It's Great to be a Tennessee VOL!

Usually in the fall, there’s nothing better than some good ole Tennessee football. This year is a little different than the others. Cuz we friggin’ suck. Aw but I do still love my Vols more than anything.

I’ve been going to Tennessee games for as long as I can remember. And man, were we terrible back then. Thanks, Johnny Majors. For showing up drunk and doing nothing.

I remember my mom and I went to see Tennessee play Florida one year. I was really little, and it was a home game. We lost, of course, like we still do to those rotten Gators, but we lost bad – got shut out I think. All the UT fans were sullen and sad, shuffling quietly back to our cars, while the Florida fans were shouting and taunting us. I didn’t understand why they were being so mean. They should be happy they won. So I asked my mom why they were doing that. She said, “Cuz they're a bunch of assholes.”

Yes, no matter what, we love our Tennessee Volunteers. Glorious or hideous, we’ll always love em. And that’s why we dragged our 1-3 asses down to Neyland Stadium Saturday in hopes that we could beat a team we’d never even heard of. We tried to give them the game, but they didn’t take it so we won 13 to 9.

Q: How would you compare Tennessee’s defense, offense and special teams?
A: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

Q: What are UT’s chances of returning to the Georgia Dome this year?
A: Gone With the Wind.

Q: What do you think about Vanderbilt being the only undefeated team in the SEC?
A: Revenge of the Nerds.
(This one could apply to Duke’s football team too. Sorry, Blue Devils, but we need our coach back.)

I think the best thing about going to a UT game is the rednecks. I love rednecks. I’m not even trying to be mean or make fun of them. I'm serious – I really love Tennessee rednecks. A man dressed in camo (besides orange and white, camo is Tennessee’s third color that only true fans wear) gave us directions on Saturday. Once I went to a game and parked in a yard where the guy taking the money offered me a swig of one of the surrounding counties’ finest. That’s moonshine, y’all. And you know I took it.

To tell the truth, I think I like the Yankees so much because going to Yankee Stadium reminds me of Neyland Stadium. Turns out New Yorkers are not that different from rednecks. They have a lot of spirit. They get really into the game, shouting and yelling all the time. They even boo their own team because they demand absolute perfection. The loudest shouter in all of Neyland has seats near ours. "Dadblammit, REF! Open your EYES!" He’s also a deacon at our church. And everyone, from the smallest kids to the girliest girls, knows the players’ names and the team's stats.

Q: How many UT fans does it take eat a 'possum?
A: Two. One to eat and one to watch out for traffic.
(The funniest thing about this joke is about ten years ago a State Rep. from Knoxville sponsored a law making it legal to eat roadkill in the Great State of Tennessee.)

I think I love fireworks so much because fireworks mean Tennessee scored. Even the air above the stadium celebrates in orange and white. Seriously - look at that picture. Literally every person in the stadium is wearing orange. You really have to love your team to wear Big Orange. It doesn’t look good on anyone and is so bright it reflects sunlight. It’s blinding.

Q: Why did fans choose orange as Tennessee’s color?
A: So we could go huntin' on Friday, go to the game on Saturday and pick up trash on the highway Sunday.

I got my master’s at the University of Georgia. A school in the Old South nestled inside the Classic City. I loved it, but be clear on this – my two favorite teams are Tennessee and whoever plays Georgia. Those fans are nasty mean. A five year old yelled “Fuck Tennessee!” at me while his dad laughed. One guy called me a stupid bitch. I told him he was a sore loser, which you know is true. Though I hear it’s worse in Gainesville. One girl I knew had bricks thrown at her car. SEC Football = Full Scale War

And my belief that all girls in the SEC knew their football was totally obliterated. Most of those Georgia girls don’t even know what team their school is playing next weekend. But they do love their little red and black sundresses. A confusing tradition. How can you walk up concrete steps and stand on bleachers in heels? More importantly, why would you?

In Tennessee, we wear jeans and the aforementioned Big Orange. We leave our heels at home for church Sunday morning, where we go to pray for next weekend's game. Our purses are not cute for their sole purpose is to stash Jack Daniels. We shout as loud as the boys. We cuss when we get mad at the special teams (cuz it’s always special teams' fault – the only thing special about them is they should ride a short bus to games). For all good boys and girls, football is life.

Q: Why aren’t there any prostitutes in Tennessee?
A: Cuz they’re all VOLUNTEERS!

That’s a terrible joke.

Rocky Top is the single greatest anthem of all time. I think it’s even better than the national anthem, and I don’t care if a Republican calls me unpatriotic for saying so. It’s got everything. Moonshine, wild women, mountains, rocks, dirt. We love our fight song so much, we sing it incessantly. We sing it in the car on the way to the game. We sing it at the tailgate. We sing it while walking to the stadium. It’s our ringtone, our ringback tone, our personal theme song.

We play it when we get a first down, a field goal, a touchdown, a good call or when Fat Phil finds the last Krispy Kreme. I was trying to explain how much we love Rocky Top to a friend once and decided to count just how many times we played it in a single game. 33. And that was a game against South Carolina when South Carolina was bad (pre-Spurier, Carolina Girl!).

When we finished the upper deck onto our stadium after winning the NCAA National Freaking Championship in 1998, fans that sat up there were disappointed with their seats because it was too hard to hear the Pride of the Southland Marching Band. Which meant it was too hard to hear Rocky Top all 33 times per game. The band listened to the people, and now there’s a traveling mini-band whose entire purpose is to make their way across the upper deck playing Rocky Top.

Rocky Top you'll always be
Home sweet home to me
Good ol' Rocky Top (woo!)
Rocky Top Tennessee,
Rocky Top Tennessee

GO VOLS!

We'll always love you. Even when you’re bad.

* I wanna give a big "Go Vols" shout-out to govolsxtra.com for linking to this little blog of mine. Visit that site for all the latest updates about how the Vols will resuscitate the football program. And if any of the powers that be are reading (eh hem, this means you, Mike Hamilton!), please get Fulmer to retire so we can bring David Cutcliffe back home to be our head coach. Fulmer's a good coach and a great vol, but it's time to say goodbye. We want Cutcliffe!!! NOW!

What Makes the World Go Round?

You know those commercials where people are doing good deeds for strangers? I think they're insurance commercials actually. Someone pulls someone else onto the sidewalk so they don't get hit by a bus, someone picks up something another person dropped to give back to them, someone catches a kid falling out of a tree - corny stuff like that. I love those commercials. They make me feel all warm and gooey inside. And I think it's true that good creates more good and kindness creates more kindness.

Unfortunately, it works the other way too.

A few weeks ago a pedestrian flipped me off! I was stopped at a red light, and I guess he thought I was going to run it and hit him? So he flipped me off. I got so upset because I wasn't even doing anything wrong or anything to merit such a reaction. Then I noticed what was happening. I was letting this jerk make me angry and turn me into a jerk. Who knows? Maybe a stranger just spilled coffee on him, and he was taking that negative and being negative to someone else. I decided to put a stop to it right there and think happy thoughts. I didn't want to let someone else's negativity have an influence on my mood or my life.

It's a hard thing to do to shrug off someone's insults, someone's snarky comment or the bird they just flipped at you. I care a lot about what people think about me. Too much really, but I think that's a problem a lot of people have and one that's okay because it's better to care too much than too little. I had to teach myself a hard but important lesson in the past few years. Someone else's opinion of me is not necessarily the truth. Just because some stranger got mad at me doesn't mean I should get mad at him or at all.

It also doesn't even mean that his insult was really meant for me. Maybe it was really about the guy who just spilled coffee on him or the girlfriend that just dumped him. Even when it feels like everything is about me, it really isn't.

The best way that I've found to combat such negativity is to do something good. I say a prayer for the person. I thank God for my many blessings and list them to remind myself of all the good that is in my life. And I try to do something nice for someone else. That way I'm taking the negative power out of the situation and turning it into a way to bring more good into the world. It's important to always use our powers for good not evil after all!

Trick or Treat!

I love Halloween. I'm all for Jesus and Christmas is cool, but it's hard to top a night out on the town wearing a sexy costume. It's the one time of year that a good girl can dress like a bad girl. Every guy's fantasy (according to Usher) is the lady in the street, freak in the bed, and Halloween gives us the opportunity to take that inner freak out to the streets. So ironically, you're wearing a costume while showing your true self.

I usually have a hard time deciding what I'm going to be. A lot of it depends on where I'm going and who I'm going with. Here's a list of my costumes of Halloween Past - sexy firefighter (the costumes all have to have "sexy" in front of them, don't they?), a genie, a dominatrix (twice), sexy Bat Girl (see?) and a sexy cat.

This year I've decided to go as Catwoman because I've always wanted to. And I also decided this should be the sluttiest year ever because once I hit 30, I can't be as slutty. Of course, all my friends who are 30+ disagree with this. And maybe I do too. I'm not 30 yet after all and maybe my slut days aren't as numbered as I think.

What is it about Halloween? Why can't we dress however we want all year round? I don't really know the answer to that, but I do know that all the black vinyl in my closet only comes out once a year. I would definitely get propositioned on the street otherwise. Which actually happened one Halloween...true story. Luckily, I was a dominatrix that year so I had a whip.

I said in my last entry that sometimes it's fun to be someone else for awhile, and that's definitely what Halloween is about. It's fun doing something you know you're not supposed to. I think women in our society feel the need to repress themselves a lot. We're always in control of our image and concerned about what people think of us. "What does my ass look like in these jeans?" "What if he sees me without my makeup on?" "Do I look professional enough to be taken seriously?" "Is this classy enough for my meeting with the CEO?" "What will his mother think of this outfit?" "Can I wear this to a wedding?"

I think more about what I look like the first few times I go out with a guy. I want to look just right. I wear makeup, heels, a nice outfit that's flattering and my hair down. It'll be weeks before I'll let him see me without makeup or with my hair in a ponytail. Or worse - my lazy outfits like yoga pants and old t-shirts. I want him to always think I'm pretty, but most of all, I want to feel pretty because then I'll be confident and, oddly enough, comfortable.

There's something about that first lazy Saturday, though, isn't there? That first day when you both just lie around watching TV or movies, reading the paper in bed. You don't care what you look like or what you're wearing. The mask and costume are off. "Grey sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect."

We wear costumes every day - The Professional, The First Date, Happy Hour with the Girls, Cute Workout Girl. And Halloween is the day that the costume and the self can be totally free and wild. Not to mention we do feel hot in the slutty outfit we're "not supposed to wear." I say to hell with convention, let your inner slut out, girls. Meow!

My Car Thinks I'm a Rock Star

That's right. I dance in my car. I rock out in my car. And occasionally I do get sideways glances from passersby. I was really jamming a couple months ago and spotted a couple laughing and pointing. I gave them the thumbs-up and tossed my hair around. It's important to be gracious to your fans, after all.

I match my underwear to my mood and sadly haven't been in the mood recently to wear my lacey flirty fun ones. It's almost like I decide in the morning how I want to feel the rest of the day, and that's how I pick between the sporty boy shorts and the sexy black cheekies.

But some moods require something stronger than knowing your ass looks hot in the lace you're wearing. I match my music to my mood too and have definitely been kicking it to flirty fun tunes of late. Something's gotta pep me up and liven me a bit, and music's been helping. What's better therapy than rock and roll?

I thought I'd share with you some favorites from my iPod, and maybe you'd find a new band that you like:

• The New Pornographers
• The Stills
• The Gossip
• The Rolling Stones
  
• The Ting Tings (what is it about band names? is there a rule they all have to start with the?)
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• Janis Joplin (still kicking ass almost 40 years after her death - say no to drugs, kids!)
  
• Electrocute
• Paramore
• Estelle (not rock but still flirty and peppy)
• Lady GaGa (also not rock but totally flirty and fun)
  
• Tilly and the Wall
• Brendon Benson
  
• Louis XIV
• Bain Mattox (based in Athens, GA - check him out!!)
  
• Garbage

As you can tell, I really dig rock bands with chicks. I'm a rocker chick, they're rocker chicks - it just makes sense. Or anyway, that's what I am in one of my many fantasy lives. And what does music offer but a way out of real life and into a fantasy world?

I imagine myself with pink streaks in my hair (done it), tight black leather pants (does vinyl count?), hot stilettos (closet is full of them) and a sexy top with a push-up bra (check, check!). If I have the costume, I can live the dream, right? I'm at least one step closer. Sometimes it helps to be somebody else for awhile.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

I am such a sappy girl. And this is why I love Grey’s Anatomy! I’m so happy to have it back in my life. It’s been too long, gang, too too long.

One thing I love about that show is the friendship between Meredith and Christina. A good girlfriend is sometimes better than a man. Sometimes you just need your girl. And this whole episode was about female friendship and how important it is. We cannot get through the rough patches without hands to hold. And it is easier to cry when someone cries with us.

A close friend visited me last weekend, and we talked about what our friendship means to each of us. We laughed about all we’ve been through, and we grinned with the comfort of knowing that whatever is to come, we will have each other.

When you don’t feel strong, it helps to be with someone who loves you. Sometimes their presence alone bolsters you, and you know that you can survive. And sometimes you look in their eyes and can see a reflection of the strength that is in your heart and it helps you remember who you are.

I don’t know what it is that’s so special and unique about female friendship. It’s easier to be vulnerable around a woman. I am fortunate enough to have been deeply loved in my little life, but I don’t have a true love just yet. I’m not sure how that will compare to the friendships in my life. But I do know that there will always be things I can only talk about with my girlfriends.

There’s a recent trend in television, and much thanks for this goes to the Sex and the City girls. The trend is the focus on the endurance and power of female friendships. And this replaces the ugly images of catfights and backstabbing. It’s a positive representation of women and a true one. Finally, there’s something real about women on television that we can relate to.

I love my girlfriends, and here’s a list of the reasons why –

• They always notice when I change my hair and always tell me it looks great…even when it looks like I stuck my finger in a socket.

• They drink champagne with me because they understand that some days are just champagne days.

• They tell me it’s ok to cry and it’s ok not to cry.

• They never tell me when they don’t think my boyfriend is “the one,” but I know if we were to get engaged, they’d do the hard thing and be honest.

• They go shopping with me and never say things like, “Are you sure you need that super cute new handbag?” because they understand it's not about "need," it's about "want."

• When one of us needs to have ice cream for dinner, we’re always willing to take one for the team and indulge in some delicious cold treats.

• We’re willing to rearrange our lives to be there for each other.

• They tell off people that are mean to me – whether it’s an angry college football fan, a rude dude in a bar, a mutual friend or a boyfriend, they speak up for me even when I can’t speak up for myself.

• They always defend the silver lining when I can’t find one.

• They’re always supportive – of my bad hair, my skirt that’s too short, my lackluster boyfriend, my overcooked meat, but more importantly they’re especially supportive when I struggle with believing in myself.

• When I talk to them about a fight I had with someone, they tell me where both of us were wrong so that instead of supporting me blindly, they're challenging me to be a better person.

• They're always up for being goofy whether it's watching bad MTV shows all day like it's our job, driving to the beach at midnight to see the sunrise, stuffing our faces with a giant bag of chocolate popcorn, rolling a guy friend's car, getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon while playing a board game or anything else that may tickle our fancy. Girls do just want to have fun, after all.
  

• No matter what, we’re always on each other’s side.

Why TV is Better Than Homework

In the past few weeks, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit. Watching The O.C. on Soap Net. It’s a guilty pleasure, and my only defense is that it’s cathartic to watch melodrama when your own life is especially dramatic. And that show is just hilarious. It's so bad, it's just good.

Personally, I always had a thing for Seth. Sure, Ryan’s heroism and hot muscles are hard to beat (and did I say hot?), but there’s just something charming about that weird little emo kid in his music tees. He’s funny, quirky, honest and so gosh darn cute. My heart always melts for the goofy romantic marching to the beat of his own drummer.

Marissa, on the other hand, I was never a fan of. Always crying, always falling down, always drunk. Get ahold of yourself, woman! I liked her better when she was the gross ghost always puking in The Sixth Sense. Not sure exactly what Ryan saw in her, but there are those guys that love playing "knight in shining armor" and a trainwreck like that girl provided plenty of “Save the Day!” opportunities.

Other awesomely bad TV shows still in syndication are, of course, 90210, Charmed and I actually really like that show What I Like About You. Amanda Bynes is so cute, I just want to put her in my pocket! And whatever happened to Felicity? That was in syndication, but somehow is lost in cyberspace now. Ooo Ben was one hot hottie with smokin’ hot arm muscles. Did I say hot?

Syndication be darned, though, because there are bunches of awesomely bad shows on right now. Gossip Girl just had a mindboggling plotline that would give some soap operas a run for their money. Nate, a high school senior, had an affair with a married woman, Katherine, who turned out to be the stepmother of his friend Blair’s boyfriend, Marcus. Then it was revealed that Katherine was also having an affair with Marcus. Oh and Nate had to sleep with Katherine because she knew where his dad the embezzler was hiding out and threatened to tell the feds. Seriously, who thinks this stuff up? Literary geniuses, that’s who.

And don't forget The Hills. It’s reality (but not) and melodrama all rolled into one. But all the people are pretty and clad in trendy fashion. What girl doesn’t have a crush on Brody? Hell, I even have a girl crush on Lauren. LC, if you’re reading, let’s be friends. I know we’d get along great, and I promise not to date one of your exes or tell the world about your sex tape. Think you can hook me up with some designer duds?

All I know is life is a lot more entertaining on television. For that matter, so is drama. What I wouldn’t give right now for a good, old fashioned love triangle with a couple of musclely dudes or a friend who’s being stalked by an ex on coke. Thank God for TV.

One Day at a Time

Uh oh, friends. I kissed a boy. Well truthfully, he kissed me after two failed attempts, and I eventually stopped dodging and kissed back. I don’t even know why I kissed him except that I was tired of saying “no” and was curious. I shouldn't have kissed because it's not right to kiss someone when you don't feel much of anything for them and know they feel a lot for you.

You see, he told me he loved me. When someone tells you they love you for the first time, it’s a beautiful and special thing. But all I could do was smile back because I love him, but just not that way. I can’t love right now. And I can’t handle being loved right now. I can’t handle any of this right now.

I realized a couple months ago that I don’t want a boyfriend. Actually I had felt that way for awhile, but didn’t know why until then. I realized that I don’t want a boyfriend because I couldn’t handle being in a relationship right now. I would be a shitty girlfriend. I don’t want to be loved right now or to love because I don’t want to think about anyone else but me. I don’t want to open up to someone when I really wouldn’t want to or feel bad for hurting his feelings for not leaning on him or any of the other crap that would come from having someone intimately in my life right now.

And I think that’s okay.

I was thinking the other day about regrets. I don’t know if my grandfather died with any regrets, but I hope not. I never had regrets before, but in the past three or so years, I’ve accumulated three. I don’t think they’re major or will plague me on my deathbed, but as for now, they’re stinging and real.

I know that these three mistakes have made me who I am today, in this moment. But I still regret them. They’re not life-altering mistakes, but they fill my stomach with pain and guilt every time I think about them. I’m embarrassed they happened because I know they shouldn’t have. I don’t believe that every mistake can or should be avoided, but these could have and should have been.

The only peace I can find in those three situations is that I understand why I made the mistakes. And each of the reasons I made them are qualities about myself that I love and am not ashamed of. Though these qualities often lead me to make mistakes, though they lead to disappointment and pain sometimes, they are qualities that are integral to the me that I love and know.

And loving me and taking care of me is hard enough right now so it’s okay that there’s just not room for anyone else. I'm not saying that kissing this someone is a regret, just a momentary one. The difference is it's a little one and one I can forgive myself for because I stopped it from becoming a big one. I know I am not quite myself right now.

Which is why I could not give myself to anyone right now. And I would only want to be in a relationship with someone who I could love and respect as much as he deserves, who I could give back to as much as I take in from. Love is hard enough when both people are at the top of their game that starting a love when one of them is broken is exhaustingly difficult and just not good.

Do you have regrets? Or is it just me?