Wednesday, January 14, 2009

All You Need is Love, Love is All You Need.

2009 is a great year so far. It's just been fun and full of good company. I've been so busy the past few weeks it's crazy. Not just with the sweet, wonderful new boyfriend, but also with lots of friends. I don't know why I didn't feel like I had good friends in Atlanta. I have great friends in Atlanta.

Last fall was interesting for me. I pulled away from most people because I just needed to deal with everything on my own. I do that, whether it's healthy or helpful, it's part of who I am. There were friends that pushed through the barriers I set up. People who called or emailed relentlessly despite the fact that I took days or even weeks to respond. Those were people who knew what I was doing but regardless they pushed my boundaries to let them in.

There were people that dropped back and let me have my alone time. They also knew what I was doing and why. There were friends I barely talked to for 2-3 months, but who completely understood and loved me anyway. I was grateful for the space and for the understanding, and we're close again now as though there was never a beat skipped.

I also had a few problems, though, with people who I don't think understood or well, the truth is I guess I don't understand the problems and probably never will. I know that there were a couple of friends who expected me to lean on them more than I did and resent me for it still. I think they took it personally when it really had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. One friend I did talk to frequently interpreted that as me coming onto him. I haven't heard from him in awhile, and I wonder if that's why. And yet another who I tried to lean on, but every time, he made a move because he thought by asking for his friendship, I was saying I was open to something more. That one I don't talk to much now.

Early on, soon after my grandfather passed, someone told me that through the experience, I would learn who my real friends are. I think that's true to an extent, but I would phrase it a little differently. I learned who the people are who really, truly know me. And who love me. That was not something I expected out of the grieving experience. My friends do really know me, though, and looking back, I'm grateful for the friendships that withstood all the strain and the ones that deepened because of it.

The night that I drove home praying I would arrive before he passed, I had 6 hours in the car alone. I tried to call a few friends, sent texts to one or two others, but had a two hour long conversation with one friend. This friend and I had a hiccup in our friendship about a year prior, a big hiccup that we had talked our way through and worked through, but one that left both of us a little cautious. In my moment of need, I don't think there would have been anyone better to talk to. So while other friends didn't answer or weren't around, the one I did talk to that night was the person I was meant to. And we are so much closer now because of it.

The biggest lessons (if lesson is the right word) I learned in the past few months are how important the people in my life are and how important it is to form true and deep relationships. I don't want to waste time trying to force friendships or being the only one keeping the friendship going. I've spent way too much time doing that in my life. I want to foster and nurture the friendships I have. I want to always show the love and support for my friends that they gave to me in these past few months.

The only thing that matters in life is love, true love. It's easy to say, it's catchy, it might even be a Beatles song, but there's very real, core-shaking truth to that statement. I am absolutely nothing without the people I share my life with. And if those people don't truly know and understand me, what friendship or love we have cannot withstand a test. Life is only worth living if we love and are loved in return. And to not thank God every single day for the love overflowing in my life would be a disgrace.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

P to the S

Ok. Ya know what? I'm making my own blog award. That's right. It's out of turn, it's out of the box, it's outta controlll!

If there is one blogger who has always encouraged and supported me through this wacky little online world, it's Melrox over at Live for Today. Her blog headline quote says it all: "If you ask me what I came into the world to do, I will tell you; I came to live out loud."

And that she does. She's always honest, open and doesn't hold back. I think she's in fact incapable of bullshit. And from what I know of her, she'd be a great friend to have because she's loyal and would do anything for her friends. I literally did a Google search for just the right blog award for this gal, and that's how I came up with this -

Pass it along!

I'm a Little Bit Sweet and a Little Bit Sour!

Ooo the Lemonade Award! I love it! It makes me feel all giddy and good inside. So a big thank you to my cool internet friend Irish Chicken Soup over at Vitrifying Hearts. Check her out - she's good peeps.

I'm not quite sure why I was bestowed such an honor, but I'm grateful and happy to return the favor. I get to now nominate other bloggers who I think are sweet and sour. Or as I like to call it, sweet and sassy. I think I'm supposed to choose ten, but ten is a lot and I'm tired today. A hot man deprived me of sleep last night with his yummy sexiness. Meow!

The first kickass blogger I'd like to give this cutie patootie award to is Pink Jelly Baby. I love this girl. She's insightful and inspiring. I don't officially know her, but I do know that she's a good person with a good heart. And I hope that one day we can meet and share a glass of wine! Please check her out - you'll be hooked instantly!

The next is Little Sister Pixie. LSP was one of my very first bloggy friends, and I always enjoy reading her rants and raves. I especially love her obsession with the New Kids on the Block because it's cute and fun and fills me with nostalgia!

Thirdly, The Alleged Ringleader. Or as I like to call her, the baddest bad ass on the blogosphere. This chick is cool and fun and will make you wish you lived in LA so you could get drunk with her and be part of her many antics.

Next up in the lineup is Jen Kucsak at Welcome to the Jungle. This girl has wacky dating stories and makes me miss New York City so much I can taste it! And she's writing a book so trust me, you'll want to be able to say you read her when...

Lastly is a girl I know in the real world. She writes short, hilarious little ditties about life and people-watching ala Jack Handy. And she's just as funny and clever in real life. I'm talkin' 'bout AODC.

And although Irish Chicken Soup already gave the lemonade award to her, I'll just call this an honorable mention. Carolina Girl, I mean you! I hope you are all reading her blog, but if you're not, ya definitely should be cuz you're missing out. This girl is genuine, kind, hopeful and fun. The kind of girl you want to be in a book club with or share umbrella drinks with on the beach. She's all sunshine!

To anyone I didn't mention who reads this little thingie of mine, thank you. I really, truly appreciate your comments, your encouragement and your insights. I know that happy thoughts are being sent my way because of you, and I hope you feel the good energy I'm sending right back at ya. I root for you all, and I believe in you all. It's funny. This blog-world we've created here. We may never meet in real life, but we know things about each other that probably our own friends are not fully aware of. And we care about each other too. It's really quite special when you stop to think about it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

If Oscar Can Be a Grouch, So Can I.


Do you remember that children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? Well, that has been today for me. Ugh.

It started out rotten with a bad dream. Then I overslept, couldn't find parking, was late all day...just all around rottenness. And I didn't hear from the new guy until just a few minutes ago (that's 10:30 pm Eastern Standard Time for curious minds). He was traveling all day, had plans as soon as his plane landed, blah blah. I had a bad day. Shouldn't he cosmicly know that and come to my rescue with flowers and hugs? :/

The truth is, as any of you who pay attention to this little blot on the world wide web already know, I'm really good at shutting people out and really awful at letting people in. Oh yes, I'm trying, I'm trying damn hard this time around and who knows? It may all work out and there will be roses popping up with every step and forest creatures hopping along behind me one day. But then may not.

So I had a bad day and I just don't want to talk to him about it. This is still new, we're still learning each other, and all that takes time and shouldn't be rushed. I think part of it is that he's so great, he really is too good to be true. And too good to be true means too good to be trusted. I'm good at taking care of myself...ok, sometimes more so than others...but the point is, I truly don't mind being single. I actually rather love it sometimes. And when I don't, I think I'm still pretty good at it. But the other stuff, the being with someone stuff, sharing the good days and the bad...that's the stuff that's pretty hard.

So ugh. I'm going to end this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day with a glass of wine, a DVR-ed episode of Gossip Girl and a Tylenol PM. And I'm just not gonna call the boy back tonight and wallow in my bad day. Sigh. Tomorrow who knows.

* It was disturbingly tough to find an image of Oscar the Grouch looking grouchy. For a grouch, he smiles too much. I worry this is another misguided attempt to make our beloved Seasame Street more P.C. First the Cookie Monster stops eating cookies because of the calories and now this? What's next? Big Bird is Big Boned Bird? Geez, people, they're puppets.

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