and I didn't understand all the meanness.

I find myself now just as confused. Though also wondering what could be wrong with me that I've had these problems. I am dumbfounded at the behavior I've encountered. I can't believe people act this way, much less to people they called friends, and I'm extremely surprised that the behaviors are coming from the people they're coming from. That makes me even more convinced that there must be something wrong with me, I must be doing something bad or awful, I must be causing this.

But the more I go over and over situations, I can't find major mistakes that I made. And certainly nothing unforgivable. So what is it then? This girl/girl competition? No. That I know is not it. Because I have wonderful, rich, deep friendships with other women where such competition does not exist.

Looking back at the past two years, I feel that I've changed and developed a lot. I'm deeper than I was before. And my outlines are a little darker. Maybe as we get older, we become more complicated, more principled, and it becomes more difficult to maintain friendships. Not every relationship can withstand the test of fire, after all, or the test of anything sometimes. But oh, the ones that can are invincible, indestructible. I may have lost friends, but I've also gained friends.


Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Karma - A Bitch? Or a Hoax?

Last Friday night, I retold one of my favorite stories from high school. And I ended it by saying, "And that's when I started believing in karma. Because I thought that if someone didn't treat me right, karma was on my side and would get em for me!"

After telling that story, I started thinking about karma again. Do I still believe in karma? I like the idea of it. And the mysticism. But I've seen so many bad things happen to good people. That's not exactly how karma works, though, is it? Isn't it just that if you do good, good will come back to you and if you do bad, bad will come back to you? But it can't be perfect. Let's look it up -

kar·ma
Pronunciation Key - [kahr-muh]

1. Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti (def. 1), jnana.
2. Theosophy. the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.
3. fate; destiny.

There are still a couple people, if my original philosophy that karma was all about being good or bad to me holds true, who still haven't gotten their just desserts. Recently, in fact, that has begun to puzzle me...and irritate me. So my belief in karma started to fade, without my even realizing it. Until yesterday, that is.

A wonderful woman that I know, a mother of a close friend, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had surgery and went back to her doctor a couple days ago for a check-up. She was told that some of her tissue was dying and causing a serious infection so she needed emergency surgery. My friend called me at midnight, from another continent, asking if I would take off work yesterday to be with her mom. I said yes, of course.

Yesterday morning, I woke up earlier than usual because I wanted to be at the hospital early, and it was an hour away. Groggily, I ate breakfast and got ready. No time for coffee. But as I was driving, I realized I needed gas and stopped at a gas station in literally the worst part of DC. I got out of my car to pump the gas and thought I had better lock my cardoor...then locked my keys in my car.

I was stuck without my cell phone, without cash and without a clue what to do. I walked to a police station that was only a block away and asked the nice officers there for help. They called a sergeant on duty who had jimmies to see if he could get into my car. After waiting an hour for him to show up, he couldn't get into the car. My eyes teared up, feeling sad for my friend's mom who was scared and alone and also sad that I wanted so badly to make this easier for her and her family. My foolishness was preventing me from being there when she needed someone the most.

The sergeant had pity on me and told me he would call a locksmith. He did. And there was more waiting. I called my mom collect (no cash) from a pay phone and asked her to call the hospital for me. More waiting. And dodging a man clearly on drugs as well as a couple "hey baby!'s" from passersby. Finally,the sergeant came back and told me he would wait with me for the locksmith.

While the sergeant was giving someone directions, I saw a AAA truck pull up and thought they were who he called. They weren't, but the man was kind enough to help me. He told me he wasn't going to charge me. He said he still needed to earn his blessing for the day. Karma.

I thought maybe since I was doing a good deed by visiting with my friend's mom, I was being rewarded with kindness from a stranger. I started to feel good. That the universe was recognizing me. I was so relieved to be back on my way, thanked everyone profusely and smiled as I drove to the hospital.

Then I remembered why I was going. Breast cancer. A kind, genuine, good woman had breast cancer. A woman and a family who have already suffered more than most ever do. That can't be karma. And I'm back to being confused about the ways of the world. Why do bad things happen to good people? Maybe this whole karma thing is just a ploy to scare people into being good and nice.

All we can do is pray. And try to be the best people we can be.

We All Learn to Love

One of my best friends had a baby a little over a year ago. It's really the first baby that I've been around since I babysat in high school. It was an awkward adjustment for me, I'm not gonna lie. Babies are...weird. For a long time, they don't talk or move. They just cry and poop. Ick. But they get a lot cuter when they start to walk around and talk nonsense. Isabelle is her name, and she's really starting to grow on me.

At Christmas, she called me 'dog' which is what she calls anything she likes a lot so that was a big compliment. And when I saw her last weekend at Easter, she was the sweetest she's been in her short little life. See, what I learned while watching my friend become a parent is that babies have to learn to smile and laugh and love. At first she only smiled when she farted. I'm serious! I guess it felt funny to her.

Well, for the first time, she hugged me last weekend. She recently learned hugging and what that means, and she really likes it. She hasn't mastered kissing yet (and yes, I know, it can take some people YEARS haha). When she kisses, she just sort of pushes her face against your cheek. Still cute, but not quite right.

But hugging she has down pat. She gets hugging. And it feels good to her. To show love and get love in return. It's funny that love doesn't really come naturally to us. That it's not a natural instinct like walking. People value love in different ways.

For me, love has always been a top priority in my life. I want to constantly be around my friends and family and when I am, I get overwhelmed so often at how strong the love emotions I feel are. Sometimes, I can't help but grin. I look around at my friends laughing at the bar or at my family chattering away with one another, and I am overcome.

I've always put my relationships with other people first in my life. As a friend told me recently, when we're old and look back at our lives, we won't care as much about what we did as we will about how much fun we had and how happy we were. I believe that with my whole heart. So how I can leave those I love so much?

For some, leaving is a part of life. Some people don't form strong bonds or don't value the people in their lives over their career accomplishments or aspirations. Some people don't value others over themselves. I do. I am not like those people - I can't even understand them.

My stomach has been hurting me a lot lately. I have a decision to make, and it is the most difficult one that I've had to make in a long time. I don't feel equipped to make it. I need more time. I need more information. I need a sign or something telling me what to do. Because this is not coming natural to me. This decision. Usually, I can tell by my stomach whether I'm making the right decision or not. But this time, my stomach is just as confused as I am. When I think for awhile about making one decision, my stomach cramps. And it feels just the same when I think about the other decision. Which makes me think that there may be hurt on either side of this choice.

I envy that sweet little baby. Things were a lot simpler back then. But she's just learning about love, and even though I've had more practice, I find that there's always something I can learn about love. But because I know it so well, I'm able to experience it more fully. And one thing you learn as you get older is that love complicates things and brings with it a lot of pain and fear.

In catholic school
As vicious as roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised
By a lady in black
And I held my tongue
As she told me "Son,
Fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

My Portion

I am so content right now it's eerie. Suspiciously so. I just feel so centered and grounded and so aware of every moment.

I look back sometimes at these silly posts and remember what was happening in my life when I wrote each one. If anyone reads this (ok, besides the 3 people that do), they would have no idea the context of each reflection or commentary. But it's so much better when you can color in the background.

I have watched myself grow up. It's such an amazing thing to be able to notice. Hurrah. Progress! And I've watched my friends grow up too, which is truly beautiful. It's a rare and special thing that I have so many close friends that I've known for such a long time. I really treasure our history.

I've seen them graduate, choose careers, find success, marry, even become a parent. We've made mistakes together and helped each other move on. Even despite distance because, sadly, all my best friends do not live in one area. But we manage. I know that there are a handful of good people that I could call no matter what time, day or night. When they get married, I'm there no matter what. When my friend had her child, I flew home and met the sweet baby when she was just hours old. We go to funerals to support each other and throw parties to celebrate each other. I just could not make it through life's big moments without these people, and I am so incredibly blessed to have so much love in my life.

And so I'm content. I don't really care, for the first time in my life, if I ever marry or find someone. In fact, I rather like being single and hope I stay single for a long while. I'm just so happy in my life, I really can't imagine anything else coming into it. And I really don't want anything to. My cup overflows. I have enough.

There's a Bible verse I like, somewhere in Psalms, that says God is my portion. Yes, God is my portion. And my friends and family are my portion too. Exactly the right amount of sustenance and substance. I am content.

In an Instant

I'm so restless lately. For the past week or so, I've had this feeling of just being unsettled. And like I'm standing on the edge of something that's about to happen. It kind-of feels like that uneasiness you get in your stomach when you're on a rollercoaster and you're going up a hill, knowing that at any second, you're going to drop and speed down.

I found out last week that my grandfather's not feeling well again. He could have a cold or it could be something else. We really just have to wait and see if he starts feeling better. Whenever I talk to my mother about him going to a doctor or not feeling well or anything, my heart stops beating. I stop breathing. I stop moving. And I feel like time is standing still for that brief moment.

I have a close friend who lost her father several years ago. I was at the funeral, I remember it vividly, and I remember feeling so helpless. Wanting to do something or say something, but feeling as though I had no influence or control on how she felt. I know now that just being there for her was the best and most important thing I could do. We weren't as close then as we are now, but she knew I was there for her, grieving with her, supporting her, and that made a difference, however small.

During the months he was sick, she measured that time in instants. She remembers the last hug. She remembers the last time she said 'I love you.' She remembers all she learned and experienced because she knew that time with him was running out and she soaked up as much of it as she could.

Now my friend's mother has breast cancer. It's small, they caught it just about as early as you can catch it, and her doctor told her she would not die. But my dear sweet friend and her family are reminded of that dark, sad time when they lost her father. And again, I feel helpless. I told her what she means to me. We've grown into women together, and it's hard watching someone I value so much and know so well, such a genuine, caring person, it's hard watching life hit her again with another unfair punch.

Of what she's going through (and has already survived), she says this, "Pain reminds us we are alive, that we are all the same, and that to feel is to live and love, and nothing else matters."

I often wonder what it will be like when the great patriarch of my family is taken from this world. I know getting the phone call will be a life-changing instant. Everything before that point will be completely different than everything after it. It will be in a completely different color...language, even. I don't know where I will be when it happens, what my life will be like, who will be the most important people to me that will carry me through what can only be desperate hysteria.

"Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."

The above quote is from The Year of Magical Thinking which was a beautiful, vulnerable portrait of grief. I loved it, it was moving and eloquently written, but I felt distanced from it. Like I'm still too young, my heart is still too clean from scars, for me to fully understand its meaning and message. I do not know grief that big and cannot possibly imagine it because I have not known love that deep or inseverable.

Because to feel pain, we first must love. And knowing that, truly understanding that, helps us to a greater appreciation of the love we currently have. If I realize that one day the love I have for those most dear to me will come to an end (at least physical), I feel an urgency to express that love to those individuals, to do what I can to show my love, to squeeze tighter and hold on longer. And that is one of the ways that experiencing pain makes us better people.

Soulmates

I'm currently working on a final project for one of my classes. The project is on the television show "Sex and the City" and discusses the media images and messages that encapsulate the program. So many feminists criticize the show for reinforcing the idea that single women want men and desire marriage. They think that shows like that and movies like "Bridget Jones' Diary" are confirming the belief that women are nothing without men and spend their whole lives thinking about men and trying to figure out how to catch one.

I disagree with that analysis. I am a feminist and believe that women should be strong and independent, but at the same time, I am a single person who hopes to find love and get married one day. I think it is the most natural human urge. Whether you believe there is a religious purpose in seeking out a mate or if you believe that biologically species want to copulate and produce offspring in order to further the species, it is undeniable that human beings want to pair up.

The real issue at the heart of this controversy is the delicate balance of never letting this natural desire take control over your life or dictate the choices you make. Everyone likes the idea of "soulmates," but not everyone ends up married or stays married. The way that women can achieve this balance is by clinging to one another, and I believe that that is the message "Sex and the City" attempts to get across to its audience. Life is hard, but love from a man is not the only way you can survive. Hold onto one another, hold onto your close girlfriends, and you will never feel alone.

At this moment in my life I am recognizing the reality that I may never get married and that fairy tales do not exist. I will be 25 soon, which to me, feels like a milestone. I have survived for a quarter of a century. It is truly an accomplishment to look back at my experiences and the lessons I have learned. I think I'm doing allright so far. It's also getting a bit intimidating when I wonder about the next 25 years.

What will happen? Will I ever find someone? Will I get married and have a family of my own? These are not the only questions, mind you, I am certainly wondering about the career path I will take and what city I will choose as the backdrop for my life. I think, however, that the most important component in a happy, fulfilled life is friends. My birthday wish for my 25th year, and for all the years that have yet to come, is that my life will be full of soulmates. Full of close friends who love and support me and will always be there, no matter what. As Charlotte said to Carrie, Miranda, and Samantha, "Maybe we can all be each other's soulmates."