Oops.

Guys! Sorry! I can't believe it's been SO long since I've written anything. I suck. I keep thinking about things to write, but never have the time to sit down and do it. This semester is rough!

Things are still perfect and dreamy with my sweet boyfriend! I am the luckiest girl in the world. School is good, but busy with grading, writing, researching oh my! I presented at a conference last week, which went well, and get to present at one in Oregon soon then in New York in May. Very exciting! Ooo and San Fran next fall. So things are finally coming together on that end.

I was recently reminded of a guy I dated for about a minute a few years ago when I awkwardly saw his brother at a party. The truth is I have a total girl crush on his brother's wife cuz she's incredible, but as soon as he (the dude I dated, not her husband ew) and I kissed, she peaced out. I kept wanting to say, "But wait...this doesn't mean anything...I'll never talk to him again if it means we can stay together!" Ha. I'll write more on that later, he was hilarious, but the guy totally looks like the nerdy sidekick from N.C.I.S. You know the one, McFee or McGee or something. Aw. I've always been a sucker for nerds!

I'll write more later! Promise!!

Thoughts on Being Stranded in an Airport

I'm sitting in the Las Vegas airport...and my flight is delayed. My guy flew out here with me last Friday, and we had a marvelous weekend together. Then I stayed for a conference. Lucky for me, this airport has free WiFi. Here are some observations I'd like to share with you.

Pajamas are not to be worn in public. Unless you go to Wal-Mart, that seems to be a common thing there, but nowhere else is it acceptable. Certainly not the airport. If it says "Victoria's Secret," it should remain a secret. And yes, I know those are pajamas because I own a pair.

It's okay for tiny children to sleep in the aisle at the gate. Even cute. It is not okay or remotely cute for 40 year old grown adults. Also, scrunchies went out of style in 1989. So did that shade of turquoise.

Please cover your mouth when you cough and keep your Swine Flu to yourself. Old men are gross.

There's an Amish family, and I just can't stop staring at them. Why are they at an airport? Why do all Amish women have unibrows? Even if I didn't get mine waxed, they wouldn't look like that. Did they really make those dresses by hand? Amazing. I mean, they're ugly, but it's still amazing. I can barely make a sandwich.

Jersey Shore is a cultural phenomenon being discussed by people from all walks of life. Loudly. If I wanted to hear Snooki's whine, I'd turn on the TV.

I see a stranded teddy bear in the aisle next to mine. I want it.

Ew. Another old man coughing. I'm surrounded. I may contract the plague.

The woman sitting behind me literally just rested her head on my shoulder. I have got to get out of here.

If a Small Thing Makes You Angry, What Does That Say About Your Size?

I'm watching Oprah because I'm home alone, and it's cold as balls outside. I don't even know what that expression means, but it's damn cold. 21 degrees in Hotlanta the last time I checked, and we actually have some snow on the ground.

Oprah just shared something that Maya Angelou told her once. I wish I had Maya to call up when I have a problem or question about life. Maybe my new year's resolution should be to make friends with her. Anyway...

She said: "When someone shows you who they are - believe them."

That is one tall order, but so so true. I have this problem where I always see the best in people. It's a foolish mistake I've made again and again, but I always trust people and believe they can change, I believe in the good that might not really be there. This led me into bad relationship after bad relationship with the wrong guys, but my blind eyes have caused other problems for me as well.

I'm really terrible at confrontation and conflict. Sometimes I find myself wanting to laugh in the middle of an argument because I think angry people can be so funny. Don't they realize how ridiculous they're acting? Or how absurd they sound? Are you really that mad about such a small thing? But no, they don't, and yes, they are.

I've had many conflicts in my life with one person. I've bit my tongue over and over, not wanting to start World War III over something trivial; and I've made excuses every time. What's the use anyway? Any time she's ever apologized to me it's been because someone made her and/or it's come with a caveat. "I'm sorry but...I wasn't feeling well that day" or "I'm sorry but...you made me mad when you did this" Why even bother when someone can't see anything from another person's perspective? Why even bother when she'll always fight longer and cut deeper?

But I always make the mistake of seeing the good in her and trying to forget the bad. I make those excuses for her, I push things out of my mind. The truth is that time and time again she's shown herself to me, and I've refused to believe her.

It is hard to be good. It is hard to do the right thing.

The Bible says to turn the other cheek when someone hurts us, and that always confused me as a child. As an adult, I think it means that when someone hurts you, sometimes the best thing to do is not to fight and not get dragged down to their level. Sometimes you have to walk away from a conflict so that you can respect yourself and salvage your dignity. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue in order to preserve peace, and sometimes you have to hold back because fighting will only make things worse.

She says horrible things to people she loves, she says things on purpose to hurt people, she'll do anything to feel like she's right and that she won the argument. There is no way to win with someone like that because I am not that callous, I am not that cruel, and I don't want to fight dirty just so I can get in a few punches.

I've heard 90% of anger comes from fear. That's another thing that helps me in some situations. When someone is very angry and it seems to come out of nowhere, the truth is that it comes from fear, they're very afraid of something and that fear is manifesting in ugly ways. Sometimes it's easy to figure out what's making them so fearful, sometimes it's not, but that knowledge helps me find sympathy when I'm feeling unsympathetic.

It is hard to be good. And it is hard to see the ugly in someone else. But sometimes you have to.

T.M.I. Thursday

I have a hilariously inappropriate story to share. (That's a good way to start a post, isn't it?)

To begin with, I live in Georgia, and Georgia is full of icky germy allergy-inducing things. I started taking Allegra-D a few months ago, and it rocks my world. Usually taking just one pill a day works well, but lately I've needed one in the morning and one at night. Anyone who owns a TV knows that prescription drugs have lots of yummy side effects, and one common for Allegra is dry mouth. The thing is "dry mouth" doesn't just mean your mouth is dry...it means other things might lack moisture as well.

Are you following me?

Now I am a girl with a healthy sexual appetite, and thankfully, with a boyfriend quite adept at satisfying said appetite. We have zero problems in the bedroom, and honestly, that's another first for me. Since I enjoy my intimate moments with him so much, I didn't want to let a pesky thing like allergy medicine stand in the way. A friend recommended...and here's where we get personal...KY inserts. They're actually really great. You just use them every four days or so, or while you're taking 2 allergy pills a day, and everything goes smoothly.

There are two kids of inserts. Liquibeads which are like little tiny eggs, and then there's an applicator pre-filled with translucent goop. I've used the beads a couple times, but you get 6 in a box, and they're expensive. For a dollar more, you can buy the pre-filled applicators and get 8 in a box. I'm all for saving money so I decided to try those.

The thing is that I couldn't figure out how to put the applicator together. I know, I'm getting a Ph.D., I should be able to handle this. But seriously! Those drawings are confusing! It's like they're made by IKEA and should come with an allen wrench or something.

So there I am. In the bathroom yesterday - shirt on, pants off. With the instructions lying on the counter in front of me and two pieces of the applicator in my hands. I put them together just like the drawing shows, but the bottom half falls out on the floor. I pick it up, wash it off, and try to insert it again, looking at it closely to make sure the pieces are fitting together right...

And I literally shot myself in the face with lube. It got in my eye and went up my nose.

I felt like I was in a Ben Stiller movie. I had goop all over me. In my hair, on my shirt, and oh yeah, all over my freaking face. The worst was it really burned my eye! And it was hard to wash out! Cuz it's lube and didn't wash out right away with water. I think my eyeball absorbed the lube! I am such a walking disaster. Though when I decide to write a raunchy comedy, that scene is totally going in it.

Thankfully, after I cleaned myself up and re-applied my make-up, the second try worked like a charm. And I made sweet, wet love to my boyfriend that night. Though my nose did feel weird all day like I accidentally snorted water at the pool.

My Good Year

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written anything. The past few weeks have been so hectic with school. I turned in a 30 page paper two weeks ago, last week was Thanksgiving of course, and now I have just two weeks left to write two more papers. Busy, busy, busy. And none of it is good. Every semester has been hard, but this one...I don't know what's been so unbearable but it just feels worse. Soon, it will be over, and I'm already taking study breaks to peruse Amazon for fun books to read on the break. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel whether we can see it or not.

The past year has been such a whirlwind. I can't believe it's gone by so fast. The first anniversary of my sweet grandfather's passing came and went. My perfect boyfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary a couple weeks ago with a trip to Baltimore. And next spring will be my last semester taking classes...forever. So much has happened in such a short amount of time.

I am going to marry this man.

What an odd realization. It's not a new one. I've known for several months, and he's known since our very first date. He called his brother on his way home that night. He flew up to Knoxville for lunch after we'd had only a few dates because he flies for free and he missed me. That was last Christmas. Hard to believe it was a year ago.

He's everything I ever dreamed of, everything I ever hoped for and all I ever wanted that I never truly believed existed. Everyone always told me I was waiting for someone too perfect to be real, that my standards were too high and unreasonable, that I wasn't grounded in reality. After awhile, I could see they might be right. I started imagining my life alone, on my own, and really didn't mind the changed future I saw for myself.

The thing is that I've had a lot of heartache in my little life. I've had more struggles than most people I know that are my age. I've never complained. I had a rough childhood in many ways, but really, I had so much love that I made it through things many don't. I got sick ten years ago and learned I may never be well again, but I had so much love in my life that I could see it outweighed anything bad. Love has always saved me, love has always made the difference. So of course lasting romantic love would find me. It didn't need me to believe in it to come.

He's kind. He's thoughtful. And he's so good. He's such a good person I always say he's the best person I know. He's a hard worker, so committed to his friends and family, sweet and funny and such fun to be around. He makes me omelets for breakfast. He takes out the trash without ever being asked. He misses me when we're apart for even a day. He tells me I'm beautiful several times a day. In the morning when we wake up, he tells me he loves me and says, "Good morning, beautiful." He supports me tirelessly, always encouraging, always believes in me and sees more in me than I often see myself. He would do anything for me.

I love being with him. I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel happy and joyful and like I'm breathing for the very first time. Weights are lifted. I can do anything. And I just want to be near him all the time. Very different feelings for someone who always cherished alone time and never let any guy get too close. It was an adjustment, but one that feels natural now.

I often wonder how I got so lucky. It felt too good to be true for so long, but now, I just thank God and pray we can spend long, healthy lives together. It's funny. In other relationships, I've worried about what life will be like "when" we break up (because until now there was no "if"), I've worried that he'll leave me for someone else, that he'll stop loving me, that I'll stop loving him. But with my guy now, the only worry I have is that one of us will die before we're 100.

I don't know when, but I know I will marry this man. This is the love I spent my whole life wishing for. And it's better than I ever imagined it would be. A lot can happen in a year. I can't wait to see what the next one holds.

Say Whaaaat?

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," Kate Moss tells Women's Wear Daily in a new interview.

Way to advocate eating disorders. For girls that already want to look like Kate Moss, or any supermodel, now she's telling us how. Our society is fucked up.

The F Word.

I'm a feminist. GASP!

It's such a scary word, isn't it? But if you sit down to think about what being a feminist means, even if you can't use the word, chances are that you'll find you can check every item on the list.

Feminism gave us the most basic civil rights we take for granted now but which were once revolutionary and ludicrous. Feminism gave us the right to vote, and in this country, women were literally beaten and sent to jail for protesting for that right. Feminism gave women the right to divorce their husbands and to own property - not too long ago, women were the property. When a male head of the household died, the money passed along to the next male relative and often women were left with nothing. The property laws changed because there were so many homeless widows it became annoying.

Feminism also gave us recent rights. Feminism gave us maternity leave. Feminism gave us equal pay for equal work. Feminism promotes good self-esteem for girls and raises awareness about eating disorders and body image issues. Feminism points out that women don't look like models airbrushed in magazines and that the media fuels unrealistic expectations of beauty and that's not okay. It provided laws and protection against domestic violence, rape and genital mutilation. Feminism is why we have domestic violence shelters and rape crisis centers. Feminism said "No means no."

This week, I got to meet two of the most outstanding, most renowned feminists. And got to hear them speak! Susan Faludi, who famously wrote a book called Backlash about the media's backlash against feminism. And Gloria Fucking Steinem, who famously did, well, everything. I had the honor of meeting her tonight. I was in utter awe and giddy like a teenage girl meeting that Twilight dude with the hair.

I gushed to my boyfriend about it, about how amazed and excited I was to see them both. Then I said that after finally meeting Gloria Steinem, I didn't know what other amazing feminist I had left to meet. I said that sadly most of them are dead. And then he said, "You can be the next one." I love my boyfriend. He is perfect.

My family finds my politics and my feminism weird. My mom told me years ago to hide all my feminist books because if guys saw them, they wouldn't want to date me. I told her that would be hiding who I am and that any guy that's going to be with me is going to be a feminist. She laughed, but I found him. I love my feminist man. And I love my feminism.