Thursday, July 17, 2008

That's Our Bush!!

Sorry, gang, the last one was a bit of a bummer. Don't wanna be Debbie Downer! There are lots of funny things happening in Tennessee too. One of them being the George Bush calendar my mom has hanging in her kitchen. I know you've been wondering what he does in his spare time, and now you have the answer - photo shoots.

I am a black sheep in my family for oh so many reasons, but one of the biggest is that they're ultra conservative Republicans. My mom donates money to the Republican National Committee and even donated money to Bush in 2000 and '04.

As a thank you, they give her a calendar each year that's full of pictures of Bush, Cheney and their sidekicks. My all-time favorites are the photos of Bush with a turkey (they look strikingly similar) and the year Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face there was an ironic photo of Cheney on a ranch.

I think even staunch Republicans agree our President doesn't photograph well, and these patriotic calendars provide evidence of this. To my mom's credit, she hasn't given any money to the elephants in a couple years. She was mad they didn't do enough on immigration (thank you, Fox News).

I asked if she was going to donate this year, and she said no, she's mad about the economy. Convinced my family would be the only ones approving of the President as the country goes down in flames, this surprised me. "Oh, so do you think the Republicans are to blame for the economy?" No, she said, she blames "all of 'em. I'm mad at all the politicians."

I'd like to tell you about this calendar and its photographic genius. Every year, the calendar opens in January with a photo of Bush being sworn in on inauguration day. This can only be to let us know that he is still The Decider, and it's particularly fitting for this year as he's struggled to remind everyone he's still in office.

That brings us to February, where we have a photo of the First Couple. Laura Bush, looking surprised as always, and both seem to be flaring their nostrils for an unknown reason. Perhaps David Gregory asked a biting question? Steven Colbert at the White House Press Corps Dinner again? Or maybe our fearless leader cut the cheese.

March has a picture of Prez in the Oval Office. Pretending to work. Aw cute. Was this taken on Bring Your Son to Work Day? Or maybe he actually does work in the Oval Office sometimes and doesn't spend all his time on the ranch?. Ha. That's just weird.

April reminds us that the job our President should really have is Baseball Commissioner. He looks especially stupid sporting a bright red Nationals jacket, waving at the crowd. I think he would have even been a good Baseball Commissioner. Though let's give him credit for trying. I do remember a State of the Union address that focused almost entirely on the problem of steroids in Major League Baseball.

In May, Bush seems to be mobbed by very happy soldiers who are stoked about being stop lost. He's probably telling each of them that he gave up golf for the war. And other things he doesn't care about or do often. What a sacrifice for guys who gave up their lives and families...for oil.

June shows him awkwardly standing next to a big brass band in what appears to be New Orleans. Oh, I get it, he's reminding us he did go. The look on his face says, "Uh...great...are we done yet? Did you take the picture? Do I get a Hurricane?"

July...July is hilarious and scary all at the same time. He's wearing a cowboy hat, aviators and is looking out, perhaps into the sunset. I honestly think I saw Brad Pitt make this very same pose in Thelma and Louise. Ew. Our President thinks he's a moviestar. Or worse. Hot. Ew ew ew gross!!

August reminds us that there's a Republican National Convention to support with our hard-earned dollars. Dubya and Laura are grinning in front of a crowd that is really happy to see them. Clearly taken a couple years ago. Laura is reaching her hand out...gesturing that she's trying to escape...or trying to "phone home"...hard to tell which...

In September, Dubya and Laura are eating dinner with a bunch of firefighters and police officers. There's an old man in the background staring at them despondently...kind of angrily too. He probably punched Bush in the nose after the photo was taken. I love firefighters.

October is a photo of Dick Cheney in front of a giant American flag. He's grinning as though we actually were greeted as liberators. Sigh.

November has Bush waving while holding his Scottish Terrier. The look on his face makes me think he's surrounded by protesters.

And we end with Christmas. Cuz this is God's country. Laura is clenching her teeth as though Dubya had one too many whiskeys. Old habits die hard!

Thankfully, these ridiculous calendars are dead after this year. Phew. I just hope my mom sticks to her guns and doesn't give any more money to the RNC ev-er a-gain.


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